Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

hi, i'm alex. i am about to reach the 2-year mark since leaving the church of christ. i know it was the right (and only) option for me, but sometimes i wish things could be different-- not in the sense that i want to go back, just that leaving completely turned my life upside down. i thought it might be good to connect w anyone who has gone thru this, too. how long will it take to feel peaceful after getting out?

Hi Alex and welcome to the board.

some people are easy about leaving within weeks. Others take years - or decades, even. I think (from experience) that working out your differences and understanding about leaving EARLIER rather than later, will get you where you want to be a lot sooner than simply putting a lid on it and refusing to think about it.

Generally, my own first advice to 'newly out' folks, is that they should educate themselves more about what NORMAL TRADITIONAL Christianity actually teaches, because - seriously - what gets taught in most CoC's is not - quite - accurate.

It may even help to look at what entirely different religious teach, also. It gives some useful perspective.

A lot of people leave a CoC and discover they not only lose a 'church family' but lose friends and regular family members too. That can be very rough.

Welcome, Alex!! It's different for everyone, depending on the many different factors. Just be patient with yourself. I'd say I'm still recovering, decades later, but it may not take that long for you. Therapy can be really helpful. If you started going as an infant, which I did, it can seem to be deeply embedded into your DNA.

thank you both for your responses. those are all really helpful things to hear.
re: agricola. that is really helpful advice. i have ended up in that pursuit of education in differing religions recently and it has shown me even more that what i was taught is really not normal. (it's so strange that it once seemed normal, right?) but yes, the loss of family in each meaning of that word has been the most difficult part, by far. in many ways it is like holding on to those relationships can keep you tied to the religion even after getting out.
re: ivy. i am newly in therapy and already completely agree. i started going to the church when i was very young as well, and that is exactly what it feels like. realizing how deeply embedded the beliefs are even after realizing they are not your own can feel so overwhelming. it is a long process of unlearning.
wishing you both the most peace in your continued recovery from the painful experience of living within and then leaving this religion.

earlgrey wrote: ↑Tue Feb 08, 2022 5:09 pm thank you both for your responses. those are all really helpful things to hear.
re: agricola. that is really helpful advice. i have ended up in that pursuit of education in differing religions recently and it has shown me even more that what i was taught is really not normal. (it's so strange that it once seemed normal, right?) but yes, the loss of family in each meaning of that word has been the most difficult part, by far. in many ways it is like holding on to those relationships can keep you tied to the religion even after getting out.
re: ivy. i am newly in therapy and already completely agree. i started going to the church when i was very young as well, and that is exactly what it feels like. realizing how deeply embedded the beliefs are even after realizing they are not your own can feel so overwhelming. it is a long process of unlearning.
wishing you both the most peace in your continued recovery from the painful experience of living within and then leaving this religion.

You are very welcome!! It's really been helpful to me to connect with others who had that same, very unique experience...with some minor differences, of course, in different congregations. Yes, a lot of it was abnormal. The relationships lost or forever damaged...YES!! So painful, and that's one of the many losses we must grieve. Good for you, being in therapy. It will help you start to identify and root out those toxic beliefs. It does feel like it's embedded!! Think about it...you're attending church with your mom and dad, or other family members, feeling all warm and cozy in a pew. You're preverbal, so it just goes into your little brain unfiltered. Then as your brain develops, you're getting it three times a week and at home with the family -- depending on how bought into it they are. Makes me wonder about epigenetics / genetic imprinting connected with intensive religious indoctrination. I sincerely believe it is entwined with my DNA...although I am so much better now.

earlgrey,

Welcome here. My perspective is a "ditto" to what Ivy and agricola have said. I would add, however, that I view leaving the CofC as a permanent trauma which one by necessity learns to live with. I don't know if I'd compare it to loss of a child or spouse or getting through an addiction or something like that, HOWEVER, it is something that leaves a permanent scar of some kind. It's bleakness reemerges and must be dealt with as time goes by. But like an old romance perhaps, it's something you'll have remnants of, some remnants you'll be able to find thankfulness for, others not.

I would simply recommend, if a concept of God is still in your contemplation, a focus on the fact that God can do whatever He wants whenever He wants. That includes saving whoever He wants whenever He wants and under whatever circumstances He so chooses. In other words, He's not "boxable", can't be placed in a box. And although "unboxable" is not used in scripture, it says just that in other words, esp in the Old Testament, i.e., He is the one and only SOVEREIGN God. He drives his own choices, not man. And in His sovereignty He can be seen as acting in your life and perhaps one day you will look back and see that He brought you out into the light. That would mean revealing things to you directly, as much as the CofC would dispute that, trying to keep Him in a box of impotence.

Welcome. Even though I have been out for nearly 40 years, there are things I miss. I had a groups of friends that were close, and I haven’t found that anywhere else. It wasn’t real friendship, since it was dependent on me staying in line with COC teachings. But I still miss those days.