Been lurking a few months

[Shrubbery]

Hi, I joined this site earlier this year, and I've been reading off and on since then. I haven't left the coc yet, but I want to. Unfortunately, things are a little complicated.

I did not grow up coc. Not even close. I grew up a normal protestant denomination. I'm being slightly vague so as to not identify myself to anyone local yet. Anyway, when I met my now husband, he invited me to church and I went. Then they did the whole Bible study thing and I got sucked in. I was only about 20 years old at the time, so pretty easily swayed by their tactics.

Now 20 years later, I have decided I want out. A couple problems... 1) my husband is a deacon, so I assume he'll lose that position when I change to a denominational church, 2) I have kids ranging from toddler to high schooler... Not sure how to handle that.

I've kind of screwed up by not telling my husband about any of my doubts the last couple years. So now I'm miles down the road heading away from the coc, and he has no idea I even looked at that road.

I've been waiting to tell him until my children's class teaching duties were over for the year (finding a replacement for that class on short notice is difficult). They just ended, and now I want to go check out local churches. I live in hardline coc land, but there are a few churches I can check out (Episcopal, Methodist, Disciples of Christ). I would love to attend a local Christmas Eve service this year...

I've gotten to the point that I dread Sundays and Wednesdays. The elders will talk about Sundays and Wednesdays being spiritually uplifting and Wednesdays being a midweek recharge. For me, it doesn't feel like that at all. I swear every sermon is either bashing other denominations or calling anyone who believes in old earth/evolution an atheist (a recent sermon equated evolutionist with atheist in a section that seemed to not even have anything to do with the main topic of the sermon!).

I am lucky in that, for a conservative non-institutional coc, the elders are pretty good overall. So I have not experienced any spiritual abuse as of yet. I've witnessed only one instance in this congregation. I just don't believe the CENI doctrine with silence being prohibitive (hello, Jesus celebrated Hanukkah). I'm tired of the women can't be in leadership stuff, when Deborah was the civil and spiritual leader of Israel for 40 years, appointed by God. I'm tired of everyone expecting me to vote republican or libertarian... Voting for a Democrat equals killing babies, in their mind. There is just so much I can't listen to much longer.

So there it is. Any advice on my issues would be welcome. I know I'll lose friends when I leave. Thankfully, my two best friends are not coc, and they're fully supportive of me breaking out! My own family is also not coc, so I'll have their support. I'm just concerned about the hit on my marriage that this is going to be. I have a decent marriage overall, and I hate to rock the boat, but I need out of this church.

[Ivy]

Welcome, Shrubbery!!

[agricola]

Well.
I have no good advice at this point. Is there any chance you could suggest to your husband that you 'take a break' (from church)? Is that absolutely not a possibility? It is a sad thing to create a chasm between husband and wife.

But I don't think you should totally subjugate yourself on the altar of your husband's comfort and his position as a deacon either.

Alas, you will really have to find a good time to have a sincere discussion with him - maybe not laying out every single topic, but enough to get started introducing him to the idea that you simply must get out of there.

Maybe he has unexpressed doubts as well?

You'll never know if you never talk.

[FinallyFree]

I agree with agricola that you are going to have to start talking to your husband about all this. Don't be discouraged if he reacts badly at first. This will take some time. My husband reacted badly at first, but, amazingly, over time he came to have doubts himself and it eventually all worked out. We now attend a Disciples of Christ church.
I understand about you dreading Sundays and Wednesdays. I used to feel that way (especially about Wednesday nights). I love my church now.
Looking back on growing up in a CofC, it seemed the only message I got as a child was that everyone else was wrong and that baptism was this magical thing. I did not grow up in a non-institutional church, so it could have been worse, I guess.
Let us know what happens.

[Shrubbery]

Taking a break from church would be noticed by the elders. They announce each service every person who is home with the sniffles or visiting another church. Last time I stayed home because of a minor cold that I just didn't want to spread to the new babies and such, they announced my being home with a cold. I'm like really? You need to pray for my mild cold? If I have cancer, please announce it and pray for me. If I'm home with the sniffles, I'll be fine. No need to extend the service time telling everyone about it.

I'm hoping to find a good time to talk in the next week... It's hard because we're always surrounded by kids. :p And he doesn't like to talk at bed time because his brain turns on and he can't sleep (and this is something that would definitely keep him up). But then he doesn't like to talk in the morning either (his mother says his dad is the same way). I need to insist on a date night, I guess. Get us out of the house and able to talk without little ears around.

