New here-left 16 years ago

[rmtucker]

The Ex-church of Christ website has been very validating to me. I grew up in hardline cofC and wrestled with it's traditions, rules and hardness on people. I am now in my 60s and still have triggering moments almost like PTSD from things that happened to me within my immediate family and from elders and members of the church. To further complicate things my father was a hardline cofC minister when I was in 4th grade until I was a senior in high school. This man was controlling, narcissistic, abusive (not sexually), dismissive, harsh, critical, punishing of our mother and of me and my brother. So I found it impossible to reconcile the man in the pulpit with the man we went home in the car with. He left the ministry and simultaneously divorced our mom and abandoned our family taking the only good car, house in foreclosure and paid no child support. The church where he had been the minister treated my mom, brother and me with "hands off", as if we had done something wrong or improper. My father was disfellowshipped but it truly felt like the cofC disfellowshipped my mom, brother and me at the same time. We decided to try going to another church (this one in Salt Lake City) and I will never forget walking into the entry/hall/lobby area and members who were already there and congregating in that area literally turned their heads even to face the wall, rather than look at or speak to us. We were definitely shunned. We kept going there a few times but it was just too difficult to experience the shunning week after week. We were already broken and bleeding. I always thought it strange that not one person, not one teacher, not one friendly member reached out to me or to my brother during this time. We ended up not attending church anywhere for a period of time. I ended up moving to three different high schools my senior year during all this chaos. To lose the fellowship with the people you had come to know so well from being together every Sunday morning, every Sunday night and every Wednesday night (and potlucks, picnics, etc.) was devastating. Our mother returned to the church later on. I stayed away from any religion for seven years and got married to a non-believer/but seeker during that time. My brother, four years younger, was hurt the most as our mom became less emotionally and physically "available" to us as she had been all our lives. After my seven years away, things in my life were not going well and I felt I had to "get back to God" and the only way I knew was to go back to church. We had moved to another state and I visited a cofC near where we were living at the time. My husband became a believer while at that church. We had another job move and we stayed in a cofC for 16 years. I became increasingly frustrated with the church's "traditions" and we left. We now attend a non-denominational church and my husband often teaches apologetics in our Sunday School class.

[Ivy]

Welcome to the board!!

[SolaDude]

I'm very sorry to hear of this happening to your family, but am glad you posted here. I especially am surprised at your and your Mom's great patience with the CofC, going back to it after all of this happened. But I hope your new path with be very positive for you now and you can move on.

[rmtucker]

Thank you. SolaDude, my mom actually lived a "double-life" for awhile that I didn't learn about until she gave me her diaries. I didn't read them until she passed away in 2008. Going back to the cofC for her was just something she needed to feel "righteous" and "right with the Lord". As I moved further and further away from the cofC I tried to explain to her but she didn't shun me. She did actually do a sort of shunning to my little brother by writing the most horrible letter that broke his heart. They never mended properly, both of them before she passed. I try now to just love my brother and his family so much. I've kept my mom's letters and emails going back to the 1980s. With those and her diaries, I've thought of writing a book. But just trying to scan to digital the first few letters it brought up so many painful memories and was so triggering that I couldn't continue. Maybe some day.

[agricola]

Welcome to the ex-board! I hope this place is helpful.

[SolaDude]

Thank you. SolaDude, my mom actually lived a "double-life" for awhile that I didn't learn about until she gave me her diaries. I didn't read them until she passed away in 2008. Going back to the cofC for her was just something she needed to feel "righteous" and "right with the Lord". As I moved further and further away from the cofC I tried to explain to her but she didn't shun me. She did actually do a sort of shunning to my little brother by writing the most horrible letter that broke his heart. They never mended properly, both of them before she passed. I try now to just love my brother and his family so much. I've kept my mom's letters and emails going back to the 1980s. With those and her diaries, I've thought of writing a book. But just trying to scan to digital the first few letters it brought up so many painful memories and was so triggering that I couldn't continue. Maybe some day.

