Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

This has probably been addressed already, I just haven't had time to read through all the threads. So a friend/member (whatever) sent me this text " I saw you twice on Sunday and didn't get to hug you. Will I see you tonight? And did you get tix for Rogue One" Its a wednesday night btw. So I reply at the time services start with a simple "I won't be there and I think my mom got the tickets. Her response ":( that you won't be here tonight, but yay for the tix!" IThis message bugged me. This member always sends a text if she doesn't see me at, at least, one service! Plus when she does, she acts like I've haven't been there for a century. I just freaking saw you last week damn it!! I felt like she just threw the movie question in there to make it look like she wasn't just monitoring my attendance. This is another annoyance I'm dealing with from growing up in the church. I"m experiencing it a bit more intensely at this congregation. Does anyone have suggestions on how tell this lady to back off without being mean? I know its really sad that I'm complaining on what appears to be kind & loving message. I just don't like being checked up on when I haven't expressed any need for it.
Also her personality is a bit intrusive my tastes so I'm trying to create some distances. I know there are many members like these in church which makes it less desirable.

Also, what does Hebrew 10:25 really mean for us Christians today? I know other demoninations stress attendance with great emphasis like the coc does.

I think the attendance monitor you are talking about may be my mom

The only suggestion I have as to how you can get her to stop is tell her how you truly feel about her checking up on you. It may hurt her feelings, just be polite as possible and clear about the point you make. As far as Hebrews 10:25, the coc uses it wrongly, mainly to bully members into attendance. After all, you need the attendance points to keep people happy or you get sent to hell. Then you show up and get sent to hell anyway in a sermon. My understanding of the verse is completely abandoning the assembling with other Christians. The "denomination" I go to does not stress attendance at all, and they have 2 services with 300-400 each service, unlike my old coc who stressed Hebrews 10:25 but could barely get 40-50 to show up people Sunday morning.

Members of the COC are often unaware of other's boundaries. The same people who ask about your dating life think it's ok to bug you every time you miss a service. They can easily rationalize that they have only your best interests in mind, that they want to show you that they love you, etc. but the truth is, these are inappropriate intrusions into your life. This happens so much in COC groups that we hardly recognize how inappropriate it is, whether we are the intruder or the intrudee. you have to draw your own line of what you will tolerate, because such people will never stop bugging you. Best wishes for dealing with this.

First off...you need to put the kibosh on the hug thing even if you are there. And just keep the travel size hand sanitizer in your hand and use it frequently and obviously...people get the message. So once you got the hugs and handshakes under control...then you can put a block on certain phone numbers and as a rule do not use/share/invite/accept/friend or otherwise encourage social media...be in stalk mode only if you feel the need to look. No one needs to know anything about your schedule, your mom's schedule, or if you are going to be out of the house for a movie or trip or church or anything. You can attend wherever you like but never place membership, never agree to the "oversight" of the elders, and never fill out info contact details beyond maybe a first initial.

It is so much easier to just never start any sort of "friendship" then having to worry about curtailing or setting boundaries...just be aloof, talk about the weather and sports if you are cornered. Say "have a nice day" to the greeter/preacher, repeatedly as needed, as they ask questions and then poof, be out there like a rat shooting out of the aqueduct. This means no potlicking and no holiday gift exchange. People on here complain about lack of fellowship halls at NI, but really you want to minimize contact so the fellowship hall is not your friend.

It takes awhile and some bad experiences to keep up the level of separation and isolation needed to remain "unmolested" in the assembly...didn't we always pray about being "unmolested" in the assembly...well this is how you do it as adult...remain unconnected and you will be unmolested.

So if this person has your cell phone and you have texted...then you have sort of learned the value of just never starting any sort of relationship in the first place.

I hope this doesn't sound negative, just sharing some of my life hacks and tips.

It sounds like this person would stop being your friend, if you stopped going to church. The friendship is conditional on your church attendance.

I would have a face to face conversation at some point, the next time you see her, and say "you know something? I won't always be able to make it to church. I just want you to know that upfront so there won't be any hurt feelings later on." Look her in the eye when you say this.

bnot wrote:The only suggestion I have as to how you can get her to stop is tell her how you truly feel about her checking up on you. It may hurt her feelings, just be polite as possible and clear about the point you make. As far as Hebrews 10:25, the coc uses it wrongly, mainly to bully members into attendance. After all, you need the attendance points to keep people happy or you get sent to hell. Then you show up and get sent to hell anyway in a sermon. My understanding of the verse is completely abandoning the assembling with other Christians. The "denomination" I go to does not stress attendance at all, and they have 2 services with 300-400 each service, unlike my old coc who stressed Hebrews 10:25 but could barely get 40-50 to show up people Sunday morning.

I really do! My annoyance with her is ever increasing. What church if you don't mind me asking? Although I don't want to abandon the assembling of other Christians I'm really having conflict with the idea of attending church every weekend. Not that I don't want to worship the Lord because He deserves and commands it...its the church part I'm struggling with now. Thanks for shedding some light on this verse.

klp wrote:.

It takes awhile and some bad experiences to keep up the level of separation and isolation needed to remain "unmolested" in the assembly...didn't we always pray about being "unmolested" in the assembly...well this is how you do it as adult...remain unconnected and you will be unmolested.

So if this person has your cell phone and you have texted...then you have sort of learned the value of just never starting any sort of relationship in the first place.

I hope this doesn't sound negative, just sharing some of my life hacks and tips.

I found your post quite amusing. Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately this won't work because I do like having relationships lol. However, I will trust my instincts going forward. I"ve always had a funny feeling about her and was forewarned by another member. I should've heeded the warning.

faithfyl wrote:It sounds like this person would stop being your friend, if you stopped going to church. The friendship is conditional on your church attendance. I would have a face to face conversation at some point, the next time you see her, and say "you know something? I won't always be able to make it to church. I just want you to know that upfront so there won't be any hurt feelings later on." Look her in the eye when you say this.

I like this! Going to try it next time. Overall I do like her enough to keep the friendship going, I just want to have my say without ripping it apart. However, like you stated its probably conditional.

I find that when you set boundaries with people, they respect you more.

I knew a woman a while back who made our friendship conditional on whether or not I would attend the same Baptist church she did. It was a large Baptist church. I just took my kid to VBS there and that was it. I didn't want to get further involved. So sometimes, that's just the way things go and I had to accept that we weren't gonna be friends.

klp wrote: People on here complain about lack of fellowship halls at NI, but really you want to minimize contact so the fellowship hall is not your friend.

Moogy wrote:

klp wrote: People on here complain about lack of fellowship halls at NI, but really you want to minimize contact so the fellowship hall is not your friend.

good one klp.