My story of leaving the coC
Posted: Mon Jun 03, 2019 4:47 pm
Hello, all. I'm new here.
First off: sorry that this post is lengthy. I've got a lot I've been holding onto...
Secondly: my husband has encouraged me to "talk" to someone, whether it be in a support group or an actual therapist. I decided to start here.
Nearly seven months ago my husband and I (with our three young children) left the coC, and it was very ugly. Very hurtful. We lost literally everyone in our lives. Here's our story:
My husband was raised coC. I was raised in a Pentecostal/Assemblies of God church - and before you ask or assume anything the church I grew up in was VERY mild, very orderly, nothing "crazy". My grandpa was the preacher there for 42 years, and is still on staff. My husband's father passed away when he was a freshman in college, so it was just his mom, his younger brother and sister, and him. His mother is very much what many would consider "hard core" coC. Her local congregation is very dogmatic in what they believe, teach, and allow others to believe. I came into the picture, and my husband (then boyfriend) had Bible studies with me. He basically convinced me that I needed to be re-baptized, and we needed to attend the coC once we got married.
Everything coC was VERY new to me, but I dove in and tried my hardest to study and get to know people. For fifteen years, I quietly listened to sermon after sermon about doctrine, I listened to one person after another state that "God doesn't work like that anymore" and "this is what such and such religion believes", I went to class after class about modesty, and I spent more than ten of those fifteen years trying to keep my three children quiet and complicit during services (of which there were three that we were very "encouraged" to always attend), which led to my spiritual decline. I admittedly became very tired of church services. Going to services became a chore, and I knew that's not how anyone should feel about going to worship. I also didn't ever fully buy in to everything the coC taught. Things like grace and mercy were severely lacking, and I never could understand why so many simple things (such as whether or not a person could have a glass of water with them during services, or whether or not the kids could have a slide to play on when services were over) were turned into these MASSIVE exhausting ordeals. But I stood by my husband, I made very deep and what I thought to be real friendships, and I kept my disagreements with things to myself (for the most part).
After a while, though, I saw a shift happen in my husband's VERY hard core ideals. He began to see things differently than most of the people we worshipped with. He began to challenge his mother on some things. And then one day it's like it all came together for both of us, and we knew we couldn't stay in the coC any longer. We couldn't get our convictions to line up with what our church was teaching. We spent more than a year and a half quietly praying and making this decision. It wasn't one we took lightly.
When we finally decided to leave, we wanted to do it differently than most others who had left before us. Before, when people had left, they would just be gone. Poof. Vanished. And the elders would read a letter from the pulpit stating that they no longer wanted fellowship with us. That should have been it. But people are people, and they like to talk. So many things would be said in regards to the people who had left, and it never sat well with me. I even ashamedly joined in some "gatherings" with fellow ladies of the congregation a time or two in order to "encourage" people who had fallen away to come back. I have always regretted acting in that way. Anyway ~ We wanted to meet face to face with our closest friends, and let them know our reasons. We wanted to be open, because we knew they'd have many questions. So that's what we did. And that blew up in our faces. These people we thought we could be open with ran with what they *heard* rather than what we actually said, things were repeated/shared with the elders in a way that made us seem like we were on the rampage and wanted to tear down the entire congregation. And our meeting with our elders to tell them our decision didn't go well either. One was visibly angry, demanded answers for things that weren't simple, and we left that meeting pretty frustrated and wishing things had gone better, but honestly... they just made our decision to leave even easier.
Fast forward four days, and we received a letter in an email from the elders during Wednesday night services. They also read this letter aloud to the congregation. Not one of them tried to contact us or speak to us before making their decision to shun us. It was two pages long, accusing (mainly my husband) of numerous things that they hadn't even spoken with him about. Many of the things we were accused of weren't even true and were never uttered from our mouths. We were accused of having severe superiority, pride, intolerance, and that we were incredibly selfish. We were told we were in a condition that "upsets the Lord", and that we should ask God for forgiveness and help. And that they were instructing their flock to avoid us. Since then, every single person in that congregation, save for three or four (who will only talk to us via social media, but can't have relationships with us "in person"), have completely cut ties with us. And that includes the people we truly believed to be our DEAREST and closest friends. Our children lost every single one of the friends they had ever known in their whole lives, simply because we decided to go to a different church.
