Hi

[M.I.A.]

I "left" the ICOC after divorcing my husband last year. Initially, I felt like I was in a dream state. It was incredibly lonely. I was angry because almost all who contacted me had an agenda that was further complicated by my ex wanting to get back together - a real wolf in sheep's clothing that one. Following that, I experienced tremendous growth in self worth and drive at work. I was truly authentic to myself and others. I was no longer the "outlier." I was no longer "on the fence." I felt I had chosen to leave. I felt life was just going to get better and better. I was free of judgment and optimistic about my future. I moved across the country and am starting over.

Yet, now I keep hearing the tapes of that last discussion with leadership..."Yes, I recognize I am going to hell if I divorce...." I never saw myself as the people-pleaser type and there I was trembling and pleading that they would not "kick me out." "We won't kick you out... I just don't see why you would want to be a part of something you don't agree with," leadership said. "Good point," I said. Today I wish they said, "We need diversity in our fellowship. We need you. We need balance. You have helped us by.... How can we help you in your relationship with God? All that other stuff doesn't matter so much..." Although I have strong conviction that it was right to "leave" and it was an unhealthy and abusive environment, I can't help but feel the deep sadness of losing "close" relationships...family that I had been with for close to 20 years. I am sad for them and myself. I don't know if I will ever find such close relationships again, let alone a spiritual relationship with my God.

[AtPeace]

I never found the deep and close church family relationships again (at least not so far), although there have been a handful of important relationships...and I found a far deeper and meaningful relationship with God. Doesn't mean that's the way it will be for you, but that's been my experience so far.

You're in a very tender place right now. I hope you're protecting yourself from outside sadness and trauma (i.e. heart-breaking stories on facebook, sad music) and instead giving yourself some tender loving care at this phase.

[GMan]

Welcome

[Grace]

Welcome, I think you will find comfort here. I too am just getting a divorce. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and divorce was my only option. I know that God understands even i some CoC members don't.

You can rebuild your relationship with God and find a healthy relationship for you.
Find a counselor, read books and Take care of yourself

[KLP]

Welcome and it sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders. Hopefully you have or can come to an objective understanding about ICOC. Speaking of which, the ICOC is a bit different from regular CofC. I will agree that it is very lonely when first leaving such an immersive and surrounding church environment. It is hard to come to grasp with why are old friends no longer friends, were they real fiends to begin with, they have to know I am not a bad person so why have they just dropped me like a hot potato(e)? These questions rattled around for a good while with me and I was often very angry. I hated seeing them in stores or around town and it would trigger all the memories and anger in me. It does get better, and I did eventually talk to someone for a couple months and he was very helpful with the depression and anger. Things did get better eventually and I even started to meet and talk with and hangout with neighbors.

Wish you well and hopefully things will be better soon. Spring time is here!

[agricola]

Hi M.I.A. -


This is a support discussion space for people who have left the CoC, rather than the ICOC. We don't have many people here who were in the International CoC (which was an offshoot from the CoC sometime in the 80's I believe). Somewhere I have heard that there is a support board for ICOC folks, but I'm afraid I don't have a link for that. I'll see if I can find it.

At any rate, the ICOC and the coc are a bit different especially in the degree of pervasive control via the 'discipling' system of the ICOC. Most coc's just aren't THAT organized! But at any rate, you are certainly welcome here for as long as you want.

This Welcome forum is mainly just for introductions and hellos - you may want to browse through the other forums on this site to find threads that interest you, or inform you, or entertain you - enjoy yourself!

Welcome,
agricola

[teresa]

Hi M.I.A.

Here is a link to the ICOC board. However, you are welcome on here as well.

http://www.reveal.org/