Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

Alternate title - "One strike and you're out"

The coC has severely warped the way I handle relationships.

For the longest time, I've gone in circles with my significant other, because any time he is upset or irritated about something, I interpret it as him being upset or irritated at me. That, in turn, sends me into a panic, where I preemptively apologize for everything and freak out because I can't stand the thought of him being unhappy with me (even though that's rarely the case).

So after finally sitting down and thinking about it, I think I've figured out why I am this way. In the coC, the only way to earn the approval of the "loving figure" is to try to be perfect, all day every day. Otherwise, the loving figure turns its back on you. if you mess up, you have to immediately, profusely apologize (whether that's private "repentance" or the ever-popular walk of shame) or you risk horrible, everlasting punishment from the so-called "loving figure." And when literally ANYTHING can be interpreted as a screw-up, it turns into a constant struggle of self-policing and walking on eggshells and worrying about what the "loving figure" is thinking about your behavior.

I think I've turned that mindset into a blanket way of viewing any kind of relationship. If I mess up, no matter what it is (or even if I didn't do anything at all, but the other person is unhappy about other things), I'm terrified of losing the approval of the other person and having to face awful consequences. So I panic, or I launch into a string of apologies that only makes things worse. I'm hoping that, now that I'm aware of it, I can overcome it.

Has anyone else had this problem?

yes.
Kindly get over it, because it is truly debilitating and a terrible way to live.
At least you RECOGNIZE why! That's the first step.

agricola wrote:yes.
Kindly get over it, because it is truly debilitating and a terrible way to live.
At least you RECOGNIZE why! That's the first step.

Working on it.

I've experienced a lot of that, and have never had a successful intimate relationship because of it. I'm entirely too attuned to the moods of others, to the extent that I start trying to solve the problem before the other party has had time to determine how much of a problem it really is. My prodding just ends up being like sandpaper on a bruise. It comes from a life of walking on pins and needles around my staunchly coc dad.

When I was growing up, there was a Presbyterian minister who worked so hard. He and his wife were there for everyone. True, faithful workers beloved by everyone except ... you guessed it, the church of Christ. He's a denomination and he'll go to hell despite him working circles around the money-hording coc. I challenged a coc member about this once and all they could say was, "I don't judge, God does. Only He knows who will go to heaven."

I was so warped in their dogma that I believed this saint was doomed.

MissingLink wrote:Alternate title - "One strike and you're out"



So after finally sitting down and thinking about it, I think I've figured out why I am this way. In the coC, the only way to earn the approval of the "loving figure" is to try to be perfect, all day every day. Otherwise, the loving figure turns its back on you. if you mess up, you have to immediately, profusely apologize (whether that's private "repentance" or the ever-popular walk of shame) or you risk horrible, everlasting punishment from the so-called "loving figure." And when literally ANYTHING can be interpreted as a screw-up, it turns into a constant struggle of self-policing and walking on eggshells and worrying about what the "loving figure" is thinking about your behavior.


Has anyone else had this problem?

I have this problem also. I talked about this with my counselor. My mother was CoC and this was how I would earn her approval. My problem was choosing a husband who I had to earn approval from him in the same manner. I wasn't comfortable with boyfriends that adored me, because I couldn't see why they would. Just left the marriage after 28 years, because it was never enough. Know that you and I need to find someone that adores us the way we are.

God loves us the way we are. Hang in there.

I read a lot of self help books in the past, trying to get rid of that not good enough feeling. I even read I'm OK, You're OK. It didnt't help. When I stopped believing that I was deserving of some kind of eternal punishment just for being human, the anxiety about myself naturally went away. Unfortunately, I still worry about other people because of my mother''s words which are hard to forget, " they wouldn't like you if they knew what you were really like." She would tell me this when the old ladies at church would compliment me. The funny thing is I was pretty much a goody two-shoes, except for smart mouthing like all teenagers.

they wouldn't like you if they knew what you were really like.

Wow....sorry you were told that, Turtle. Horrible thing to say to a kid.

I agree that it is unconscionable to say that to a child. Ever.

I have mentioned this sort of behavior in the past to C of C'ers, and so many of them say they never saw or experienced anything like that. In the cases of the people I talked to, they were usually the ones DOING it to others.

Struggler wrote:I agree that it is unconscionable to say that to a child. Ever.

I have mentioned this sort of behavior in the past to C of C'ers, and so many of them say they never saw or experienced anything like that. In the cases of the people I talked to, they were usually the ones DOING it to others.

Exactly, great point. I often read that in various comment sections of articles and even in amazon book comment sections. It goes something like this: " I'm sorry you were hurt in the past. In my xx years in the church, I've never seen that. Don't judge all of us based on a few bad apples, my church is very loving" etc. The doctrine gangsters never take responsibility. When I was drinking the coc kool aid, when it came to the one true church I was a self righteous idiot, and I'm sure I hurt people and/or scared them away because of it. You get to a point where you are so arrogant with your doctrine, you're never feel you're wrong.