Family Life

[margin overa]

Speaking of family life, I came from a funeral today and heard the daughter of a deacon where I used to attend, broke up a marriage and is planning to marry the guy. No one's batting an eye. Double standards for the higher-ups I guess.

Anyway, I finally fixed the wagons of those uppities who thought one cannot have a fulfilling life being single and child free. I'd look them in the eye, smile, and say, "Jesus was both."

Perfect answer (except he probably was....I wonder - was she dead? Or did she like him better when he was wandering around in the hills?)

Or was she a victim of first-century gender bias wars, like Junia? Or maybe you're right - maybe he was easier to deal with when off with the boys on a variety of Iron John weekends.

[Struggler]

I can so identify with this thread. In the C of C's eyes, you're not a complete person or an adult until you are married. They talk to you and treat you as if you are incapable of anything. I bought the home in which I currently live several years ago, and one day, I got a lengthy message from a lady at church, trying to get me to rent one of the properties she owned. She made a comment that her properties are better than whatever it is you're renting. I returned the call and informed her that I owned my residence. She said she just assumed I rented because I wasn't married. Apparently, she told others because someone at the church asked why it wasn't announced when I bought the place. My response was that it had nothing to do with church. At the same church, another woman would regularly ask me why I wasn't married, and often ask in front of others. One day, I asked why it was important for her to know that. She acted all offended and some of the others gave me dirty looks for firing back. But she never asked me again.

At the previous church, the man in charge of our weekly services at a retirement home called me almost every week to help him. Church was big enough where you were down to go once every three months. Yet, this man would call me anytime he needed a fill-in, and would often say that since I didn't have a family, he thought I might be able to help. Often, the calls were last-minute. Once, I explained that I had a family event to attend that day, and he actually had the nerve to suggest I "do that later," because he really needed me there. I told him no.

The old biddies always tried to promote someone at church who simply wasn't my type. I was told to talk to one girl at the church I attended in college. After 30 minutes of conversation, I realized we had one thing in common: we attended the same church. The older folks said that was a major start. No, it wasn't.

My relatives were as bad. Constantly, they'd remind me I wasn't married. Two of them could not believe I ever prepared a meal. They repeatedly told me and others that I ate "hamburgers and french fries all the time." Not true.

I guess they have no lives.

[Tsathoggua]

Oh, I have a great story about my mom to share! This happened at the Crieve Hall congregation in Nashville, TN, in the 1980s, when I was in my twenties, still living at home, and hardly ever dating at all. One time at church, one of the "biddies" approached her (I didn't attend this service, she told me about it later) and asked -- "Hey, does your son... like girls?" Now, my mother knew that I was a bit "off-kilter" sexually (I am a paraphiliac with a very specific fetish for superheroine-knockout scenes) and didn't really care too much, so she simply replied, "Well, I have seen his 'stash', so I know that he is, at least theoretically, attracted to girls. But I don't think that he likes them at all!" Well, the church lady was speechless. Later on that week, Mom told me that story, and we both had a really good laugh. Ah, fun memories!

[margin overa]

Oh, I have a great story about my mom to share! This happened at the Crieve Hall congregation in Nashville, TN, in the 1980s, when I was in my twenties, still living at home, and hardly ever dating at all. One time at church, one of the "biddies" approached her (I didn't attend this service, she told me about it later) and asked -- "Hey, does your son... like girls?" Now, my mother knew that I was a bit "off-kilter" sexually (I am a paraphiliac with a very specific fetish for superheroine-knockout scenes) and didn't really care too much, so she simply replied, "Well, I have seen his 'stash', so I know that he is, at least theoretically, attracted to girls. But I don't think that he likes them at all!" Well, the church lady was speechless. Later on that week, Mom told me that story, and we both had a really good laugh. Ah, fun memories!

Your mom sounds like a cool lady! Nice way to put the lid on the biddy, too.

[Tsathoggua]

Oh, I have a great story about my mom to share! This happened at the Crieve Hall congregation in Nashville, TN, in the 1980s, when I was in my twenties, still living at home, and hardly ever dating at all. One time at church, one of the "biddies" approached her (I didn't attend this service, she told me about it later) and asked -- "Hey, does your son... like girls?" Now, my mother knew that I was a bit "off-kilter" sexually (I am a paraphiliac with a very specific fetish for superheroine-knockout scenes) and didn't really care too much, so she simply replied, "Well, I have seen his 'stash', so I know that he is, at least theoretically, attracted to girls. But I don't think that he likes them at all!" Well, the church lady was speechless. Later on that week, Mom told me that story, and we both had a really good laugh. Ah, fun memories!

Your mom sounds like a cool lady! Nice way to put the lid on the biddy, too.

She really was! She died in December 2000. We did have a very good time together!

But back to being single in a very family-oriented congregation -- Crieve Hall is a big one, with over a thousand members, and has a "singles program". I did go to various get-togethers specifically-designed for singles during my 20s (much less so in my 30s. I am 54, now). The people were nice enough, but I enjoyed palling around with my comic book / science fiction crowd a lot more. Not that I palled around with anybody that much, being an introvert an' all that...

[margin overa]

My own experience was that my extended family didn't really take me seriously as an adult until my wife and I had our first child. The parental unit in particular behaved as if we were just playing house until son number one came along a few years after our wedding. We held off having children until we'd both finished advanced degrees and had decent jobs in hand, but the entire time we were doing those things, my family kept asking, "What are you waiting for? Time's a-wastin'! You might as well get started, 'cause there's no good time to have a child." While that's true in some ways, I truly think our decision was best for us. We avoided some of the financial and logistical stresses and strains that I saw with my cousins who married very young and started having children very young, and who picked up career and education later.

[KLP]

Wow, I didn't know you had kids.

[Tsathoggua]

Personally, I just can't imagine being married or having kids. That sort of stuff was never important to me. (I have been a pretty good uncle, though.)
So, if everybody were like me, the human race would go extinct in one generation. HA!

[illuminator]

Same here.

Twenty years ago, yeah, that was important to me, but it never happened. No regrets, but I find it annoying that so many think one has to married with children, and to not be is sinning.

[cathym]

Yeah, if you'd asked me 20 years ago, I would have expected to be married with kids long before now. But I've never met the right guy, and at this point, kids are probably not going to happen -- certainly not biologically, maybe step- or adopted...if I eventually meet someone I want to marry and who can put up with me.

At the NI church I was attending for a while, after the good preacher had his ugly midlife crisis and left, the new guy was much more of a marketer than a theologian. Therefore, we needed a motto / slogan. The one they came up with? "Where families build eternal homes". I pointed out that this was not at all welcoming to single people. "Have you talked to the other singles?" "WHAT other singles?" There were a few who were divorced with kids, but not a lot of actually single people...and why should I need someone else to confirm that something that makes me feel excluded does, in fact, make me feel excluded? They did eventually change it to "Where God's family builds eternal homes", which is still dumb, because shouldn't we all be building one home, not a bunch of different ones? but it wasn't worth staging another battle over.

(And a mission statement is _nothing_ like a creed...oh no, couldn't have that.)