I'd like to add that we had told the elders, and the handful of people we had conversations with, that our leaving in no way meant we wanted to cut ties. We were happy to have people over, to talk to them and tell them why we left (though not in as much detail as we had given our "closest friends"), and to still maintain relationships. We also met with the elders a second time, after we received their letter, and my husband apologized for a few things that he said in our first meeting that he knew weren't kind. We were trying to be at peace so far as it depended on us. We were told forgiveness had been extended, but we didn't receive any explanation for their lack of communication with us, or for anything hurtful they had done. Nor did they let the congregation know that said meeting had occurred (and I know this because of contact we still have with a select few that still attend there).
ALL of this just to say...
If you are thinking of leaving the coC, I will tell you right now --- there is no easy way or right way to do it. There is ZERO reason that you can give that is acceptable to people in that church. Zero. Your desire to go elsewhere will result in losing many many dear friends, if not all of them, and will possibly put strain on familial relationships with people still in the coC. Should you choose to leave, you will find that many of your friendships are/were conditional. They're based on you being a member of their congregation. I mean, we were told (by an elder, no less) that "there's not another sound church within a hundred miles of here". (Talk about PRIDE... good grief.)
We have had to completely start fresh. We've found a new church family that we feel God TRULY did lead us to (I could go on and on about specific answered prayers in that regard), and we are building some really great faith-based friendships. Unconditional ones.
I had to pray away a LOT of anger in those months after we left. I didn't want to speak to ANYONE from that congregation. I could feel myself wanting to turn to hating some of them. But I wouldn't allow Satan that piece of my heart. I had to learn to forgive, even without an inkling of an apology from anyone.
I guess my main reason for joining this community is to know that I'm not alone. And to encourage others where they need it. Maybe my story is similar to others' stories. Maybe we can grow and move forward via these support boards...
Thanks for listening.
First off: sorry that this post is lengthy. I've got a lot I've been holding onto...
Secondly: my husband has encouraged me to "talk" to someone, whether it be in a support group or an actual therapist. I decided to start here.
Nearly seven months ago my husband and I (with our three young children) left the coC, and it was very ugly. Very hurtful. We lost literally everyone in our lives. Here's our story:
My husband was raised coC. I was raised in a Pentecostal/Assemblies of God church - and before you ask or assume anything
the church I grew up in was VERY mild, very orderly, nothing "crazy". My grandpa was the preacher there for 42 years, and is still on staff. My husband's father passed away when he was a freshman in college, so it was just his mom, his younger brother and sister, and him. His mother is very much what many would consider "hard core" coC. Her local congregation is very dogmatic in what they believe, teach, and allow others to believe. I came into the picture, and my husband (then boyfriend) had Bible studies with me. He basically convinced me that I needed to be re-baptized, and we needed to attend the coC once we got married. Everything coC was VERY new to me, but I dove in and tried my hardest to study and get to know people. For fifteen years, I quietly listened to sermon after sermon about doctrine, I listened to one person after another state that "God doesn't work like that anymore" and "this is what such and such religion believes", I went to class after class about modesty, and I spent more than ten of those fifteen years trying to keep my three children quiet and complicit during services (of which there were three that we were very "encouraged" to always attend), which led to my spiritual decline. I admittedly became very tired of church services. Going to services became a chore, and I knew that's not how anyone should feel about going to worship. I also didn't ever fully buy in to everything the coC taught. Things like grace and mercy were severely lacking, and I never could understand why so many simple things (such as whether or not a person could have a glass of water with them during services, or whether or not the kids could have a slide to play on when services were over) were turned into these MASSIVE exhausting ordeals. But I stood by my husband, I made very deep and what I thought to be real friendships, and I kept my disagreements with things to myself (for the most part).