I certainly will not sacrifice myself so he can be a deacon. I just hate that he has to stop the specific job he does for the church (which isn't mentioned in the Bible :p) because I'll be attending a different church. And that job doesn't involve me or require a wife at all. So it's stupid that his wife must be a faithful coc'er. The whole coc deacon system seems unbiblical to me, if they're going to be so strict about CENI. The example we have of deacons is feeding the widows (possibly teaching the widows, depending on how you interpret those passages). There is no example of them keeping up with church building maintenance, computer network maintenance, church treasury, overseeing organization of Bible class teachers, and other such "deacon jobs". And who feeds widows in the coc? Women! But they can't be deacons.

I don't think he has any aspirations of being an elder ever... He isn't that type of guy. So I'm thankful there... Not crushing his dreams.

[FinallyFree]

That is rough that the elders announce when anyone is not there. That is really being trapped.
Your screen name is very interesting, by the way. Are you into gardening or does it mean you are just there and trying not to be noticed?

[Cootie Brown]

I can relate to your situation. My wife was raised Baptist. My family was not religious. My wife lead me to Christ & the Baptist Church after we were married. Twelve years later we agree to a Bible study with a c of C Minister. Her boss & my boss at that time were both c of C. I was not familiar with the c of C.

That study turned into a 27 year affiliation with the c of C. In the late 90's I developed doubts about both the c of C and the Bible too. I left the c of C in 2005. I was an Elder at the time. My wife left with me but wasn't as convinced as I was that the c of C was theologically flat out wrong.

Based on my experience & others I'm familiar with the fallout will be significant. Expect your social structure to collapse. You with be viewed as an apostate outcast. You will almost certainly be shunned. Don't think for a moment this will not affect your marriage because it will.

The Church of Christ is a cult. Whenever I say that I get challenged, it doesn't matter. The Church of Christ, especially the version you are in. is most definitely a cult, and they will act accordingly. None of our former really close friends have spoken to us since we left.

If what I'm saying is making you uncomfortable that's good. What you are considering doing will almost certainly change your life in ways you can't even imagine. It is possible that such a move will destroy your marriage. I am active on another site & the horror stories people tell about leaving a strong fundamentalists church is shocking & depressing.

I'm no longer a believer but my wife is a very happy Methodist & I go to services with her. You can leave the Methodist Church & not a word would be said & you would keep all your friends. That's the difference between a church and a cult.

I do understand when you just can't take anymore of their nonsense you want out. Definitely talk to your husband & try to make him understand why you want out and be prepared for a very negative response from him. The word will get out & you will be badgered & the Elders will want to talk to you.

Like I said I was an Elder so I know what goes on behind closed doors. The first elders meeting I attended was an eye opener. It was mostly a gossip session about various members of the congregation. I'm not trying to discourage you from doing what you feel you have to do, I'm just saying it will get messy & very unpleasant. You need to prepare yourself & think this decision through before you make it public.

[teresa]

Hi Shrubbery

Your husband might be interested in reading some short articles by Edward Fudge (recently deceased) who served as an elder for the Bering Drive Church of Christ for 19 years. Maybe print out one or two and leave them around the house where he will see them?

You can also do a word or topic search on Edward Fudge's site to read more about these and other topics. Edward Fudge loved his brothers and sisters in the CoC and wrote with deep compassion and kindness even while confronting some of their traditional views.

About baptism: https://edwardfudge.com/2012/03/origin- ... ition-1-2/

About worshiping in truth: https://edwardfudge.com/2012/02/worship-in-truth/

About instruments in worship: https://edwardfudge.com/2012/02/instrument-a-non-issue/

[Shrubbery]

Your screen name is very interesting, by the way. Are you into gardening or does it mean you are just there and trying not to be noticed?

Hahaha... I think every plant I touch dies. It's a Monty Python reference. I'm sure Monty Python wouldn't be approved by the coc.

[Shrubbery]

Your husband might be interested in reading some short articles by Edward Fudge (recently deceased) who served as an elder for the Bering Drive Church of Christ for 19 years. Maybe print out one or two and leave them around the house where he will see them?

You can also do a word or topic search on Edward Fudge's site to read more about these and other topics. Edward Fudge loved his brothers and sisters in the CoC and wrote with deep compassion and kindness even while confronting some of their traditional views.

I'll check those out! That movie about him caused quite a stir around here. One church split over the way the elders handled a woman (preacher's wife) who acted in the movie. They were pretty nasty. Half the church left, not because they thought she was right (they all believed she had sinned) but because the elders weren't following the Bible in dealing with the sin. That's a more rural church. They had the kind of elders where if you weren't at every gospel meeting night, you were forsaking the assembly. My congregation isn't THAT bad, thankfully. I've regularly skipped gospel meeting nights without anyone saying anything.

I've read about Fudge a little bit on the One in Jesus site (that site author also died earlier this year).