Struggling

[seeking]

I can't believe I'm doing this. I grew up in the church of Christ and went to a CoC university. I then went to graduate school in the sciences in another state. I've struggled with the CoC since I left college, but mainly for weak sermons, and not on some of the true hardline beliefs (baptism, etc). 7 years passed since college and I am now married to my wife for 6 months. She did not grow up in the CoC. It was a topic of great discussion in our dating and even our engagement, because she did not like the CoC for many reasons. She saw the "self-righteous" attitudes. She saw the exclusivity. She also saw how much it tore me up at the thought of leaving, so much that I almost called off the relationship a week before our wedding date. She has never seen "Christianity" do that do someone, and now that we've been married for 6 months, doesn't want to be a part of it. We go to a CoC on Sunday morning, and another church on Sunday evening (of the reformed tradition). We continue to argue over going to the CoC. She doesn't have a problem with it, but she thinks its crazy that I don't want to go anywhere else. I am so conflicted, because I see other points so clearly! Infant baptism I get it (to a point). Her church is a liturgical church with women that lead prayer, scripture, and communion regularly, and its beautiful, but I have so much CoC thought in me I don't know where to turn. I can't get away from the thinking of "they're wrong and here is book chapter verse to prove." She is really pushing to leave, but where do I go? Do I become a "reformed Christian" like Anglicans, Presbyterians, etc, and submit to infant baptism and in the cases of Anglicans "the bishop." Do I change to a baptist church and submit that the baptismal waters do not save you but are "an example and sign of faith." Do I disregard either views of historical Christianity and turn and find a non-denominational community church that has few "rules," but "a lotta love." I have no idea where to turn, except back to CoC since it lines up with my belief structure. But my wife can't hardly stomach it, because she sees through the muck that all of the rest of us struggle with. And I hate what this is doing to us, because of me focusing on deepening my faith and spiritual formation, I'm focusing on hardline beliefs that are tearing my home down.

[Porcupine]

I think you and your wife need some counseling .... by a non cofC counselor

[KLP]

Welcome.

I am lucky to not have a wife that has a different background. So we went through this together. It can be very hard to find or be happy any place else because of how we view the scripture and remember the scripture, we know every argument for various "flaws" in other denominations. For me it is the loud (and usually rock and roll) type music that drives me up the wall. I can mentally get past the notion of instrumental music but does it have to be so loud and overwhelming???? lol

You mentioned baptism and while I agree on the infant baptism thing, there were areas where I was helped to see room for adjustment to my understanding. We found the article http://www.gracecentered.com/Are_unbapt ... s_lost.pdf to be very helpful in examining our beliefs. Not sure which type of CofC you are starting from but if you came from the anti wing you might be able to find comfort in a larger non anti cofc...maybe. Good singing and good public speakers can mask a lot of problems...but dreadful "acts of worship" are intolerable and more so for the non-CofC spouse. You should not expect to be able to change overnight...don't beat yourself up over that, just understand it is a process and set a longer time frame to take the pressure off but also to give your spouse a since that you are working towards something. Some have found Greek Orthodox to be a good alternative...some DOC/Christian church or even Presbyterian as you suggested.

[lvmaus]

Obviously the CoC can cause a great deal of confusion and pain. You really need to put as much space between you and this Pharisaical 'church' as possible, ASAP.

[AtPeace]

Hi...I'm glad you took a chance and posted here. There are people with all sorts of histories, beliefs, journeys...it's not "one size fits all" on this board, and I've gotten some terrific feedback through the years.

Your post was very open, and here's what jumped out at me to be the core of it:

because of me focusing on deepening my faith and spiritual formation, I'm focusing on hardline beliefs that are tearing my home down.

At your age and developmental stage in life, and with all the recent changes in your life, please remember that you are very normal and healthy in wanting to grown spiritually. I'm in my 50s, and each passage in my life has brought me new urges to grow spiritually...and I intend that to be the case as long as I live. Being open to that growth is so important.

The key to successful growth is to be as open as you possibly can. By that I mean, willing to feel uncomfortable about your current beliefs, in the face of new ideas. Only then can you sincerely grow, in the truest sense of the word.

This doesn't mean you will take into your own life everything you come across. But only by experimenting with new ideas and concepts can you determine what your own personal, very unique spiritual walk will be.

