I am 39, born and raised coc. My husband is in the same boat, he is 43. My dad is a preacher and so is my brother. Back in the 70's, my in-laws played an integral role in "establishing" the coc here in the small town where we live (my husband was born and raised here).
A few years ago while attending the coc here where we live, I fell into a deep depression and also experienced major social anxiety. We would be in the car on our way to services and my chest would become tight and heavy and my breathing would become shallow. Just thinking about being in a church setting (or any other social situation for that matter) brought me to tears. This is why I stopped attending at the beginning. My husband was ever-so patient with me, never pushing me and always being supportive. He is definitely my salvation and rock on this earth. It was a very dark time. I prayed for death almost daily. I remember one night in particular, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and wanting so badly to hang myself with the towel that was draped across the shower rod. I prayed to Him, and begged Him to take that thought away. My prayers at that point had evolved into full-blown conversations laced with accusations and asking him why. I had isolated myself from my family. My brother and sister were "done" with me at one point, but not because I did anything to them. They took my depression personally. Like so many in the coc, I experienced wrath instead of patience and understanding from even my own flesh and blood. While I was away, I still prayed and was in the Word even more than I was while I was attending. I have always questioned certain teachings and doctrines of the church, but kept them to myself. During this time away, I truly experienced His Spirit for the first time. He revealed to me just how messed up the coc as a whole is and how far from the NT church they really are.
Just to give you a little background of my struggles with mental illness, I have been on some combination of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety/anti-psychotic meds since I was 17. I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder when I was 27. For several years, I also became dependent on alcohol. I never prayed to Him about this darkness that plagued me. I was taught He doesn't work that way anymore, so I just accepted it until last year. I finally prayed to Him for healing and I believed that He would. In June, I slowly weaned myself off of my meds (my husband was aware and very watchful) and although it was rough for a few months, I have finally experienced clarity like I never have before. At last, I see things as they truly are. I haven't had a suicidal thought in months and I believe He has healed that in me. I have had a few panic attacks, but nothing like I had before. People actually see the difference in me and I give Him all the glory.
My husband eventually stopped attending the coc in our town as well and in February of last year, we were withdrawn from via letter. In April of last year, we began attending the coc where my brother preaches, which is about a half hour drive from our house. I won't go into the history, but we had attended there years before. We were told that it was different now, and at first it seemed that way. They are considered liberal by many of the conservatives in our area, but they are still a coc. They still twist the scriptures to support their false teachings. Not only that, but my husband and I have experienced some of their hatefulness since we've been "back". Just last Sunday when we weren't there, my brother made some snide comments about us in front of the church. We have been pretty sick for the past couple of weeks, but that doesn't matter to them. All they care about is the pew being filled.
I know what we have to do and I have known for some time. We have to leave, I just don't know how. There are two options. 1.) Just stop going without explanation. 2.) Let them know why we are leaving, but that we hold no resentment against them (we really don't- I have already forgiven my brother for what he said and I do not hold it against him). The latter option seems like the way to go, but honestly I don't know if I'm ready for the repercussions. I can't predict the future, but I do know the past behavior of the church when people leave because I have witnessed it firsthand.
If you pray, please say a prayer for my husband and I. If you have any words of wisdom or comfort to offer, please share them. I am open-minded and willing to look at this from every angle, even if it hurts.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
