Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

Glad this board exists...I've been trying to figure out where I could talk about this.

First, some background. I'm a CoC PK, grew up in the southeast, graduated from Harding. We weren't ultra-conservative, but definitely not liberal / progressive either. As a kid, I wasn't allowed to wear pants on Sunday morning unless there was snow on the ground -- but Sunday night, Wednesday night, and the rest of the week were fine.

After college, I landed in San Diego. When I first got here, I didn't have a car or driver's license, so I went to a congregation I could get to by public transit without too much difficulty. Within a year, I had both a license and a vehicle -- thanks in part to the young adult minister from that church -- and kept attending there. There were some problems, but nothing insurmountable.

After about 7 years, I had moved across the county, so I now had a 20-30 minute drive to church on Sundays. I had been part of the team teaching the preschoolers on Wednesday nights, but after one of my co-teachers took offense when I put a disruptive child in a time out (it was a little more complicated than that, but that'll do as a summary), I was asked to step down -- and I was mortified. If I turned up in the regular Wednesday classes after not being there for so long, people were going to ask why...I couldn't really explain without feeling like a gossip, or like I was asking people to take sides...it was just a really uncomfortable position to be in.

Around this time, we had a guest speaker on a Sunday night whom I rather enjoyed. He was preaching at a church much closer to where I was living, and after splitting my time for a while, I ended up switching to that congregation. Which, as it turns out, was non-institutional, but at the time, not as conservative as many churches in that movement -- or at least, not as obviously so. In fact, around this time, my dad had retired, and my parents were attending a nominally-mainstream congregation in the small NC town where they live now, which was far more conservative, and which eventually asked them to leave, over a disagreement regarding divorce and remarriage. At this church, I ended up running the resource room (library), which turned into the spot all the little kids would hang out, playing with Duplos and watching VeggieTales or the like, while their parents socialized after service. I loved doing that, and was functionally a deacon, but without the title, which I was OK with. (I don't really see a compelling reason the title should be restricted, but it's not about titles, y'know?)

After a few years, the aforementioned preacher had what I can best summarize as the worst midlife crisis ever, and ended up leaving the congregation and his family in a very messy and painful manner for all concerned. His replacement, who had originally been brought in as a second minister, was much more conservative, and also had more of a marketing background than a scholarly one...and that's when things started getting rough for me there. We never got along, and he brought out some of the worst tendencies in the congregation, including a focus on looking good to the outside world over actually resolving conflicts. After feeling increasingly alienated over some time, I left that congregation. I nearly left the CoC altogether at that point, but decided to give my previous congregation one more chance. That was about two years ago.

It's still a good church, but I've been having a hard time feeling connected. In the time I was away, I developed some health problems that make it hard for me to participate in some of the ways I have in the past. They have a church librarian who's been doing it for years, and the library isn't really the kind of gathering spot it was at my previous church anyway. I can't keep up with the little ones to teach. Partly because of health, and partly because I"m feeling so unplugged, I've been having a hard time making it to Sunday morning worship.

Instead, the past few week, I've been visiting a Disciples of Christ congregation. It's a lot closer to home, worship starts 30 min later, and most importantly, I'm actually feeling fed spiritually, more than I have in a long time. I dramatically overslept Sunday a week ago, and really missed being there -- something I haven't been feeling at the CoC I've been attending -- I'm still going on Wednesday nights, because I do like the preacher, and we're in the middle of a fairly interesting class series, and the DoC church doesn't do a midweek service anyway -- but it's feeding my head, not my heart.

The DoC experience has been interesting -- it's a lot more open and progressive socially, lots of women in leadership, a small choir and instrumental accompaniment, but not an overmiked band drowning out the singing, or church-as-performance -- people sing, participate, are engaged. It's a more liturgical service than the CoC, but I'm kind of liking that, too.

I think this Disciples church is where I need to be right now, though I'll probably keep going to the CoC on Wednesday nights, at least for a while.

I just don't know how my family will take it when I tell them. My dad already defriended me on FB over politics -- SSM / NC amendment 1, specifically. If I tell him I'm going to a church where the Mother's Day guest speaker was a woman _in_ a SSM, and the regular preacher is also female, he's not going to take it well. Even just instrumental music + choir + leavened bread for communion is probably more than he'd accept. I'm 3rd gen CoC on his side of the family and I think 4th on Mom's, though one of my uncles and his family switched to a Baptist (IIRC) church years ago, and my generation is a little more mixed -- but except for my brother, the rest aren't PKs, and that makes a difference in the dynamic.

Reply to cathym. While therapists are aware of conservative cults there are few who know the specific details of the CoC. Even finding a good one is difficult enough. Sexual restriction can be found in many places in the CoC. Females really get targeted. The books that were chosen to be part of the Bible were chosen by men. Other works that promote females were not chosen even though some churches considered them scripture. A good example is "The Acts of Paul and Thecla." a probable forgery. She was a virgin and her story even rivals Mary. She even taught men. Link supplied.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thecla

I doubt a time out will harm a child. There are those that will insert themselves in situations like this.

The CoC needs to quit passing judgement on marriage and divorce. There are to many details and things that it is impossible. If a man and woman decide not to stay together. So be it. It is impossible to judge from the outside and get right. May the best liar win. That is the problem. They sometimes do.

Typical problem even in mainstream. Stress has effects on your body. Minimize it the best way you can. It's a killer. I no longer have stresses from CoC tiny thinking.

Good luck with your parents. Generations do change. My wife's parents were 10+ years older than my own. Dealing with them was like dealing with my grandparents. It does not take very long.

