Ready to Recover

[BabyNurse]

Hi All! I apologize in advance that this will probably be painfully long. I came to the realization yesterday that my experiences have left me very hardened and closed off. I don't want to feel that way, so I'm ready to try to start my post CofC healing. This group really seems like a safe space, so I'm just going to lay it all out there. So here goes...

I was raised in a hardline CofC. My mother was also. My father was raised Baptist, but didn't go to church at all until he retired. Then he began going with us every Sunday morning only. Almost 20 years later, he still attends Sunday morning, but has never "converted" to CofC. That said, even though my mother was very devout, not having a "Chritian" father left me and my siblings feeling a bit outcast. Of course, it was drilled into me that if my dad didn't convert to CofC, he would be going to Hell. I remember many nights crying as a kid because of this. Sidenote: my dad, of course, is not perfect. But he has always been such a good example and excellent father.

I married at 18, only six months after I met my "soulmate." We were introduced through very old (CofC) friends of my parents. He was a 19 year old aspiring preacher. My mom believed the whole thing was providence of God. However, he was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive to me. Of course, in CofC, that is not grounds for divorce. After 3 years of marriage, when our son was seven months old, he traveled back to his home state for a job interview (ironically, he gave up on preaching shortly after we married.) The next day, he informed me via email that he had had three affairs in our marriage and wasn't coming back. In our divorce, our custody arrangement was that at 18 months old, our son would have to start traveling halfway across the country to visit his dad. He quickly decided he couldn't afford child support and wanted to relinquish his rights. I was told by my lawyer that wasn't possible unless there was someone to legally take his place.

In hindsight, I think my subconscious fear of what he might do to my son if he were granted visitation contributed to rather quickly marrying a (also CofC) guy I had known for half my life. I was extremely close to his grandparents. His grandmother made it no secret that she thought we should get together. She passed away unexpectedly when my son was 15 months old, and after that we began dating. We were married a year later and he adopted my son. He was a workaholic, very narcissistic and also emotionally abusive... even physically abused my son on more than one occasion. Again, these things aren't grounds for divorce in CofC and also not something people talked about. Outside of my sister, no one knew anything. I actually found myself, on multiple occasions, wishing he would cheat on me so I would be "allowed" to divorce him. There were signs, but if he did, I never found out.

In the end, I was the one who cheated. I became very close with a coworker. It started because I recognized a purity in him and was determined to "bring him to Christ." I was quite caught off guard that a man could be good just because he was good, and not because he was trying to earn his way in to Heaven, if that makes sense. Our early conversations were really just Biblically based. However we just grew closer and closer. He would disagree with things and make me rethink what I had always been taught, but there was never any disrespect or condescending remarks. I fell completely in love with him. It came to a point where I told my husband about it. My expectation was really that he would divorce me and that would be it. However, he wanted to "work it out." After an initial week of being separated, I was too scared and overwhelmed to continue. I went to my husband at work, sobbing, and asked him to come home. I ended things with my coworker. I took an extended leave from work, then scheduled myself so we wouldn't see each other. My husband and I went to counseling. We visited other churches for months because the church we grew up in all knew about the affair and we were looking for a fresh start. He seemed ready to pretend like it never happened and move on. I felt so emotionally detached from him. We saw several counselors who all said the same thing... don't rush. Let time do its healing. All he did was try to rush. "How are you feeling about us?...Are we going to make it?...etc" became daily questions from him. After a few months, he boiled over. We got into a fight because we weren't progressing the way he would like. He called me a slut in front of our boys, I tried to shut myself into their room to get away from him and he kicked down the door. At five and eight, they were terrified. The next morning, I found my own apartment and we officially separated. He very quickly had divorced papers drafted and it was over.

I was flooded with CofC "support" from our old church, trying to tell me I needed to come back and repent in front of the whole congregation to be right with God again. And, you know, now I had to stay single for the rest of my life if I wanted any chance at Heaven. I didn't go back to repent, but continued going to church where I was more anonymous, mostly to appease my mother. I lost all of my "friends" from that church.

After we separated, I allowed myself to come into contact with my coworker again. He had been devastated but understood what I was trying to do. Long story short, almost 6 years later, we have two beautiful babies and are extremely happy together. I've been "disfellowshipped" from my old church. My mother even felt as though she had to find a new church because of my "disgrace." My own brother hardly speaks to me because I am "living in sin" both because of my divorce and because I'm not married now. I have only been to church a handful of times with my mother since all of that. I honestly felt like I was over all the guilt.

