Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

For those of you who are married how did your spouse accept leaving the coc when you decided to leave?

My wife was ready to go before I was ready to leave. Since we attended with my Dad it took me longer to leave than I would have otherwise. We now attend a strong & healthy church and it has made a world of difference for us individually and within our relationship. The coc environment can really kill one’s personal growth and overall health. You really learn that after you have left.

I was still unmarried at the time I left the CofC denomination. My wife, raised a Methodist, would not have tolerated the Church of Christ for a single Sunday.

She is fine with my atheism, although she is undecided herself. Frankly, religion plays almost no role in our lives.

My wife, not raised COC, was quite happy to be attending anywhere else.

Lev

My wife wasn't happy with me leaving the COC. In her defense, she grew up in the liberal, instrument-playing version of the COC, so she didn't understand the issues that I had with the hardline version. It actually delayed us having a child for a couple of years, because she wasn't sure that I would be good for the child's spiritual health.

To her credit, she never really made it difficult on me, though. She quietly disagreed with me and listened to me. By doing so, she opened her own eyes to some things. She saw how spitefully my family treated me for leaving. And then she saw how her own family acted. I never did get her to take a look at these message boards, but she joined one of our ex-COC facebook groups and got to know some other exers, and she took in everything that was happening to them. She also noted a remarkable change in my behavior and who I was as a person, and she considered it a big improvement. She went along with me to the Disciples of Christ and witnessed what a failure that turned out to be. We now both refuse to darken the doors of a COC. She is fully out.

I have since embraced my atheism/agnosticism. She is not there yet. She understands why I don't believe in God, but isn't quite willing to let go of her own belief just yet. We don't let that come between us. Like NeverAgain, we lead an entirely secular life, by and large devoid of religion. We don't go to church (or even have the desire to), we don't pray, we don't teach our child about religion, and we don't engage in anything spiritual.

Our marriage has actually never been stronger. Leaving the COC and Christianity actually made it better. Who knew?

GuitarHero wrote:My wife wasn't happy with me leaving the COC. In her defense, she grew up in the liberal, instrument-playing version of the COC, so she didn't understand the issues that I had with the hardline version. It actually delayed us having a child for a couple of years, because she wasn't sure that I would be good for the child's spiritual health.

To her credit, she never really made it difficult on me, though. She quietly disagreed with me and listened to me. By doing so, she opened her own eyes to some things. She saw how spitefully my family treated me for leaving. And then she saw how her own family acted. I never did get her to take a look at these message boards, but she joined one of our ex-COC facebook groups and got to know some other exers, and she took in everything that was happening to them. She also noted a remarkable change in my behavior and who I was as a person, and she considered it a big improvement. She went along with me to the Disciples of Christ and witnessed what a failure that turned out to be. We now both refuse to darken the doors of a COC. She is fully out.

I have since embraced my atheism/agnosticism. She is not there yet. She understands why I don't believe in God, but isn't quite willing to let go of her own belief just yet. We don't let that come between us. Like NeverAgain, we lead an entirely secular life, by and large devoid of religion. We don't go to church (or even have the desire to), we don't pray, we don't teach our child about religion, and we don't engage in anything spiritual.

Our marriage has actually never been stronger. Leaving the COC and Christianity actually made it better. Who knew?

Good for her!

My husband and I were both ready to leave at the same time. The first few months neither of us really went anywhere. So much of our shared experience was trying to fit in that CoC mold that we gave up, completely. And our relationship has been better for it. No one, especially me, is harassing him about being or becoming a spiritual leader (he's not quite shy but definitely introverted) or an example in his marriage. Our relationship is still rocky at times, what relationship isn't? but we are far better communicators than we used to be, because there is no pressure on either of us. We get along with each other so much better. The CoC literally was the thorn in our marriage.

Now I'm Episcopalianish. I go to church, he doesn't (not very often anyway). He often sleeps in on Sunday mornings but sometimes goes to a small neighborhood Orthodox church. When he does it always surprises me and he never has any real reason for going other than he felt like it. Totally fine in my book. No one should go to church if they don't feel like it.

It's not like work, which we get paid to go to, or school, where absences might affect grades (asinine policy, but that's another thread and shall be discussed another time).

I think my husband still identifies as Christian, but he is nowhere near ready to search for a church home. Maybe eventually. Maybe never, and I don't care unless it becomes important to him.

Honestly I feel like God understands if I don't make it to church on a Sunday morning, or if my husband doesn't. Because I've already been through hell and back.

I remember well all those times where some preacher or another told about meeting someone who considered themselves Christian but wouldn't go to church, and how the preacher told them they needed to get over themselves or whatever and land their butt in a pew--preferably a CoC pew--but the story is almost always so much more complex than a sermon takeaway.

We don't have kids like GH does but it used to be the family standard that when we all got together, we all went to church. That's not true anymore. My family came to our house this past Christmas. I took one sister, my nieces and nephew to Christmas Eve service. My husband stayed home with my other sister and nephews and they played games, and everybody was happy and no one made anyone go anywhere. The kids chose to go or stay, probably based more on who they wanted to spend time with, to be honest, but my point is they were free to make that choice.

Imma stop rambling now (insert Kanye West joke here)

GuitarHero wrote:I have since embraced my atheism/agnosticism.

It can be a freeing experience. No wasting time fearing Hell. I spent more time in Hell in the CoC. I am no longer agnostic but I found really reading the Bible and finding discrepancies to be interesting. I believe errancy is provable and for a purpose. It is so Christians will not use the Bible for a law book. Also patternism fails as a tool. The Bible is good enough to learn about Jesus. God is an incredibly proud parent.

Hildegard wrote:Now I'm Episcopalianish. I go to church, he doesn't (not very often anyway). He often sleeps in on Sunday mornings but sometimes goes to a small neighborhood Orthodox church. When he does it always surprises me and he never has any real reason for going other than he felt like it. Totally fine in my book. No one should go to church if they don't feel like it.

God is not always found in church. Church should be a support group for Christians and a growth medium. The CoC is neither in my book.

My wife and I left around the same time...we had been attending mostly rural churches and they can be some of the most stubborn minded people ... We had talked about leaving for months and now she goes to a home church run by an ex-elder who started his own church as he thought like we did that the coc is full of small minded people. I haven't really thought about church for years... I believe there is a god and don't think about it other than a saying a prayer to him when people ask for prayers ... Usually from friends online etc.

My husband is not a Christian or affiliated with any religion, so it's never been an issue. We enjoy how the other thinks about spiritual/religious things, and we learn from each other and give each other a really wide berth when it comes to personal beliefs such as religion.