help

[stuckinthemiddle]

Hello all,

I am a college student that is seeking to leave the c of c. I had to move back in with my parents after I thought I had gotten out of the house for good (not the church though just yet) because my roommate got pregnant and I had nowhere else to go. It has been about 9 months since I have moved back in and my mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I am extremely upset all the time since I have moved back, unless I am with my boyfriend. He has been my rock through all of this. I am wanting to leave the church for good, but I know that means that I will be cut off financially by my father. It will cause a huge issue in my family, my mom loves us unconditionally, and she would never shun or "withdraw" from me. However, my father has threatened before (when my older sister was attending a Nazarene church) that he was going to divorce my mom unless my sister came back to the "one true church". Wanting to avoid extra trouble, bills, and drama, my older sister started going to a C of C again every once in a while.
I know that the divorce is inevitable, the marriage is in shambles but they are just pretending that everything is okay.
I am trying to figure out the best way to get out, because honestly I am worried that my father is going to go into a crazy spell and I am truly worried that he will physically hurt either me, my boyfriend, or my mom/little sister. I am planning on writing a letter of resignation/withdraw to the congregation I have grown up in. (example letters/suggestions welcome!!! ) I am considering writing a letter to my father, but I am very scared as to how he will react to the people around him (probably would be my mom and/or little sister). I have thought about a phone call, but he very typically answers all calls and I am sure that he wont let me get all my words in before he starts to condemn and try to shame me.
I am wanting to eventually move in with my boyfriend, because I love him and see a future with him, and also neither of us can really afford to live on our own, so it makes sense. But I am truly scared that my dad will "hunt me down" because he can be very crazy. And I am even more worried that he will harm my boyfriend because, as most of you know, living with someone of the opposite sex before marriage is a huge no-no and automatically means that you are sleeping together. My dad has made it clear to me that "if you ever wind up pregnant before you're married, you will be a widow before you get the chance to get married." And I know that he means that he will kill a man if they sleep with me before we are married. I am just terrified, because I truly don't know how he will act if he doesn't know where I am or who I am living with. He wants to have control over us, which is why he always threatens to take away everything from us (car insurance, health insurance, phone, phone service, student loan assistance, no more co-signing, no more financial assistance for food/living expenses, car) literally everything he could possibly take from us. I have recently decided that i would rather be homeless than continue to let him have control over me simply because i need his money and cannot afford to live on my own. I took a semester off from school so I could work two jobs full time and save my money. I am a social worker and unfortunately my pay is not very high, but I do my job because I love helping people. I am a victims advocate at the domestic violence shelter, and the shelter is grant funded, so unfortunately that does not allow my paycheck to be very big, since we are very low on funds, but I can't bring myself to quit for something better paying, because I believe my sole purpose in life is to help those out of abusive situations. I cannot come and stay at this shelter because my dad knows of the location, and I have no clue what he might do in order to get me back. I feel like i am rambling on, but in reality my mind is racing and I am just constantly scared about how I am going to pay for my last two years of college (i have an associates in Social work but I need a bachelors to really be able to get a job that I can support myself off of.

Sincerely,
stuck in the middle

[SolaDude]

I think you need some very urgent and professional help/rescue to get you safe. You have been raised by an absolutely abusive father who happens to also have criminal intent to kill your boyfriend, something the police may need to know. But do you have any professional local resources available to talk to immediately? Perhaps someone at the shelter you work with who could recommend someone to you? Even a public defender's office or public legal office could help just to enable you to tell this to them, so perhaps they can come up with a recommendation for you on how to proceed. I would even suggest calling an abuse hotline of some kind.

I am not sure how wise it would be to go back to your church. The letter you may be wishing to write to them about leaving seems irrelevant to me at this point in time. I simply think you need someone to help you disconnect from your existing life and get you to a safe haven, i.e., to escape. After that there may be legal issues to address, including a restraining order against your father. All in all, I hope you can proceed with urgency and I will be praying for your safe journey.

[Ivy]

Hi "stuckinthemiddle". Just read your story, and this is all very scary. I agree with Sola; you must get urgent help, NOW.

Have you spoken with anyone you trust at your shelter? I don't know if you want to do that, since this is your job, but if you choose to talk to someone there they should be able to help you with networking into a distant shelter your dad knows nothing about. If you are uncomfortable with that because it is your livelihood, I would strongly suggest you call the national domestic violence hotline # and take to them about a plan for immediate safety.

The National Domestic Hotline: tel:+18007997233
h**ps://www.thehotline.org

When you work in the field it is easy to help someone else, but way more difficult to help yourself. I do understand that. It's hard to see the forest for the trees, but you can get yourself safe. That is the first thing you need to do. A domestic violence counselor can help you with a step-by-step plan, including contacting law enforcement.

Please let us know that you are ok. Once you are safe, then you can work on the rest of the details with a counselor at the safe house or shelter wherever you go.

*Edited to add another suggestion: If you are in college, they likely have a Student Counseling Center there as another resource. Again, do whatever you need to do now to get to immediate safety.

[teresa]

stuckinthemiddle

Sorry, we do not allow solicitations for money on this site. I have deleted those links.

I suggest you talk with your college resource center, who may be able to guide you in applying for grants and/or loans to finish your education.