Hi
Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:15 pm
I "left" the ICOC after divorcing my husband last year. Initially, I felt like I was in a dream state. It was incredibly lonely. I was angry because almost all who contacted me had an agenda that was further complicated by my ex wanting to get back together - a real wolf in sheep's clothing that one. Following that, I experienced tremendous growth in self worth and drive at work. I was truly authentic to myself and others. I was no longer the "outlier." I was no longer "on the fence." I felt I had chosen to leave. I felt life was just going to get better and better. I was free of judgment and optimistic about my future. I moved across the country and am starting over.
Yet, now I keep hearing the tapes of that last discussion with leadership..."Yes, I recognize I am going to hell if I divorce...." I never saw myself as the people-pleaser type and there I was trembling and pleading that they would not "kick me out." "We won't kick you out... I just don't see why you would want to be a part of something you don't agree with," leadership said. "Good point," I said. Today I wish they said, "We need diversity in our fellowship. We need you. We need balance. You have helped us by.... How can we help you in your relationship with God? All that other stuff doesn't matter so much..." Although I have strong conviction that it was right to "leave" and it was an unhealthy and abusive environment, I can't help but feel the deep sadness of losing "close" relationships...family that I had been with for close to 20 years. I am sad for them and myself. I don't know if I will ever find such close relationships again, let alone a spiritual relationship with my God.
Yet, now I keep hearing the tapes of that last discussion with leadership..."Yes, I recognize I am going to hell if I divorce...." I never saw myself as the people-pleaser type and there I was trembling and pleading that they would not "kick me out." "We won't kick you out... I just don't see why you would want to be a part of something you don't agree with," leadership said. "Good point," I said. Today I wish they said, "We need diversity in our fellowship. We need you. We need balance. You have helped us by.... How can we help you in your relationship with God? All that other stuff doesn't matter so much..." Although I have strong conviction that it was right to "leave" and it was an unhealthy and abusive environment, I can't help but feel the deep sadness of losing "close" relationships...family that I had been with for close to 20 years. I am sad for them and myself. I don't know if I will ever find such close relationships again, let alone a spiritual relationship with my God.