New to this...

[trabucco]

So for the time being, I'm going to stick with the user name only. Eventually it'll hit a point where I'll reveal my name, but because of family, I am not wanting to cause more trouble at the moment. The minute it goes public will cause some big infighting.

I'm originally from southern California and grew up in some of the strictest congregations there. The process of questioning started about the time I was baptized, even with years at the FC camp and all the studying. The forest congregation read dying 20 years ago, but is still holding on with a very small group. They remain loyal to a toxic elder and a preacher who should have left five years after getting there. The deacons were just as toxic (some physical abuse was observed between one and someone younger than me).

Leaving there, I was at another congregation for about five years. I stopped going during a bad break up, no one bothered to contact me during the six months until I withdrew. No one contacted me after, they just wrote me off. At that point, they were rushing head long to the more conservative side anyways.

Many family members are still in the NI COC and even consider themselves liberal, but are still hard and fast to the very conservative end of even that. One cousin is a deacon.

My wife and I are at an Anglican church, but not diehard members.

What got me to find the ex-COC community was my parents visiting the area I'm in now and going to church with us. The conversation was cordial, but still very much "you know the truth" in push me to drag my wife to a COC in order for me to come back.

Funny thing is, after that visit, it really confirmed the decision to not go back. So this is still new to me, 25 years of strict doctrine, a couple years of questioning, and now several years of being on the fence brought me to this point. I'm glad to have found a community with people who have been there with many of the same experiences to get different views from.

[Ivy]

Welcome, trabucco!! Please don't tell us your "real" name; we want you to feel free to share without fear of being outed. It's also best to disguise or leave out some identifying
details as well. It's safer for you that way.

And yes, where does that "you know the truth" manipulation thing come from? Many of us have heard it.

[trabucco]

Thanks Ivy.

It'll happen eventually, just because some of what I saw/am working through was incredibly specific. My family isn't coC "royalty" to be sure. But definitely in the "upper class" for the coC community in southern California. I was 3rd generation along with my brother and a cousin who is a deacon at one of the largest congregations in the region. So over time, it'll be revealed on its own based on some things that will eventually get said to share context.

As for the knowing the truth, it's straight up guilt. The ironic part is that they blame my wife, who wants very little to do with the coC culture for leading me away. Never mind the facts that they taught me to question everything, that I went to a non-coC university, and have been exposed to a lot of ideas. They were thrilled the first time I lived on the East Coast because they see the congregations as being far stronger and correct in how they believe/worship (ha!) than many congregations on the West Coast.

But never mind the fact that I've been questioning the coC way of doing things since I was a teen. Or that the legalism is so highly detailed that it becomes ridiculous.

[teresa]

Hi trabucco

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry that your wife gets blamed. Exploring options and finding our own path is an important part of maturing as a person, I think.

[trabucco]

She is honestly okay with it. I have anxiety and she sees how it was caused by my experiences in the coC. My parents refuse to address it in front of her though because to them, she was never a Christian (even though she has been baptized). So they try to hold me accountable for it.

Now that there are ways to describe it that I'm finding, it's making life easier for us. She knows they are looking for a scape goat. For now though, they are keeping the appearances for themselves. So few, if any, they attend church with or even family know that I am no longer coC.

[agricola]

Hi trabucco - we don't 'out' people here. Very VERY few posters reveal their 'real life names' and that's just fine.

So -everybody - even if you KNOW who a poster is, DO NOT SAY SO on the forums!

[Moogy]

Welcome to our board!