Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

I am at my wits end… I left the COC years ago. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I spent my entire childhood and youth jumping between my COC dad and my southern Baptist mother. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to say my prayers, because I had fallen asleep before I asked for forgiveness of my sins and I didn’t want to go to hell if I didn’t wake up the next morning. My mom would tell me to lie about going to church with her and my dad would constantly tell me why my mother was wrong. Basically, I saw both extremes of legalism (my dad) and carelessness (mom). I moved away from home and struggled… going to some COC churches and some non-denominational/baptist… but it was not until my husband came to know the Lord and lead our family that I was able to truly reject the false doctrines. Both parents’ ideologies didn’t sit well with me. As I began to study the Bible for myself and listen to preaching that was expository I realized that I had reformed leanings. I have two children and we love our church that is filled with imperfect, but loving people. Our music is done intentionally with songs chosen that elevate Christ and not ourselves. Our worship leader reads scripture between songs to highlight why we sing praises. Our preacher is sound, always tying everything to the Gospel and taking text in context instead of self-help.

My dad is always asking us to try the COC in our town and once told me he didn’t want his grandchildren to go to hell because I took them a church with musical instruments. He will be respectful and not argue when he talks to my husband about it, but he becomes authoritative when he talks to me alone. I am so tired… I want to be able to have my dad be joyful that we love the Lord and go to church and are raising our children in a loving Christian home. But he feels that we must be converted and won’t go to church with us at all. He went to my kid’s Christian school where our preacher did a small sermon for grandparents day (they ask local pastors to do things like that sometimes) and my dad said he was a “good speaker” but that his prayer sounded rehearsed and that the school allowed a woman to bless the food when there were plenty of men in the room to do it. Nothing is ever enough for this man. Unless I fall perfectly in line with what he expects and wants he absolutely will always be displeased. He doesn’t hear a word I say and I always feel it has something to do with me being female. I need to clarify that I do not believe in women preachers, but I also don’t think God intended for women to be completely silent in their homes and around their loved ones, never having opinions or understanding scriptures. I want so much for my dad to be proud of me and to share the joy I have in Christ with him. But he is a part of such a ritualistic sect of the COC that I don’t think he will ever change. The hardest part for me growing up was seeing how completely ritualistic he was on Sundays, and how completely different his life was the rest of the time. Pulling out of the parking lot of church blasting AC/DC but completely against instruments in service… remaining unmarried, but having multiple girlfriends at any given time… drinking when it was convenient for him but condescending when it wasn’t (I don’t drink, but it always frustrated me that he was so double minded). So strict, but never joyful or restful. What an awful way to live. I don’t even know what I am looking for in this group… I just don’t know what to do anymore. I will never return to the COC, so I am coming to the realization that this will be a struggle always.

Thank you for sharing your story here. You will find great support here, I think. I personally am still a Christian, others here are not. And I note that you are more reformed in your theology, and I am too.

You know, these CofC people like your Dad have simply had a very judgmental concept of Christianity, an "exclusivity", instilled in them from childhood, or otherwise identify with the CofC because it is a great match for their own judgmental mindset. And it is really a downer and a great sadness to watch these people basically flounder, you can just see their lives are not free, they just keep themselves in bondage. I hope he will change because of you, but yes, I agree with you it will always be a struggle.

Hope you will find great support and solace here.

Hi Reformed

Welcome to the Board! That is a really rough situation to be in. I am surprised that your father objects to musical instruments, but not to the fact that you are attending (what a traditional CoC person would see as) a denomination.

I remember when I first started understanding God's grace in saving us, I was really upset, because I realized I no longer felt saved. After being in the CoC just a year or two, I had come to depend on the fact that I was baptized "correctly" and worshiping "correctly", whereas previously I had been trusting in the love of God. If the CoC could do that to me in just a year or two, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for someone who has been in the CoC as many years as your Dad.

It's really sad, but you might need to draw a firm boundary about what you are willing to talk about with him.

Welcome to the ex-board -
I have to agree with the last poster - you may need to have a frank discussion with your Dad about what topics you will and will not discuss with him. And simply tell him that, if he continues to bring up the topics you have defined as 'no-go' topics, you will walk out.
and do it.

Do not argue, do not explain - really - both arguing and explaining gives him HOPE THAT YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND. It is exhausting and pointless. Refuse to engage at all. Tell him you will not discuss it with him, that you are happy and satisfied that your religious journey - for yourself and your children - is a good one, and if he keeps bringing it up, you are leaving.

and follow through.

Leave.

don't argue, don't explain, don't equivocate - just go.

Sorry.

It might help to write your thoughts down ahead of time. You know exactly what he's going to bring up, right?