Ready to Recover
Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:09 am
Hi All! I apologize in advance that this will probably be painfully long. I came to the realization yesterday that my experiences have left me very hardened and closed off. I don't want to feel that way, so I'm ready to try to start my post CofC healing. This group really seems like a safe space, so I'm just going to lay it all out there. So here goes...
I was raised in a hardline CofC. My mother was also. My father was raised Baptist, but didn't go to church at all until he retired. Then he began going with us every Sunday morning only. Almost 20 years later, he still attends Sunday morning, but has never "converted" to CofC. That said, even though my mother was very devout, not having a "Chritian" father left me and my siblings feeling a bit outcast. Of course, it was drilled into me that if my dad didn't convert to CofC, he would be going to Hell. I remember many nights crying as a kid because of this. Sidenote: my dad, of course, is not perfect. But he has always been such a good example and excellent father.
I married at 18, only six months after I met my "soulmate." We were introduced through very old (CofC) friends of my parents. He was a 19 year old aspiring preacher. My mom believed the whole thing was providence of God. However, he was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive to me. Of course, in CofC, that is not grounds for divorce. After 3 years of marriage, when our son was seven months old, he traveled back to his home state for a job interview (ironically, he gave up on preaching shortly after we married.) The next day, he informed me via email that he had had three affairs in our marriage and wasn't coming back. In our divorce, our custody arrangement was that at 18 months old, our son would have to start traveling halfway across the country to visit his dad. He quickly decided he couldn't afford child support and wanted to relinquish his rights. I was told by my lawyer that wasn't possible unless there was someone to legally take his place.
In hindsight, I think my subconscious fear of what he might do to my son if he were granted visitation contributed to rather quickly marrying a (also CofC) guy I had known for half my life. I was extremely close to his grandparents. His grandmother made it no secret that she thought we should get together. She passed away unexpectedly when my son was 15 months old, and after that we began dating. We were married a year later and he adopted my son. He was a workaholic, very narcissistic and also emotionally abusive... even physically abused my son on more than one occasion. Again, these things aren't grounds for divorce in CofC and also not something people talked about. Outside of my sister, no one knew anything. I actually found myself, on multiple occasions, wishing he would cheat on me so I would be "allowed" to divorce him. There were signs, but if he did, I never found out.
In the end, I was the one who cheated. I became very close with a coworker. It started because I recognized a purity in him and was determined to "bring him to Christ." I was quite caught off guard that a man could be good just because he was good, and not because he was trying to earn his way in to Heaven, if that makes sense. Our early conversations were really just Biblically based. However we just grew closer and closer. He would disagree with things and make me rethink what I had always been taught, but there was never any disrespect or condescending remarks. I fell completely in love with him. It came to a point where I told my husband about it. My expectation was really that he would divorce me and that would be it. However, he wanted to "work it out." After an initial week of being separated, I was too scared and overwhelmed to continue. I went to my husband at work, sobbing, and asked him to come home. I ended things with my coworker. I took an extended leave from work, then scheduled myself so we wouldn't see each other. My husband and I went to counseling. We visited other churches for months because the church we grew up in all knew about the affair and we were looking for a fresh start. He seemed ready to pretend like it never happened and move on. I felt so emotionally detached from him. We saw several counselors who all said the same thing... don't rush. Let time do its healing. All he did was try to rush. "How are you feeling about us?...Are we going to make it?...etc" became daily questions from him. After a few months, he boiled over. We got into a fight because we weren't progressing the way he would like. He called me a slut in front of our boys, I tried to shut myself into their room to get away from him and he kicked down the door. At five and eight, they were terrified. The next morning, I found my own apartment and we officially separated. He very quickly had divorced papers drafted and it was over.
I was flooded with CofC "support" from our old church, trying to tell me I needed to come back and repent in front of the whole congregation to be right with God again. And, you know, now I had to stay single for the rest of my life if I wanted any chance at Heaven. I didn't go back to repent, but continued going to church where I was more anonymous, mostly to appease my mother. I lost all of my "friends" from that church.
After we separated, I allowed myself to come into contact with my coworker again. He had been devastated but understood what I was trying to do. Long story short, almost 6 years later, we have two beautiful babies and are extremely happy together. I've been "disfellowshipped" from my old church. My mother even felt as though she had to find a new church because of my "disgrace." My own brother hardly speaks to me because I am "living in sin" both because of my divorce and because I'm not married now. I have only been to church a handful of times with my mother since all of that. I honestly felt like I was over all the guilt.
My boyfriend recently found a non-denominational church he wanted to try and has been a few times. We mostly work opposite days so we don't have to use daycare, but yesterday I was cancelled from work so I was able to join him for church. It was there that I realized how bitter and closed I am towards church. Their song about "all my life, God has been so good" was almost comical. I also had a moment where I realized CofC had engrained into me that, in my current state, God finds me unlovable...or at least unworthy of love. I was raised in such a judgemental environment, I can't wrap my head around the idea that a church would honestly not be judgemental. I've become very jaded towards, mostly men, in CofC. Both my husband's were truly awful people. My most recent ex is attending a new church, and since he was "innocent" in our divorce, he is pitied, supported, leads Bible studies...etc. My sister is married to a preacher and he is the laziest, most two-faced person I know. I don't consider myself an atheist, I definitely believe in a higher power. Possibly more of a deist. But there are things I miss about "church," like singing, having a reason to get dressed nice, dressing my kids up and hearing them sing their little songs, and having friends. I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and "feel" something. Anything but the bitterness and skepticism I felt yesterday. I don't know where to start.
