Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

After 20 years of being "rebuked", prayed for, and pitied by my family for leaving the COC, I have finally reached my limit of patience with them. I guess I'm slow, but I'm 56, and I just want PEACE. They are so dramatic. In fact, the COC is so dramatic! I am so glad I "escaped" that prison!

Welcome, Sonya!! You have found kindred spirits here.

Welcome! I'm astonished at the way coc members treat their own children when they leave, especially if they just go to another denomination.

It has been a shock to me as well. I knew it would be bad when I left, but I thought the harassment would have ended by now. They NEVER give up. And now that I've decided to go No Contact (at least for awhile), it'll get much much worse.

Sonya wrote:It has been a shock to me as well. I knew it would be bad when I left, but I thought the harassment would have ended by now. They NEVER give up. And now that I've decided to go No Contact (at least for awhile), it'll get much much worse.

Do you have friends who are supportive of you? I am concerned about the "much much worse" thing. Do you feel that there may come a time when the religious harassment is so bad and relentless that legal action of some sort may be necessary to stop it, for example a restraining order, etc.? Perhaps just speaking with a professional counselor or attorney may be helpful?

Welcome!
And have you considered moving away? It worked for me. Eventually.

I feel your pain, sister! Going through it still and I left 20 years ago!!! Depression and anxiety is the result and that is not our Jesus!!!

My family has never stopped harassing me, sending me greeting cards quoting scriptures of hellfire, sending me books and literature. I go in phases of being fed up with them and wanting no contact, to being open to talking to them. But, as my therapist has pointed out, I need to be careful when I'm doing the latter, since I'm often excusing their manipulative behavior and enabling it, which can be harmful!

So, for the past few years I've just been frank with them. Example: I dropped by my parent's house for a quick errand, and relatives from out of town happened to be visiting. They heard I was coming by and made a big show of packing up and leaving early (they had intended to stay until the next day) so as not to fellowship with me. They left me a "friendly note" about how it was sinful of them to fellowship with an erring member, and a couple bonus verses about sinners, adulterers, harlots, drunkards, thieves, etc. I called my aunt immediately and said, "Hey, so I'm not an erring member. I left the church by my own volition 12 years ago. Care to explain your note? Do you often pack up and leave whenever a non-Christian crosses your path? That seems unlikely. You're being quite dramatic and you've made my mother feel just terrible, which I don't appreciate and was unnecessary. Also, I'm not a harlot, drunkard, or a thief so I'm not sure about the relevancy of your verse selections." She was kind of flabbergasted and didn't know what to say -not expecting me to react at all- so I got a sort of incoherent "well, once a member always a member" answer. I don't know how helpful this interaction is, but I think CoC members don't often realize that they are being abusive, and a reminder of the ways in which they are making you feel hurt, uncomfortable, and manipulated might cause them to take a pause and reflect...because for the most part I think people aren't *trying* to be hurtful, they just really mean what they are saying and take the fate of your spirit very seriously in their own misguided ways.

So, if I had to give you any advice, it would be to constantly monitor how your spirit feels. If contact with your relatives continually makes you feel bad, or doesn't add anything positive to your life...it just might be something you should limit. There's no rule that you have to put up with abuse, even if its minor, just because it comes from caring family members. If however, maintaining contact can sometimes be constructive, then I wish you strength! And it's ok to feel both things.

wow...a friendly note letting you know they can't be around you. Yeah, I got that from a woman that we had helped financially for years until she got married again years and had known her since she was a baby. Somehow even though she lived far away she heard we had been "marked" and so she couldn't speak to us the next time we saw her. And at that point we were still trying to be CofC...but "she had heard". People can really be awful.