Struggling to Thrive after abusive coc

[AJA]

I'm glad I found this site. I stopped attending coc in 2012. So 11 years. I was raised coc in a seriously strict coc family with deep coc roots. Some of my experiences:
Most Sundays I was drug out of services by my dad for squirming too much and beat in the foyer for everyone to hear. This happened from like 4 years old to probably 8. I was beat for raising my hand when the song leader asked if anyone had any songs they wanted to sing on a Wednesday night because I was a girl and must be silent. My mom guilted me for missing Wednesday night church to play a little league game. She said " Jesus died for you. What if he didn't show up". I got beat most nights. My dad would kick me alot. He would say things like "jesus hates you when you dont do the dishes like you are told". Then multiple church splits. In about jr high through hs we went to a coc where my dad preachef a lot on spare the rod spoil the child, fathers don't provoke you children to anger...all while still beating me. He became an elder. And oh how coc people just loved his advice. I was date raped, and married that man because I was afraid of going to hell. He beat me when I was pregnant with our first. I left 11 years later after having 2 kids. Church people called out of the blue saying I needed to stay. I have since remarried an amazing man and have a peaceful happy life, but the reality is, deep down I feel God cannot accept me because I divorced, I don't go to church. I pray and God has healed me but these old doubts an guilt are so so strong.oh, and to this day my parents believe I needed to be raised that way because I was "just that bad"

[zeek]

Most Sundays I was drug out of services by my dad for squirming too much and beat in the foyer for everyone to hear. This happened from like 4 years old to probably 8. I was beat for raising my hand when the song leader asked if anyone had any songs they wanted to sing on a Wednesday night because I was a girl and must be silent. My mom guilted me for missing Wednesday night church to play a little league game. She said " Jesus died for you. What if he didn't show up". I got beat most nights. My dad would kick me alot. He would say things like "jesus hates you when you dont do the dishes like you are told". Then multiple church splits. In about jr high through hs we went to a coc where my dad preachef a lot on spare the rod spoil the child, fathers don't provoke you children to anger...all while still beating me. He became an elder. And oh how coc people just loved his advice. I was date raped, and married that man because I was afraid of going to hell. He beat me when I was pregnant with our first. I left 11 years later after having 2 kids. Church people called out of the blue saying I needed to stay. I have since remarried an amazing man and have a peaceful happy life, but the reality is, deep down I feel God cannot accept me because I divorced, I don't go to church. I pray and God has healed me but these old doubts an guilt are so so strong.oh, and to this day my parents believe I needed to be raised that way because I was "just that bad"

Sweetie, I wish I could give you a hug. I am sorry for the horrible childhood you suffered. I have been out since 2013. I have come to the conclusion that if God exists, He, She, It can't be What we were taught in the coC. Their god is a fabricated illogical, irrational being. They use "him" as a club to beat down anyone who dares hold a different opinion. Don't lose any more sleep worrying about the god of the coC.

[AJA]

Thanks zeek. It's weird because I went to therapy for the abuse and neglect stuff years ago and that helped alot. When my grandma passed last January ( she was strict cOc, believed women are supposed to suffer in every way in life because eve ate the fruit first) this fear of not being good enough for God or right with God came back and has been giving me a hard time.