Welcome, Cathy -
I gather from the last part of your post that you have moved back across the country to NC?
Anyway -
I think you are probably old enough by now that you can make your own decisions about your spiritual life, and your parents don't have the final say. I do understand that you don't want to deliberately create a further separation between yourself and your parents. Yes, you probably do need to tell them something, but you don't have to tell them everything in the world, either.

Some people have had rough 'coming out' experiences (as in 'coming out not coc') with family but others have been pleasantly surprised (or at least, there was not as much drama as they expected). I can't tell, of course, what your own family might do or say (although unfriending you on facebook isn't a very good sign, alas).

What most of us here generally advise is that, when dealing with family, do NOT get drawn into lengthy discussion/arguments about doctrines, theology or other divisive topics. Coc-members generally go into such things with the position that the coc is automatically right, no matter what, and anything any other denomination does/says/believes is therefore automatically wrong. You will get nowhere with such discussions, except create anger on every side.

So - if and when you tell them something (and if this is not a large town you are in, they will hear something probably before you think they will, right?) then the bare minimum will suffice (as in, I am now attending X and I like it very well) and GO NO FURTHER. When the coc-family member tries to argue about it or challenge you, change the subject. Continue to deflect and change the subject, and if need be, leave. Be polite but firm: your decisions concerning your spiritual life are not up for discussion.

Anyway, welcome to the ex-board and feel free to browse around and read any old threads you want. We are a very diverse group.

You have come to the right place. Welcome

I went from CoC to DoC where I have been (mostly) happily ensconced ever since. I'm a very irregular attender at this point, merely because I don't like giving up that part of my Sunday. But I have always and still do love, love, love every single sermon...it is an enlightening learning experience every single time, even after all these years. Love the liturgical and seasonal aspect of moving through the Christianity experience (although it took me awhile to figure it out).

I'm a PK, too, and my parents aren't happy about where I landed, but we simply focus on the things we have in common, which are plenty. They respect and see that I am very close to God, and I know they can't help but worry about my soul. I understand how they think. We're very close, and all I can suggest is that you just focus on what you have in common with your parents and not talk about the uncomfortable-to-them parts of your spiritual life (i.e. women in leadership). There's really no point in stirring things up with them if you don't have to.

Welcome to our Board. We are glad to have you. Parents can be difficult, but you don't have to tell them everything, as others here have said. I am a bit surprised you have not gotten any flack from the COC that you attend on Wednesdays. My old churches would have harassed me about my absence on Sunday morning, and if they had known someone was going to the DOC, they would really have had a fit.

Feel free to share your thoughts with us. There are some board members who are still attending a COC, others who left a long time ago. Some have settled into another church, others into no church, some into different religions, and some into no religion.

I went to DoC too. I figured it was a fair compromise with my wife, who wasn't as easy to drag out of the COC as I might've hoped. I tried the liturgical side, and it was OK, but I mainly stuck with the contemporary worship service. I'll be honest--I chose that one because the music was darn near perfect. The worship leaders were all professional musicians and the band leader actually had two hits on the Billboard Hot 100 back in the late 80s/early 90s. But, eventually, I couldn't even stick with that. Religion just stopped making sense to me altogether a year or two ago, and I'm church and religion free at this point.

I do have some great takeaways from the DoC, though. The best pastors that I know were a couple that I met there. They were both associate pastors at that congregation and moved on to senior pastor positions in another state, one at a DoC and the other at a United Church of Christ. They were sweet, accepting of literally everyone, and they were genuine. And they never judged. Even just a couple of weeks ago, one of them sent me a message, and I confessed to them that I no longer believed, and they actually blessed that and said that they were thankful that I was still on a journey, no matter where it led.

Anyway... welcome to the boards.

Welcome, thanks for sharing

Welcome and best of luck to you. My daughter landed in the Disciples of Christ when she made her way out of cofC. It's a pretty good fit for her for the most part.

Sorry for not responding sooner - I was having some really odd technical issues with the site yesterday!

To agricola -- I'm still in CA, but I have a lot of friends in NC still -- I was there from 1985-1994, and summers through 1998 -- and I was reposting some of the anti-Amendment 1 material some of them were posting.

Yes, I'm more than old enough to make my own decisions, and one of those is that I don't want to hurt people, including my family, more than necessary. My parents have visited me and know some of the people at the CoC I've been attending as a result, so they'll bring up related topics in conversation sometimes, like you do with any mutual acquaintance. So eventually, I will have to tell them something.

I'm in a large city, my parents are in a small town, but the world is a small place, especially in the church.

To ena -- Thankfully, my CoC experience was not as abusive or traumatic as that of some people. The churches I've attended have not been cultish, IMO. There were moments toward the end at the NI church I was attending, but I wasn't falling for it; I left. The divorce issue that got my parents kicked out of the church in their town was one of the really dumb ones -- whether a person who had been divorced and remarried before becoming a Christian needed to end that second (allegedly adulterous) marriage to become a Christian. Dad said no, the preacher said yes, Dad wouldn't take it back, they got kicked out.

To Moogy -- my current CoC is a pretty good one. Not quite what you'd call a progressive church -- still no women serving communion, etc. -- but one that might become one in a few more years when some of the older members have died. One of the things I _don't_ like, though, is that no one really checks in if I miss a Sunday...or five. I'll get some "We've missed you!"s when I turn up again, but no one checks to see if I'm sick, or traveling, or just missing. Especially as a PK, that m kes me feel pretty disconnected.

To GuitarHero -- the DoC congregation I'm attending is relatively small, so there's only the one service. It's kind of a hybrid, liturgical, but casual too. There's a small choir (which I might end up joining), a piano, and sometimes a guitar. I like it; it doesn't overwhelm the singing, but having it does add to the experience, and having the piano playing quietly during communion or the offering makes a nice focus, more so than silence or trying to sing.

To all -- thanks for the welcomes!