Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

Hello,

I was on this board a few years ago and now find a need for support again. I was raised in a hard-line CofC and left many years ago. My parents were heartbroken. My sister married an abusive preacher and angrily "withdrew" from me 25 years ago. She stated that she could not have a relationship with me if I would not study with her. Her husband isolated her from the family, and it seemed convenient that he could use his doctrine to keep her from me. He died 2 years ago. Now my sister has a serious illness. She will respond to my emails with facts about her illness, but never shows interest in my life or invites any closeness. I am struggling with sadness and worry that she will die one day before any reconciliation is made.

When my mother was on her death bed in 2005, my preacher cousin promised her that he would "never give up" on me. This cousin is severely obsessive-compulsive and has kept his promise by periodically calling me and trying to sneak some fear-based admonitions into the conversation. Recently he called me and went on about how no one knows how much time we have. He is intent on repairing the relationship between my sister and me. I confronted him about his goal to bring me back into the CofC, and I let him know (again) that that will never happen. This time, after hanging up, I started to feel angry, and I emailed him and told him to never talk to me about religion again. When I was a child, I idolized this cousin. After realizing a few years ago that he truly has a mental illness, I have felt compassion for him. However, I have reached my limit and am not willing to be abused, unjustly criticized, and talked down to any more. Looking back, I wish I had reached my limit a long time ago.

My faith in God is strong in spite of my childhood. I am entering a grieving period and realizing that I need to finally let go of those people in my life who are unhealthy for me. I think I have avoided this because I had so many other losses to focus on through the years. I am thankful that my children were not raised in the CofC! I would appreciate any supportive comments.

Welcome back to the board. I am sorry that you are going through things that are robbing you of your peace. As for your relationship with your sister, it sounds like you have done all that is reasonable for you to do on your end. Should she die without reconciling with you, that is on her. You have made multiple attempts; you can't make her do anything she chooses not to do. I know it is probably excruciatingly painful for you, but it is in your best interest to accept that she chooses not to reconcile with you and move on with your life and healing.

I am grieving with you and would be doing the same thing as you in your situation. Seems like you have really tried to remain open, but there's really nothing you can do when others condition their love for you on your believing what they demand you to believe.

You have lost your mother, your sister, and your cousin, albeit in different ways. I am sorry and I hope pleasant memories of the distant past can comfort you, while you can let go of the recent painful memories and experiences.

It is the sickness of their COC doctrine that separates you from your sister and cousin. You have tried, and they are not responding. I fear it is time to give up hope for any reconciliation. Nothing can replace your relationship with a sister, but this is her choice, not yours.

I hope you can find peace.