After a while, though, I saw a shift happen in my husband's VERY hard core ideals. He began to see things differently than most of the people we worshipped with. He began to challenge his mother on some things. And then one day it's like it all came together for both of us, and we knew we couldn't stay in the coC any longer. We couldn't get our convictions to line up with what our church was teaching. We spent more than a year and a half quietly praying and making this decision. It wasn't one we took lightly.
When we finally decided to leave, we wanted to do it differently than most others who had left before us. Before, when people had left, they would just be gone. Poof. Vanished. And the elders would read a letter from the pulpit stating that they no longer wanted fellowship with us. That should have been it. But people are people, and they like to talk. So many things would be said in regards to the people who had left, and it never sat well with me. I even ashamedly joined in some "gatherings" with fellow ladies of the congregation a time or two in order to "encourage" people who had fallen away to come back. I have always regretted acting in that way. Anyway ~ We wanted to meet face to face with our closest friends, and let them know our reasons. We wanted to be open, because we knew they'd have many questions. So that's what we did. And that blew up in our faces. These people we thought we could be open with ran with what they *heard* rather than what we actually said, things were repeated/shared with the elders in a way that made us seem like we were on the rampage and wanted to tear down the entire congregation. And our meeting with our elders to tell them our decision didn't go well either. One was visibly angry, demanded answers for things that weren't simple, and we left that meeting pretty frustrated and wishing things had gone better, but honestly... they just made our decision to leave even easier.
Fast forward four days, and we received a letter in an email from the elders during Wednesday night services. They also read this letter aloud to the congregation. Not one of them tried to contact us or speak to us before making their decision to shun us. It was two pages long, accusing (mainly my husband) of numerous things that they hadn't even spoken with him about. Many of the things we were accused of weren't even true and were never uttered from our mouths. We were accused of having severe superiority, pride, intolerance, and that we were incredibly selfish. We were told we were in a condition that "upsets the Lord", and that we should ask God for forgiveness and help. And that they were instructing their flock to avoid us. Since then, every single person in that congregation, save for three or four (who will only talk to us via social media, but can't have relationships with us "in person"), have completely cut ties with us. And that includes the people we truly believed to be our DEAREST and closest friends. Our children lost every single one of the friends they had ever known in their whole lives, simply because we decided to go to a different church.
I'd like to add that we had told the elders, and the handful of people we had conversations with, that our leaving in no way meant we wanted to cut ties. We were happy to have people over, to talk to them and tell them why we left (though not in as much detail as we had given our "closest friends"), and to still maintain relationships. We also met with the elders a second time, after we received their letter, and my husband apologized for a few things that he said in our first meeting that he knew weren't kind. We were trying to be at peace so far as it depended on us. We were told forgiveness had been extended, but we didn't receive any explanation for their lack of communication with us, or for anything hurtful they had done. Nor did they let the congregation know that said meeting had occurred (and I know this because of contact we still have with a select few that still attend there).
ALL of this just to say...
If you are thinking of leaving the coC, I will tell you right now --- there is no easy way or right way to do it. There is ZERO reason that you can give that is acceptable to people in that church. Zero. Your desire to go elsewhere will result in losing many many dear friends, if not all of them, and will possibly put strain on familial relationships with people still in the coC. Should you choose to leave, you will find that many of your friendships are/were conditional. They're based on you being a member of their congregation. I mean, we were told (by an elder, no less) that "there's not another sound church within a hundred miles of here". (Talk about PRIDE... good grief.)
We have had to completely start fresh. We've found a new church family that we feel God TRULY did lead us to (I could go on and on about specific answered prayers in that regard), and we are building some really great faith-based friendships. Unconditional ones.
I had to pray away a LOT of anger in those months after we left. I didn't want to speak to ANYONE from that congregation. I could feel myself wanting to turn to hating some of them. But I wouldn't allow Satan that piece of my heart. I had to learn to forgive, even without an inkling of an apology from anyone.
I guess my main reason for joining this community is to know that I'm not alone. And to encourage others where they need it. Maybe my story is similar to others' stories. Maybe we can grow and move forward via these support boards...
Thanks for listening.
