Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

I am sure this is not a new topic here. But I wanted to work some things out in my head and really focus on how one sided the thinking is of the CoC and in particular the hardline/conservative/"anti" branch of the denomination.

It was pointed out to me that, the very fact that I have decided to choose another "religion" even though it is Christian, condemns my CoC friends to hell. Of course, my reaction was to explain that I did not feel that way at all. But, I am pretty sure my explanation will never work. You see it goes like this: They have "The Truth", therefore they are heaven bound. Everyone else is not so fortunate no matter how nice or pious they may be. So if their "Truth" is rejected whether by not responding to the gospel or by leaving, that person has rejected God and therefore will be lost in hell for eternity.

So naturally they would think that I think they are going to hell, right? Well of course they would! And there is no amount of explaining otherwise that will ever convince them. Just like I am fairly certain that by them expressing this, rather odd question on the surface, they deep down have concluded that at the very least my soul is in jeopardy and there may be a glimmer of hope and at worst, I'm going to hell. However, I think most would agree that they think I've punched my ticket to hell and all I have to do is wait until I die to go there. But, there is always hope, right? I don't think so. I'm going to hell, or at least their version of it.

Since they think I am going to the "bad place" because of my choice to leave, they by default think that I feel the same way, just in reverse. I have made a choice that doesn't involve "The Truth" so, I think they are going to hell because they are staying. So now, any time I talk, answer questions or discuss my decision the assumption is that I am doomed and they are not. How one sided is that? One sided because, I don't know who is going to hell or not and I don't get to choose who does get to go, darn it! However, they do get to choose and exhibit that fact by the types of questions they ask and condescending tone of their questions and statements, which I believe are designed to shame you into feeling bad about your decision. This position assumes a lot now doesn't it?

First of all, do they even consider that maybe the reasons for leaving and choosing another church may really be valid and they should look into it for themselves, maybe do a little reading or searching on their own before passing judgement? I have to stop right here and say, no. Because, clearly they do not consider anything else and so trying to reason is totally out of the question. Because, they are right and I am believing a lie and completely bonkers in leaving and choosing something else and will be damned for all eternity. End of story.

This is more rigid, black and white thinking. And, ultimately, people can think what they want to think. If one is secure in his/her beliefs, it should not matter what someone else thinks.

A favorite line of the CoC is that anyone who leaves them and begins attending a different family of faith/denomination has "turned their back on God". Don't let them suck you into this. If you leave the CoC and begin attending (for example) the First Christian Church, Baptist Church, etc, all you are doing is switching from one denomination to another. That's not the same as turning your back on God. That's just another example of the CoC being hateful and divisive.

Looking back, it's interesting that the CoCs that I'm familiar with have very little to say about grace and what Christ has done for us. Instead of preaching/teaching grace, the CoC would rather talk about all of the things they do to justify themselves before God and make God like them better than the church down the street. I believe that the CoC doesn't really want to discuss grace in any kind of honest way because when a person starts to understand that salvation is about what Christ has done for us instead of what we think we have done for Him, that person also begins to understand that there are saved people in lots and lots of denominations. In fact there might even be saved people in the CoC denomination among those who have decided to trust Christ instead of all of the CoC legalism and traditions.

It is rigid and so very black and white. But what is curious to me is that they believe that I believe they are going to hell, simply because of my choice. When I have not accused or disparaged the religion I have left. The contrary has happened. I suppose that is why they tend to be so tenacious in their behavior and response.

gordie91 wrote:It was pointed out to me that, the very fact that I have decided to choose another "religion" even though it is Christian, condemns my CoC friends to hell.

Gordie,

This sounds like a classical case of psychological projection, which is just one variant of many types of psychological manipulation that people use in an attempt to exert or maintain control of your decisions.

As I read the remainder of your post, it seems to me that there are lots of emotional/psychological manipulative forces at play. I think at its root, these traits come out when one's core beliefs are challenged, and they do not have a reasonable defense for why they believe what they do.

Unfortunately, productive communication is stifled when these emotionally immature responses start coming out.

My 2 cents.

FinallyFree wrote:This is more rigid, black and white thinking. And, ultimately, people can think what they want to think. If one is secure in his/her beliefs, it should not matter what someone else thinks.

yes yes this this - one of the cardinal signs that you have indeed actually really and truly LEFT the coc is when you don't really care what they think.

gordie91 wrote:It is rigid and so very black and white. But what is curious to me is that they believe that I believe they are going to hell, simply because of my choice. When I have not accused or disparaged the religion I have left. The contrary has happened. I suppose that is why they tend to be so tenacious in their behavior and response.

I even got this while still there but not doing xmas, not pushing non-xmas, just my personal choice. Cofcers in a Rudolph sweater would just feel judged and would say "so you think I am going to Hell because I have a tree in my house?" I see this type of accusing of motive and thinking also in politics with people casting aspersions on people who voted one way or the other...well then you must be a "blankist" if you voted for "blah-blah". How about I just voted for this other reason?...nah, you must be a "blankist". People cannot handle people being different and they feel judged and they attack/accuse. Calling them ignorant, uneducated, greedy, lazy, and on-n-on with the labels.

agricola wrote:

FinallyFree wrote:This is more rigid, black and white thinking. And, ultimately, people can think what they want to think. If one is secure in his/her beliefs, it should not matter what someone else thinks.

yes yes this this - one of the cardinal signs that you have indeed actually really and truly LEFT the coc is when you don't really care what they think.

Amen

Yes, that's it, psychological projection. They don't listen or even try to think a little bit because, they don't want to go to hell and if they ain't in their church they are going to hell.

I think they do feel judged and instead of analyzing my "whys" and "what for" and putting some time in on it, I become the judger of their soul. It really is strange, I could easily turn the table on them and get all up in arms and accuse them of "judging" me but no, at that point I would become angry and hateful to them for making such an accusation.

It isn't that I care what they think, it is just so dang annoying because a part of me wants to jump all over them and play the game right back at them and turn it back on them. Why do they get to set the rules? Why is it that their anger is justified and mine isn't? That is so annoying to me!!

Sorry for yelling, it is not you guys

Letmethink wrote:

agricola wrote:

FinallyFree wrote:This is more rigid, black and white thinking. And, ultimately, people can think what they want to think. If one is secure in his/her beliefs, it should not matter what someone else thinks.

yes yes this this - one of the cardinal signs that you have indeed actually really and truly LEFT the coc is when you don't really care what they think.

Amen

I have only been out of the CofC for a year and a half, but I have truly reached the point of not caring what they think. At first, I was nervous about going to the grocery store and running into people from the church I left. Now, I HAVE run into people, and I tell them where I go now, and it is fine. My husband says I have embraced our new church.