My boyfriend recently found a non-denominational church he wanted to try and has been a few times. We mostly work opposite days so we don't have to use daycare, but yesterday I was cancelled from work so I was able to join him for church. It was there that I realized how bitter and closed I am towards church. Their song about "all my life, God has been so good" was almost comical. I also had a moment where I realized CofC had engrained into me that, in my current state, God finds me unlovable...or at least unworthy of love. I was raised in such a judgemental environment, I can't wrap my head around the idea that a church would honestly not be judgemental. I've become very jaded towards, mostly men, in CofC. Both my husband's were truly awful people. My most recent ex is attending a new church, and since he was "innocent" in our divorce, he is pitied, supported, leads Bible studies...etc. My sister is married to a preacher and he is the laziest, most two-faced person I know. I don't consider myself an atheist, I definitely believe in a higher power. Possibly more of a deist. But there are things I miss about "church," like singing, having a reason to get dressed nice, dressing my kids up and hearing them sing their little songs, and having friends. I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and "feel" something. Anything but the bitterness and skepticism I felt yesterday. I don't know where to start.

[agricola]

Hi, and you are certainly welcome here.

Probably I have no actual idea what you truly do need, but just reading what you have written, I THINK maybe you are still in a stage where you haven't quite REALLY left, because the CoC mindset is so strong in your past that it is still THERE, and it is hindering you from moving away. Do you feel stuck? I may be totally off track, and if so, I apologize. But for a lot of people, that 'stuck' stage isn't something you can free yourself from really easily (for most people who are normal). I am suggesting that, MAYBE, you might want to see a counselor - probably the kind that helps you work through from where you are now, and not one that wants to rehash all the details of how you got there!

We can't change our pasts, we can only change going forward.

Also I think you can safely attend this new place and let your kids go there, without feeling that you yourself have to be right there with them at the same place in your head, right? If they like it and it is positive for them and helps them grow up the way you want them to?

So many people leave a CoC and immediately jump into the first new church they encounter, because the CoC was so very good and indoctrinating everyone into the idea that 'church attendance' was critically important!
But mental health and emotional well being are important too - and (critically) vital for making the best choice to join a new religious community. (Or the best new religious community?).

So first we leave the CoC physically, and then we leave it emotionally and intellectually - (ideal case) - and THEN we find our next best place to be (which could be church, or not).

Is counseling a possibility? I don't know where you live (don't tell me). Some areas have resources which other areas don't. But people can do a lot on their own, with books, and really good and non-judgmental friends. Good luck!

Meanwhile, we have had a lot of people posting on this site with a lot of different (yet oddly similar) experiences, and maybe reading through some of our past discussions will help - so please feel free to browse!

[Cootie Brown]

Full disclosure before I offer any thoughts. My pedigree first. I wasn’t raised in a religious environment.My mother was agnostic and my father was an atheist. I met my future wife at the USO while serving in the Navy in 1965. We’ve been married for 54 years now. No thoughts of divorce and no infidelity. We have 2 grown children and one grandson age 26.

My wife was a cradle Baptist. I was baptized shortly after we were married. I have never honestly had a come to Jesus moment. I was baptized mostly to please my bride, but I eventually became very active in the Baptist Church. Twelve years later we met some folks that were c of C. That lead to us agreeing to a Bible study with a c of C preacher. That lead to a 27 year relationship with the c of C that ended in 2005 when I was asked to resign as an elder.

The reason I was asked to resign as an Elder was because, at an Elders retreat, I admitted that I didn’t believe the Bible was the fully inerrant verbally inspired words of God. I’d taught Bible classes for 30+ years as a Baptist and member of the c of C. I’d served as a deacon many times, knocked doors for Jesus, and held home Bible studies with denominational believers with the purpose of making them members of the c of C.

I left the c of C in 2005 and began studying and researching the origins and evolution of the Bible and the Christian faith from a purely secular historical perspective. My study and research continues even now. My research has convinced me that Christianity is just one of many man made religions. There is nothing Holy or Sacred about it. I left religion altogether after a year or so into my study and research.

So, why am I telling you my life story? I want you to understand I was a deeply committed Christian for more than 40 years and I’m 74 years old now. After leaving the c of C my wife and I were members of an independent community church. I briefly served as an elder there too. I was still trying to save my faith but I eventually realized it was gone forever.

This is a support site, so I am simply offering my perspective and support from a different perspective. Personally, my life is 100% better without religion. Living without the fear of going to a fictional man made place called Hell is an enormous relief. My wife is still a Christian and is a member of a large Methodist Church.

Based on what you’ve written I think religion is the basis of your problems and distress. By your own admission you have been unable to live the Christian life and that has burdened you with guilt and the fear of hell. I wasn’t able to either, and nobody else is either. This a fundamental truth of life everyone has a public life, a private life, and a secret life. That includes preachers elders, deacons and all those self righteous believers you encounter at church.