That's very understandable. Maybe someday. I never understood the shunning thing. Just curious, what do you mean by "double life" if you don't mind my asking? Also, is there a reason for shunning your brother and not you? He indeed is very fortunate to have a sister like you.

[rmtucker]

SolaDude, from my mom’s diaries I learned that between the time we were shunned as a family and my mom leaving church then returning to church, she was having affairs, dancing, drinking, smoking — all very uncharacteristic and unusual for her. We had no idea, none whatsoever. Meaning my brother and I had no idea. I was shocked to learn this. Then when she went back to the cofC she became so rigid and judgmental and fundamentalist believing that she turned on my brother. I was doing well in life, my brother was not. It’s a very long story. My brother began acting out in his jr high years and my mom was commuting to/from work and wasn’t at home for him like he needed. I had married and left home by this time. My mom told our dad that he had to take my brother because she couldn’t handle him. My dad was working in the oil and gas business and was gone about 3 days a week. So my brother felt abandoned by his mom and me, found himself alone and continued to act out and do poorly in school. Go figure. My dad turned him over to the state and my poor brother ended up completing high school in a rehab called Odyssey House. He learned to say what they wanted to hear. The rehab only let us visit him at Christmas and brother seemed so nervous it was awkward. He was lost, lonely and truly abandoned. A therapist told me I was in survival mode and that’s why I didn’t help my brother more. I was a mess during that time. With zero parental support from my or my husband’s family, I worked 2 and 3 jobs while my husband was getting his masters. I communicated as little as possible with my dad. I felt separate from my brother. Well, a few years later and my brother’s two failed marriages, my mom suddenly decided he should be a deacon in the cofC and be “taking care of her”. Victim mentality. My brother was not an active church member for all this time - go figure. I feel like I have rambled on, I hope this is making some sense.

[SolaDude]

SolaDude, from my mom’s diaries I learned that between the time we were shunned as a family and my mom leaving church then returning to church, she was having affairs, dancing, drinking, smoking — all very uncharacteristic and unusual for her. We had no idea, none whatsoever. Meaning my brother and I had no idea. I was shocked to learn this. Then when she went back to the cofC she became so rigid and judgmental and fundamentalist believing that she turned on my brother. I was doing well in life, my brother was not. It’s a very long story. My brother began acting out in his jr high years and my mom was commuting to/from work and wasn’t at home for him like he needed. I had married and left home by this time. My mom told our dad that he had to take my brother because she couldn’t handle him. My dad was working in the oil and gas business and was gone about 3 days a week. So my brother felt abandoned by his mom and me, found himself alone and continued to act out and do poorly in school. Go figure. My dad turned him over to the state and my poor brother ended up completing high school in a rehab called Odyssey House. He learned to say what they wanted to hear. The rehab only let us visit him at Christmas and brother seemed so nervous it was awkward. He was lost, lonely and truly abandoned. A therapist told me I was in survival mode and that’s why I didn’t help my brother more. I was a mess during that time. With zero parental support from my or my husband’s family, I worked 2 and 3 jobs while my husband was getting his masters. I communicated as little as possible with my dad. I felt separate from my brother. Well, a few years later and my brother’s two failed marriages, my mom suddenly decided he should be a deacon in the cofC and be “taking care of her”. Victim mentality. My brother was not an active church member for all this time - go figure. I feel like I have rambled on, I hope this is making some sense.

Thank you for sharing this, rm. I hope you and your brother are doing much better now, but it seems there are a number of issues in your situation for both you and your brother to have to deal and cope with, including perhaps setting boundaries with your Mom. Have you sought counseling to help you and your brother in this situation?

[rmtucker]

We have not sought counseling together and my brother is in a very good place now and doing wonderfully. Our mom passed in 2008. I hope to move to where he lives to help him and his wife who are raising an autistic grandson. Thanks for your care.

[Moogy]

What a painful history you have. I hope you will find our board a supportive place. We have gone in different directions, but we all recognize the harm done to us by our time in the COC.