A New Spiritual Journey

[Calt313]

Hello. I am so happy to have found this board! I was an active member of the coC for 40 years. I didn't always agree with everything that was said and done, but tried to do whatever I could do to make things better, to encourage others and to grow my faith. I experienced many negative situations and encounters over the years. I wanted to go elsewhere, but my husband who had grown up in that congregation refused so I stayed and tried to make the best of it for the sake of my children (so silly now that I look back on that decision!). I was totally brainwashed and didn't see it. After several years of therapy (for family and personal issues) I had a breakthrough and realized that all the judgement and legalism that I experienced at church was being repeated at home and really impacting my life in negative ways. After an especially hurtful conversation with a leading church member I decided that I had had enough. It's been a little over a year since I left. As you can imagine, that didn't go well so I broke off all ties with members of the church (except for my husband who still attends.). This has created additional strain in our relationship but he understands my position and tries to be supportive. During the past year, along with regular visits to my wonderful Christian therapist who is helping me to unpack all the baggage I have accumulated, I have done extensive reading (the Bible and secular readings) and have visited a wide range of churches and attend a weekly non-denominational Bible study. And although I haven't found a new church home yet I do worship every week and my relationship with God has never been better because it is now based on love rather than fear. I have been reading the messages here on this board like someone who is dying of thirst. It's been lonely on this journey and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It's been so good to see that others have not only experience the same types of struggles that I have, but that they've overcome them and are thriving Christians. It gives me the strength to go on.

[Cootie Brown]

Welcome, those of us that have left the c of C understand how traumatizing that experience usually is. I’m confident you will find this site helpful.

[Ivy]

Welcome, Calt313!!

[teresa]

Welcome to the Support Board. Once I started experiencing God in his loving-kindness, it opened a whole new world for me, also. You husband is supportive --- what about other members of your family?

[Calt313]

Thank you all for your kindness and concern. It's so helpful to know that others have similar experiences and have found a new way.
Teresa you asked about other members of my family... None live nearby so it hasn't made much of an impact on them. When I told my kids neither was surprised. Apparently they saw things way before I did. (It would have been nice had they told me what they knew, right?). I've been very open in discussing my decision if the topic comes up. They've been awesome! The only other family member I have is my sister and she is quite distraught over this issue. She's always been very bossy and opinionated so I've learned how to take what she says with a grain of salt. Basically I've set boundaries on how much and how often we discuss it. And for now, I've limited my interactions with her. I think she would be happier if she knew I had 'landed' in a church and was doing things 'the right way'. I've explained that this is my journey, not hers and assured her that while I've left the 'church', I haven't left God. She lives out of town so I only see her occasionally so that helps.

[gordie91]

Welcome! Wish you all the best, it isn't always easy but it can be done and can get better. Stay positive.

[agricola]

Welcome to the ex-board!

[Calt313]

I still find it remarkable and unsettling that a support board of this nature even exists! How much damage and heartache has been done by this institution that claims to be the only 'true church'. It boggles my mind.Especially since much of the 'real life' feedback I'm receiving is still placing the blame on me for being selfish, and misguided and just plain WRONG. I'm sure many members of this group have heard the same things. The criticism pretty much rolls of my back and I'm beginning to resist the feeling that I have to explain myself and my actions and my decisions. Now when people ask me about my decision to leave the church, I just tell them that the church wasn't a good fit for me and that I still love and worship God and am trying to find a community where I can use my God-given gifts and talents to serve Him. I refuse to get into the nitty gritty about the actual circumstances. I refuse to bash the church or any of the people in it. What has been some of your experiences with this - explaining why you are no longer attending your former church?

[gordie91]

Early on in my experiences the topic of going to hell played a large part along with the question to me about my new faith that started like this, "where in the bible do we read ...". Fill in what ever the practice is.

First, I found it quite strange and very unsettling that I was being accused of condemning them to hell with my decision to leave and ultimately associate with another church. When I point out that their behavior and constant criticism of other denominations whether in sermon, bible class or print does the very thing they claim I am by choosing to leave. My leaving/rejection is, in their view, an accusation. My decision to leave without fanfare or debate should be enough to let them know I wasn't condemning them. Just a side note, several people felt regret that our last church we attended was somehow the cause because of the poor scholarship of the preacher. Interesting, because he is generally well liked and thought of as a faithful preacher just not a good speaker and very simplistic.

So, the very thing they do when they preach, teach or in their journals is acceptable and not condemning of others but if one leaves them the very act of leaving is an implicit condemnation of their faith. I have found that dealing with the CoC is strictly a one way street.

The second aspect is the adherence to bible alone and the individual's supremacy in interpreting what the bible has to say or not say on any and all subjects. I once heard the analogy by our last preacher discussing the great apostasy theory, finding a rule book for the game of baseball. The idea is that the game has ceased to be played in its original form or lost all together and until the rule book is found will never be played exactly the way it was originally played.

So, if baseball were to never be played again for a hundred years one could get a rule book and that is all that is needed to start it up again. Would we recognize that game as compared to today's game? Not at all unless they had video of games, commentary from sports writers and analysts. The rule book says nothing about (1) after a strike out the infield throwing the ball "around the horn" (2) Etiquette regarding hitting a batter (3) Strategy surrounding the bunt and the list could go on. So, when I was asked about lighting candles, incense and vestments my response is, it isn't in there. It isn't in there because of one great flaw in the theory of their interpretation, whose interpretation is correct and how do you know that interpretation is correct. It is in there sure enough but they would not want to see it, see it in the Traditions handed down through time and from those that actively played the game, those writing about the game and those analyzing the game and defending the way it is played.

In other words, if they want to convince me to come back by having me explain my decision and to ultimately argue why I am wrong there is no explaining why I am no longer attending my former church. It is an exercise in futility and will only lead to anger and strife. They don't really want to know, they want to debate and re-convert. In my opinion.

[teresa]

First, I found it quite strange and very unsettling that I was being accused of condemning them to hell with my decision to leave and ultimately associate with another church.

From the traditional CoC perspective, God told the apostles what the laws are for the organization, worship and work of the church, who then shared these laws with the congregations they organized. As the CoC sees it, the writers did not record these laws in the letters that were passed around among the earliest congregations, but some letters do contain chastisements where the congregations were doing things wrong. The CoC has concluded that God expects subsequent generations to read the letters looking for clues as to how the earliest congregations were organized, the worship they did, and the work they did.

In the CoC view, the honest of heart will be able to look at example, commands, and necessary inferences to figure out what the earliest congregations had been told by the apostles directly. So when you leave the traditional CoC, they think it is either because (1) you no longer want to obey God, or (2) you think the CoC is not fulfilling God's mandate for the work, worship and organization of the church, and is therefore not the one true church.

They cannot get beyond this (1) or (2), which is why they feel judged by you.