Leaving after the final chastising

[LeeLeeLoves]

Born and raised in the CoC. Growing it up it was great and wonderful growing up and as I got older all that euphoria faded away. Something had changed. I'm not sure what it was. Perhaps it was college. I took courses in the old and new testaments and when sharing this wonderful information I was learning, I was yelled at and told I was somehow wrong. My church had the same minister up until this week (that part will be coming) and at first he was great and then it became the old repetitive thing. And on my own I discovered the nag hammadi and discovered all these things I've never would've known. And the more I learned of it, the more I found myself straying away from the church. Then the onset of depression and anxiety had hit me and I didn't like being around crowds period and being at church was even worse. I just kept getting this awful feeling being there. So I stopped going all together. I used my mental illness as an excuse and it worked, at least for my family but it didn't stop the shit talking at church, especially from my now ex best friend and awful sister in law. Well the former minister recently was forced to resign for trying to sale part of the unused land of the church without permission. Tried to make someone an elder without the leadership's okay, the church was going broke trying to pay off his debts, my own grandfather gave him money and from what I've been told, that's not even the half. I get treated so badly by my family telling I don't have a spiritual life because I don't go to church and I'm so tired of hearing it. I want so badly to leave my parents house but I have nothing financially to help me do that. It's just too much. And just as I felt like I was making a rebound from my depression, I feel it coming back on again. I'm feeling lost and so hurt and really needing some support from people who understand. I feel like I'm falling apart all over again.

[LeeLeeLoves]

I can really words of support and guidance right now because I am really feeling hurt and lost

[agricola]

Welcome to the ex board. I hope you take the time to read over some of the other discussions - I think you'll find some familiar stories: you are not alone.

[LeeLeeLoves]

Thanks so much! I will do just that!! Thank you so much

[KLP]

Welcome. Sounds like you need to work on the depression part regardless of what you do about church. Maybe that means seeking help. Hopefully the Spring and soon Summer weather will bring more sunshine and happiness to your life. Maybe talk a walk or wiggle your toes in the grass, something every day by yourself or alone on a walk. Maybe with a loving dog. Maybe getting into a good rhythm, with good sleep and exercise will help your attitude and slowly strengthen you to accomplish other goals. So set some small goal and reward yourself and feel good about yourself for accomplishing it. Personally I would lay off all the scholarly research and reading and looking for the hidden truths. And whacko control freaks are ever present in any small human organization be it a beading group or a church. Try to stop replaying in your mind the whack hurtful things that the preacher and friends have done and what you should have done or what might have happened to them. Get your mind off of that junk, at least until you are stronger.

Figure out your talk track and figure out what the people in church/family are likely to say to you and stick to your talk track. Do not engage in arguments or try to explain or convince these people...that is wasted energy that will turn negative. Stay to your talking point....like "how about that weather? or God loves me and even the one lost sheep has incalculable value. Just keep it positive and light....stick to the weather "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" or "In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen".

Again, welcome, and hopefully things will turn for the positive soon.

[ena]

I want so badly to leave my parents house but I have nothing financially to help me do that. It's just too much. And just as I felt like I was making a rebound from my depression, I feel it coming back on again. I'm feeling lost and so hurt and really needing some support from people who understand. I feel like I'm falling apart all over again.

All I can say is ask God for a way out. He can open doors that make this possible. I'm sorry you are going though this but sometimes it is necessary for personal growth. You will understand once you are out. Anxiety and depression are common for legalistic religions. The point is: Did this come from God? Or does this come from man speaking like he is the voice of God. Look behind the curtain.

[LeeLeeLoves]

Thank you for your replies. My depression had been in remission and life had been going great up until the past month. The minister of my former church as I said was dismissed for many things and that has caused a rift to where I lost my best childhood friend over miscommunication and being so far into the CoC that I can no longer deal with her judgmental ways. She actually tattletale to my mom for an argument I got into with her sister in law for calling me out publicly for not going to church and so I privately messaged her because I felt it would be rude to tell her to stfu publicly. Then today I get the news I cannot go back to school for six months. I have no job and no resources. Any that I could get comes with the stipulation of going to church and I do not want to be anywhere near there. Along with the depression I have generalized and social anxiety. I'm on three different medications for it and I do try to place myself in slowly into social situations. I'm apart of a Gay Pride group in my hometown and I did participate in a function we had last week and I did well. After a couple of hours I was ready to go but I did it. I'm struggling with so much right now. I do have the Nag Hammadi downloaded on my iPad and reading that always gives me comfort. This is not the first train wreck of my life and I'll pull through and being here I know I'm not alone

[LeeLeeLoves]

I see anxiety and depression as a medical condition that can be brought on by genetics, environment and in my case it's a combination of both.

[ena]

I see anxiety and depression as a medical condition that can be brought on by genetics, environment and in my case it's a combination of both.

You are not alone here. Part of the problem is the constant repetition. You are growing in knowledge. This can be threatening to those trying to make a living off of a repetitious message yielding no growth. There is much outside the pages of the Bible.

The feeling of hopelessness caused by the people around you can be depressing and cause anxiety. This can be quite normal. I personally found that the beliefs instilled in me from an early age were so ingrained in me that I became my own worst enemy. I found out that I can be no more or less than human. Very frustrating when you are trying to perfect. The bottom line is no one can. There are many examples of people trying to be more than human and examples of people that feel they are less than human. You can be neither unless you are a machine.

The nag hammadi library is translated but much is of gnostic origin. Take care because some of it is imaginary. The gnostics were probably wiped out in the 4th century as Christianity became legal under Constantine. They were considered heretics by the powers that became the Church. While I know of no examples of the massacre; the evidence of books buried in clay jars speaks to this probability. You are dealing with people you cannot question to find out exactly the scope that they meant. This goes for Paul or the apostles too. There are other works translated. Google: The Gospel of Peter. You get a giant Jesus and a talking cross. Probably rejected because it is a little over the top. The rest dovetails nicely into the stories you are familiar with.

Medications can help you and hurt you. I had trouble with Prozac. While I felt great it removed my conscience. As a result I was not sensitive to the reactions of other people. Take care. The problem is doctors do not see your behavior directly so they can adjust the dose. Currently I don't do any thing for depression. I do understand what is experienced. It took totally leaving the CoC mindset for me as well as staying away from that sect. I am not saying it will work for you. But it can be done.

[Moogy]

Welcome to our board! I also lost good friends when I left the COC. If they are true believers, they have to shun those who leave. And it can be scary for them to talk to you or me about COC beliefs, because they don't want to develop doubts of their own. Tough living with family when you are going through this. Keep strong.