I was raised in a hardline CofC. My mother was also. My father was raised Baptist, but didn't go to church at all until he retired. Then he began going with us every Sunday morning only. Almost 20 years later, he still attends Sunday morning, but has never "converted" to CofC. That said, even though my mother was very devout, not having a "Chritian" father left me and my siblings feeling a bit outcast. Of course, it was drilled into me that if my dad didn't convert to CofC, he would be going to Hell. I remember many nights crying as a kid because of this. Sidenote: my dad, of course, is not perfect. But he has always been such a good example and excellent father.
I married at 18, only six months after I met my "soulmate." We were introduced through very old (CofC) friends of my parents. He was a 19 year old aspiring preacher. My mom believed the whole thing was providence of God. However, he was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive to me. Of course, in CofC, that is not grounds for divorce. After 3 years of marriage, when our son was seven months old, he traveled back to his home state for a job interview (ironically, he gave up on preaching shortly after we married.) The next day, he informed me via email that he had had three affairs in our marriage and wasn't coming back. In our divorce, our custody arrangement was that at 18 months old, our son would have to start traveling halfway across the country to visit his dad. He quickly decided he couldn't afford child support and wanted to relinquish his rights. I was told by my lawyer that wasn't possible unless there was someone to legally take his place.
In hindsight, I think my subconscious fear of what he might do to my son if he were granted visitation contributed to rather quickly marrying a (also CofC) guy I had known for half my life. I was extremely close to his grandparents. His grandmother made it no secret that she thought we should get together. She passed away unexpectedly when my son was 15 months old, and after that we began dating. We were married a year later and he adopted my son. He was a workaholic, very narcissistic and also emotionally abusive... even physically abused my son on more than one occasion. Again, these things aren't grounds for divorce in CofC and also not something people talked about. Outside of my sister, no one knew anything. I actually found myself, on multiple occasions, wishing he would cheat on me so I would be "allowed" to divorce him. There were signs, but if he did, I never found out.
In the end, I was the one who cheated. I became very close with a coworker. It started because I recognized a purity in him and was determined to "bring him to Christ." I was quite caught off guard that a man could be good just because he was good, and not because he was trying to earn his way in to Heaven, if that makes sense. Our early conversations were really just Biblically based. However we just grew closer and closer. He would disagree with things and make me rethink what I had always been taught, but there was never any disrespect or condescending remarks. I fell completely in love with him. It came to a point where I told my husband about it. My expectation was really that he would divorce me and that would be it. However, he wanted to "work it out." After an initial week of being separated, I was too scared and overwhelmed to continue. I went to my husband at work, sobbing, and asked him to come home. I ended things with my coworker. I took an extended leave from work, then scheduled myself so we wouldn't see each other. My husband and I went to counseling. We visited other churches for months because the church we grew up in all knew about the affair and we were looking for a fresh start. He seemed ready to pretend like it never happened and move on. I felt so emotionally detached from him. We saw several counselors who all said the same thing... don't rush. Let time do its healing. All he did was try to rush. "How are you feeling about us?...Are we going to make it?...etc" became daily questions from him. After a few months, he boiled over. We got into a fight because we weren't progressing the way he would like. He called me a slut in front of our boys, I tried to shut myself into their room to get away from him and he kicked down the door. At five and eight, they were terrified. The next morning, I found my own apartment and we officially separated. He very quickly had divorced papers drafted and it was over.
I was flooded with CofC "support" from our old church, trying to tell me I needed to come back and repent in front of the whole congregation to be right with God again. And, you know, now I had to stay single for the rest of my life if I wanted any chance at Heaven. I didn't go back to repent, but continued going to church where I was more anonymous, mostly to appease my mother. I lost all of my "friends" from that church.
After we separated, I allowed myself to come into contact with my coworker again. He had been devastated but understood what I was trying to do. Long story short, almost 6 years later, we have two beautiful babies and are extremely happy together. I've been "disfellowshipped" from my old church. My mother even felt as though she had to find a new church because of my "disgrace." My own brother hardly speaks to me because I am "living in sin" both because of my divorce and because I'm not married now. I have only been to church a handful of times with my mother since all of that. I honestly felt like I was over all the guilt.
My boyfriend recently found a non-denominational church he wanted to try and has been a few times. We mostly work opposite days so we don't have to use daycare, but yesterday I was cancelled from work so I was able to join him for church. It was there that I realized how bitter and closed I am towards church. Their song about "all my life, God has been so good" was almost comical. I also had a moment where I realized CofC had engrained into me that, in my current state, God finds me unlovable...or at least unworthy of love. I was raised in such a judgemental environment, I can't wrap my head around the idea that a church would honestly not be judgemental. I've become very jaded towards, mostly men, in CofC. Both my husband's were truly awful people. My most recent ex is attending a new church, and since he was "innocent" in our divorce, he is pitied, supported, leads Bible studies...etc. My sister is married to a preacher and he is the laziest, most two-faced person I know. I don't consider myself an atheist, I definitely believe in a higher power. Possibly more of a deist. But there are things I miss about "church," like singing, having a reason to get dressed nice, dressing my kids up and hearing them sing their little songs, and having friends. I would like to go to church with my boyfriend and "feel" something. Anything but the bitterness and skepticism I felt yesterday. I don't know where to start.
Jesus and the Methodist Church make a nice couple and seem happy. The Church of Christ went off to some resort in Nevada and ended up a crack whore. Also, in all manuscripts of the bible regardless of language Roman's 16:16 went from churches of christ salute you to methodist churches salute you. Boy, now there's a miracle!