My spirituality, not my religion

[CatLover88]

I've come to realize I can't handle organized religion. It either angers me, makes me paranoid, makes me anxious, or makes me feel smothered.
I've also come to realize that everyone has their own personal way of making sense of their soul.

This will be a bit long, probably very strange to most, and will probably make no sense to most, so bear with me. It's a hard thing for me to explain because it's personal, but I wouldn't mind sharing.

It all started when I first left the church. I've never had any interest in any sort of psychedelic drug except for mushrooms. Since they're hard to come by, at the time I've never looked for them or much cared to find any, but always said "if I were to try anything, I'd try mushrooms". Well. I was in a good mood, perfect day, I come home to my room mate, who had these huge eyes. "GUESS WHAT I GOT! ....MUSHROOMS!" I was a little leery at first, but I'm so glad I did them. And haven't done them since because I don't want to forget what I learned.
I didn't "trip". I didn't see things, it didn't have an effect on me like you see in the movies. I had a very deep, enlightening, spiritual experience. It was a clear sky and I could see the stars clearly. I thought about how each star is trillions of light years away. And while most of those stars are dead, I still see them. I related this to human life. Someone dies and are no longer there, but they are still there at the same time. Through memories, pictures, home movies, stories, diaries, recipes...and then in the spiritual form. I thought of where I came from. The people before me.
I've always been into the paranormal, but of course the church always said "there's no way ghosts exist because people go to heaven or hell". Well, you can easily argue that when Jesus rose from the grave, he was a ghost until he rose up to heaven. There's many different arguments there, but the Bible in itself is so abstract, why not?
There were the galaxies I also pondered. Wormholes. Other dimensions. What if death is only stepping through into the next dimension? Stepping through a wormhole? And if there are other galaxies that we can't reach, isn't it reasonable to think that one out of those trillions has a planet that can support some sort of life? It's quite a selfish human thought to think we're the only ones living in an ever-expanding universe.
I also thought about how the Earth breathes. It really does, folks. Then I thought of all the billions of people on this planet breathing with it. Dying with it. Being born into it.
The next morning I remember waking up feeling extremely refreshed, upbeat, and like I learned something. Like I had really came close to God. I see why some cultures use types of psychedelics for religious purposes. Like I said, I haven't done them since just because I don't want to forget all the things I learned.


The next part comes from a near death experience I've had. I was severely malnourished, smoking 2 packs a day (not anymore though), and very sick. I was extremely underweight and going through some abuse. I have panic attacks. You can't die from a panic attack I've always heard, but when someone is in the condition I was and can't breathe, then stops breathing, it becomes an issue.
I remember not being able to breathe and eventually decided to give up. I turned my head to see both of my grandmothers by my side along with a childhood friend who had died not long before that, my brother who had died, and a house full of people whom I have either only heard about, or have seen pictures of, plus more people I'd never seen. The house was full, and I felt so at ease. All these people, I knew, were waiting for me. Either to live or die, I was going to join a long lineage of family. A favorite song from my childhood played, one that I had forgotten completely up until that moment. I reached out to one of my grandmothers and she shook her head and put my hand back down. My friend pushed me to where I was sitting upright and my brother pounded onto my chest. Hard. I "woke up" with a gasp.
It hurts to die, or almost die. Because the next day I can't begin to describe the pain in places I didn't even know existed. I couldn't move, and didn't unless I had to go to the bathroom.

I've since quit smoking, got well, got to a healthy weight, and realized what's waiting for me on the other side: my family. Those stars that are dead, but can still be seen in the sky, those are my family.

In short, I'm no UFO weirdo or anything like that but I am drawn to stars, the ideas of different dimensions, and spirits. I've practiced vows of silence, which includes no internet, tv, phone, any sort of communication. When I do this I also meditate. I'll get ONE stimuli going, such as a fan, and do nothing but lie there and feel the breeze. You go into a trance after a while and actually feel like you are the breeze. Or I'll light a candle and stare at it until it burns out. You go into this trance and can feel a heat flickering inside you. There are different states of being that I like to explore so I can understand more about not only myself, but about others and the world around me.

-Spirits
-The universe
-Ancestors
-Different dimensions
-Different states of mind
-Different planes of reality


Makes no sense, does it? HA! But you know what? I feel like that's ok because I'm not shoving it in anyone's face, just felt like sharing it and the road to me being spiritual and not religious. What works for one, doesn't for another and I respect that because even though we're all of one species, we are all different. My DNA does not match anyone else's DNA, and your DNA does not match mine. So, we think differently, we dress differently, we talk differently, walk differently, on and on. Diversity in nature at it's finest. And it's beautiful.

[Ivy]

Yep.

[Cootie Brown]

I'm not religious anymore for some of the reasons you noted & I can't imagine I ever will be again. There is no way to know if something we call the supernatural really exists or not. There is no real evidence that it does, but some of the theories about multi universes, other dimensions, worm holes, etc. are interesting & at least suggest there might be more than the reality we exists in.

It is at least fun to think about that stuff.

[CatLover88]

I'm not religious anymore for some of the reasons you noted & I can't imagine I ever will be again. There is no way to know if something we call the supernatural really exists or not. There is no real evidence that it does, but some of the theories about multi universes, other dimensions, worm holes, etc. are interesting & at least suggest there might be more than the reality we exists in.

It is at least fun to think about that stuff.

It is fun to think about it because there's so much we can't see that is right in front of our faces. You can't see atoms, but they're there. If I could knew what math was or how it works I would have gone into Astrophysics or Quantum Physics. But I'm an artist, so my brain doesn't work mathematically. (I used to cry doing math homework in 3rd grade. I cried doing math homework in college too lol).

Yeah, I doubt I'll ever be religious again. Although my new found beliefs and gut feelings are abstract, but it works for me because I think abstract and analytically. And I don't like the group mentality. I could never go to any political rally even. I have my ideas that make me happy and I only want to discover more and more to life rather than someone telling me what I should believe. I'm up for someone telling me WHAT they believe, but as far as trying to evangelize...no. I may say "I can see where you'd think that". I may even play off of an idea that "sort of" makes sense to me, but then think on it with a twist and have an "ah hah!" moment.

I still pray. But I pray to ancestors. I KNOW they existed, and feel as if they're still there. Especially after my near death experience, which is scientifically explained as having a dream as your body is going through extreme trauma, however someone who has one can never think the same. And if it makes you think for the better, gives you some comfort, makes you even question science (which I never do except in this personal case), then what makes that so awful?

It's not what you believe, it's what makes you comfortable, and if it makes you a better person, and not a bitter person, then it's good for you. The coc made me bitter. I got away, discovered all these things that are personal and bring me comfort and can honestly say I'm a better person all around. And I'm learning this thing called "think for yourself" and holy shit! It's wonderful!

"It's not what you believe, it's what makes you comfortable, and if it makes you a better person, and not a bitter person, then it's good for you." Now, with this statement you can say "what about the coc beliefs? what if that makes a bitter person better, and brings them comfort?" That's fine with me, as long as it isn't shoved into someone else's face because freedom of thought is just as important as freedom of religion. Also if it isn't used to damage someone. My grandmother born, raised, died in the church but was a free spirit and thinker all the same and never rebuked anyone based on race, different religion, or sexual orientation. Never preached. Just found comfort in her faith. There's people out there like her, and I have respect for those.