Struggling to Let Go...Struggling to Forgive

[17yearsfree]

Greetings community!

I've been a lurker for several years now...old board and new. I apologize for not introducing myself sooner or putting things out there. I thought that over the years and after being out for a very long time now, I would feel more free and able to move on more easily. That hasn't been the case especially lately. So I'm here to share my story and to finally join the group so I can help offer support to some of you as well instead of selfishly perusing stories all day.

I'll skip the dirty details as much as possible in the hopes that identity remains anonymous. I grew up in cOfC, since I was a small child. Mother as a single mom, remarried and had 2 more children. My best friends were at the church. I participated in all extracurricular events, as well as the standard 2 Sunday visits, Wednesday nights like most of you. There were tumultuous times here and there during my earlier youth in the cofC I attended, but nothing as traumatic as things that happened in my teenage years, and resulting division in the church. My parents began participating in bible studies with believers from other denominations, and the elders of course could have none of this, and rebuked them for it. They were encouraged to "come forward" and I believe my mother actually did, sadly. I cannot remember this, as I was a teen worried more about friends and struggling with self-esteem as it were. Long story short, my parents left the church, along with some other families. I on the other hand had no intention of leaving. After all, my best friends were at this church I grew up in. This also did not sit well with the leadership. I guess since my parents were now "wolves in sheeps clothing" and in the elders' minds caused the division that I, too, must be treated in the worst manner possible. There were a couple other peers that stayed along with me whose parents had left, and they too were singled out and made to feel like less than nothing. We were branded as trouble makers and outright lies were told about us and then we were not allowed to ride with the other teenagers to the youth trips and events. Yes, we had to pay for and provide our own transportation hours away because our parents had made the decision to leave. I cannot express how hurtful this all was, as this time in my life is probably the time I needed a loving church group the most, and youth group was the only thing I had left keeping me strong in the faith.

No longer. I chose to leave after those transgressions against us. I never stepped foot in a church again for at least another 5 years. I went through bouts of anxiety trying to find other church groups and denominations. I was too afraid to be hurt again so badly. I did find a community-centric church which I attended for several years which opened up my mind and emotions to the concept of Grace. This was wonderful and boy were they accepting of any and all people, in all walks of life. No judgments. I couldn't conceive of what Christ looked like with no judgments.

Fast forward several more years and through circumstance, not able to attend that wonderful grace church. While I was lucky my parents left the cofc and I didn't have to endure a lot of pain that many of you do with immediate family still remaining and having the falling out associated with leaving, I still deal with the ingrained mentality that comes with growing up cofc. My mother's entire family still attends the cofc, and hardline ones too. I have stopped attending family events because of the judgment and treatment of many of them. My mother has been in denial with her family about the pain of the cofc for years, and still tries to hide that she no longer attends. It just tears me up inside because of the hurt they, and I suffered. I get not wanting to rip open wounds or have disharmony in the family. But not so much that I will hide my happiness or pretend to be someone I am not to have that happen.

I guess where I am at now, with so much of the media portrayal of the religious zealotry and bigotry that is going on, my anger and pain are re-emerging. I blame denominations like the cofc and the mentality that you must always be striving for perfection, but of course you will never obtain it. You have to feel lower than dirt to even think that you can get close to God's love. You must not ever celebrate your accomplishments, achievements, or be allowed to stand out in any way lest you be judged harshly by God and those in the church leadership. These things are hard to forgive. They have only served to make me more angrier over the years because I am fine with being me. I have embraced the person I am, which is an eccentric but fun, broken sinner. I am okay with all of this. But they will not even let me be okay with it. Even though I have been out for years, I feel their judgments on me and I want so badly for them to shut up and accept that I no longer subscribe to the cult-like behavior and overall misery. My family just wants me to let go and move on, but I feel like this is the equivalent of allowing a child to carry on a tantrum in public with no consequences. I feel the need to call them on their behavior. And so I avoid them all now as much as possible. The hurt never stops with these people.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for sharing all of your stories over the years. The post about Post Traumatic Church Syndrome really struck a nerve and made me realize just how much damage was done and has continued into my adult life.

Wishing you all peace.

[Tsathoggua]

What a story! Thanks for sharing, and welcome aboard.

[agricola]

Welcome to the support side of the ex coc board. Stick around!

[GMan]

Hell-o and a great BIG welcome.

[cathym]

Welcome! It's crazy how they treated you as a teen -- I would expect them to be extra nice, in hopes of using you to draw your parents back!

[bnot]

Welcome! thanks for sharing your story.

[Ivy]

Welcome, 17!! So glad you joined us.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[juliac]

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story - really touched me!

[ButNowISee]

Glad to have you here 17YearsFree. I've visited the forum before but not recently (and had to create a new sign-on as I forgot my old one!).

Time heals. I was raised in the CoC, have a brother who is a retired CoC minister and many family members who still attend. I was drawn here today and found your post because a relative invited me last week to attend the "Homecoming" at my old church. They just don't understand that there is no way I could sit through another CoC sermon ... ever ... for as long as live. And I feel good about that! The last CoC service I attended was about 10 years ago. I could barely stomach to sit through that one.

I've since been drawn to the Episcopal church, and that is where I go when I do attend. I'm sorry that you're still having trouble with your family members and feelings of anger. I hope that you can find the will to let it go. If you can, you will truly be free. But you are the only one who can do that. You cannot control other people or their actions; you can only control your reaction to them.

We're all in this boat together! I send good thoughts your way with the encouragement to set yourself free.

[17yearsfree]

Thanks all for the responses. And thank you for the words of encouragement ButNowISee. After I initially posted I read another newcomer's thread and, realizing how positive theirs was in comparison to mine, felt a little ridiculous about my bitterness and anger. I realize that by hanging onto the anger, it just gives them the win and I shouldn't let them have any of my energy like that. Trying to focus on the positive can be difficult. But that's why we are here right? To help lift each other up and share.