I assure you that the Bible is neither literally nor historically true. It’s a collection of “theological” myths (fictional stories). My studies have convinced me that Jesus was a fictional character in a fictional story. But, that’s just my conclusion based on my study and research.

I’m not suggesting you leave the faith, I am suggesting you might find life more enjoyable if you get away from fundamentalists versions of Christianity and try a more liberal version aka mainstream Christians like Methodist, Presbyterian, Disciples of Christ, Episcopal, etc.

As I noted, I find life 100% better without religion, but that’s just me. That isn’t possible if you believe Heaven, Hell, sin, punishment, and God are real. In that case I think you should consider a more grace focused less legalistic version of Christianity to associate with.

I am a member of a site called Ex-Christian.net and I can assure you leaving religion, or just leaving a fundamentalist version of Christianity takes many years to recover from. Religious trauma syndrome is a real thing and it takes most people YEARS to recover from that.

[FinallyFree]

Thanks to Cootie for giving you such a nice and thoughtful answer!
I am glad you have joined us. So sorry you have had such a hard time.
I will add that there are churches that don’t take everything in the Bible so literally. You could find a church that shows love and believes in grace and forgiveness. They are out there.

[BabyNurse]

Thank all of you for your responses! I will say just putting it all down, pen-to-paper...or I guess fingers to keyboard, seemed like a release. Then, seeing such welcoming and non-judgmental responses was a cherry on top! I know that I could use some counseling with all of this. My life circumstances right now (I have a one, two, and eleven year old, I homeschool my special needs fourteen year old, plus a full time job) have turned "self-care" into a distant fantasy. That's why I decided to be more proactive in seeking out self-help. It seems like a good place to start. The church my boyfriend has found does seem, from my limited exposure so far, to be the opposite of all those I've ever known. Quite a culture shock, but still feels welcoming. Grace and love is definitely their focus! Also, thank you for giving me a name to describe what I'm dealing with. I have already researched Religious Trama Syndrome and discovered a slew of even more support options and resources to explore. I am eager to keep digging and try to resurface/purge all of the toxic indoctrination. I very much appreciate all the insight!

[gordie91]

Welcome to the board. Your story is very heartbreaking and I wish you all the best. Agri's advice is very good and when I started coming here helped me quite well. I would recommend finding some of her posts related to leaving and dealing with all that is involved when one does leave.

So first we leave the CoC physically, and then we leave it emotionally and intellectually - (ideal case) - and THEN we find our next best place to be (which could be church, or not).

Absolutely an ideal scenario. In my case I left intellectually first and that really caused a lot of anger and frustration. But, once I left physically the troubles seemed to diminish. No real confrontations. I suppose all the anger and contrary views I expressed while still physically present paved the way for a smooth transition. Watch your children, they will let you know if the new church home is a good fit. Also, maybe just absorb the new place and hold off on any judgement pro or con for a later date.

Anyways, welcome and wish all the best.

[agricola]

Yes! Gordie is right: Watch your children - does this place help them grow? That will tell you what you want to know.

Take a look also at the children and young people older than your own, too. Some places are good for the younger children, but stifling for the teenagers. The best place will be decent places whatever the ages of the congregation (but that can be a rare find).

One thing the CoC does which is so bad for us, I think, is that it gives us the idea that something can be - and must be 'perfect'. And that something which isn't 'perfect' is 100% wrong.
That ATTITUDE is itself wrong. 'Perfect' might be a nice ideal, but it is rarely an achievable place. And 'less than perfect' is NOT 100% evil.
There is an actual difference between something which is positively evil, and something which is just somewhere around 80% good.

[Ivy]

Welcome, BabyNurse!!

[B.H.]

Hello. I heard through the grapevine that Jesus got tired of his marriage to the Church of Christ and divorced her. Claimed all she wanted to do was talk, was cold and unaffectionate, a loveless marriage. Jesus went off and married the Methodist Church and is far happier since. When asked if it was a scriptural marriage Jesus just said " My word is TRUTH" and "I ride the clouds in power" so what is anyone going to do? Jesus and the Methodist Church make a nice couple and seem happy. The Church of Christ went off to some resort in Nevada and ended up a crack whore. Also, in all manuscripts of the bible regardless of language Roman's 16:16 went from churches of christ salute you to methodist churches salute you. Boy, now there's a miracle!

[Ivy]

BH, please don't scare BabyNurse away. BabyNurse, while BH does have a weird sense of humor, he is harmless.