This kind of approach can feel very threatening to those of us who were raised being warned NOT to seek out new ideas and beliefs. There's a reason we resist that risk. We have been taught from an early age that it is deeply dangerous to look at other ways.

That's why you have to feel uncomfortable awhile. Only by thinking about things, learning about things, that make us feel uncomfortable will lead to true growth. Otherwise we'll only become stagnant and stale.

When I was at that point in my own growth, I dug into the library. I told myself, "Surely it can't be true that all those smart, bright theologians out there are ALL wrong." And I decided to give them a chance. I started reading things from very smart, insightful thinkers who had a close walk with God but believed differently from me.

I was uncomfortable the whole time. And for some time afterwards. But I carried on.

After awhile I started figuring out what made sense FOR ME, and what didn't. I didn't push myself, meaning I didn't demand that I get from A-Z in four months. I realized this was going to be a long journey.

You know what? After awhile, the uneasiness started fading. And I was even pleasantly surprised to discover that I now enjoyed "religion and all that" even more!

Right now, I'm in the middle of yet another turn in my own road. It's been simmering inside me for about a year now, and I've been addressing it off and on with various times of reading, pondering, etc. Sometimes I leave it alone entirely for awhile, and then go back to it. I know that, based on past experience, eventually I will stop feeling so uncomfortable about this particular issue, and I'll have grown spiritually somehow in the process.

New marriages are difficult, because you're still trying to get used to each other, read each other's signals, figure out when to cave and when to resist, etc. It might help if you and your wife talk to a good non-church of christ counselor about some basic ways to understand each other better as you guys walk through this uneasiness together.

[Moogy]

Many of us struggled for a good while before deciding to leave. Some of our board members are still attending COCs for family reasons, or because they aren't ready yet to leave. Some have found churches that have a COC sign, but have a more reasonable message.
You are welcome here!
I visited a number of denominations while I was transitioning. That helped me refine my beliefs. The key for me to leaving was when I realized the New Testament was not one book, but many, some with more claim to authority than others. The cut and paste proofs of the COC assume that you can jump from book to book, pasting together verses to get doctrine. No where in the Bible is that method of interpretation taught. No where in the Bible is found "command, example, necessary inference (CENI)."
I hope you find what you need.

[agricola]

Please believe us when we tell you that CoC doctrines are frequenly NOT normal traditional Christian doctrines, on a lot of topics -
and you have no need to 'submit' to infant baptism, since you are no longer an infant - plus, not every denomination 'does' infant baptism either.

I second the recommendation of some counseling, but I'd add the suggestion that you take yourself somewhere neutral - like maybe a library? - and read up on simple descriptions of Christianity, history of Christianity, something just descriptive - you don't have to abandon everything, and leaving the CoC is not the same as 'leaving God behind' and just dropping everything important to you.

You could start by looking for Mead's Handbook of Denominations in the United States - now in its 13th edition -

http://www.amazon.com/Handbook-Denomina ... ominations

There's even a little section on a tiny, mostly Southern, fundamentalist denomination calling itself 'Church of Christ'.

[AtPeace]

Agricola,

I loved your last line...

There's even a little section on a tiny, mostly Southern, fundamentalist denomination calling itself 'Church of Christ'

That says so much. I remember my deep, deep shock when I discovered how minuscule the Church of Christ movement is.

[KLP]

Agricola,

I loved your last line...

There's even a little section on a tiny, mostly Southern, fundamentalist denomination calling itself 'Church of Christ'

That says so much. I remember my deep, deep shock when I discovered how minuscule the Church of Christ movement is.

Oh so you are one of the many who want to take the broad way instead of the narrow way...

[bnot]

Hi and welcome! Thanks for sharing your story

I think you and your wife need some counseling .... by a non cofC counselor

I agree, if you go to counseling it should be a non coc counselor

Obviously the CoC can cause a great deal of confusion and pain. You really need to put as much space between you and this Pharisaical 'church' as possible, ASAP.

Unfortunately, this is true. Matthew chapter 23 (dealing with Pharisees) and the coc have too much in common. There is no grace in the coc, you must earn your salvation and some people who are new to the coc can see right through the self righteous attitudes of some of the members. Another option could be you attend your coc, and she attends her church, but that may or may not work out in the long run.