Ex-Church of Christ Support Board

I specifically remember feeling hesitant about inviting friends from school and neighbors to church. 'Church' I know is the people/body but I'm not here to be politically correct. Define 'normal' and I'll make a minor attempt at being politically correct. The stares, lectures, the awkward 'uh huhs...' after explaining 'my' beliefs were enough. And how could I blame them, right? I mean, beliefs like going to hell for singing in a worship setting with a guitar seemed pretty damn radical and at the least, rash. And let's not start with the 'oh, you can visit other churches...just make sure it's not on a Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, or among a list of these 'false' churches, or you'll go to hell.' No matter how you stuck it to me, no matter how hard I prayed to be more devoted to God, I couldn't imagine going to hell for simply being. Easy for CoC long-time VIP members, 'being' meant conforming without question. 'Questioning' was defined as going before the elders, never stepping out of the box. Because God knows, stepping outside that CoC box would land you in a terrible, life-altering accident and straight to hell!
The instilled lessons of fear sometimes haunt me, even if in a small form. Having been out of the church for four years now, I've just gotten to a steady spot and the entire veil has been lifted, I can see the rose-colored glasses my family looks through. The judgment of anyone and everyone that doesn't fit the cookie-cutter mold of a JCrew catalog, teens who don't have scripture and the word 'obey' snuggled into their Instagram header accounts, or Facebook post their feelings of conviction of how displeased God Must be because gay people can get married or how ungodly a woman must be if she even dare consider abortion after being raped. Until I left the church, I never realized how much fear was intertwined to each sermon, lesson, thought.
Maybe I'm rambling, rather than discussing 'doctrine' but Fear was a prevalent CoC practice and it just makes me feel angry. I still carry some of those feelings with me, that deep rooted fear. Fear of the unknown and 'Oh, well if you're not afraid of dying, you're not a Christian.' ...another topic for another time, but I think you get my point. CoC felt like the Mormon church and FLDS were radical, but I don't see much difference in the 'values' instilled in young CoCrs. Does anyone struggle with that fear, have similar experiences, etc.?

It's not 'rose colored glasses' - it's BLINDERS.

you're right. so blind..

Yes, I Still struggle with Fear and Guilt. Been almost 30 years since I left.

It's not so much fear or guilt as it has been anger. Anger at the manipulation, the blend of half lies and outright ignorance passed around as stone-cold fact, the judgment and gossip. I am far far more accepting and easygoing than I was as a young man, but fear and guilt were subdued long before anger.

The worst for me was the embarrassment of inviting a friend to a church that I knew had ridiculous beliefs and having to apologize beforehand if anyone insults or puts their beliefs down. Then of course you were expected to bring all your friends to church, but you don't dare go to their church, not even if the meeting times don't conflict with your church.

I remember very well the fear of hell. I would even have nightmares about going to hell. Thankfully I'm over the fear. There is still some anger in the back of my mind when I think about my years in the CoC, but thankfully the fear they put in me is gone.

MusicMan826 wrote:The worst for me was the embarrassment of inviting a friend to a church that I knew had ridiculous beliefs and having to apologize beforehand if anyone insults or puts their beliefs down. Then of course you were expected to bring all your friends to church, but you don't dare go to their church, not even if the meeting times don't conflict with your church.

I remember very well the fear of hell. I would even have nightmares about going to hell. Thankfully I'm over the fear. There is still some anger in the back of my mind when I think about my years in the CoC, but thankfully the fear they put in me is gone.

That's something that SHOULD have told me more about the coc than it did, and earlier in my life too - how reluctant (downright REFUSED) I was to invite 'my friends' to come to church with me. Even when I was in elementary school I knew - already - that inviting a friend to come to church with me would have one sure consequence: I would lose that person as a friend. And I didn't have so many friends at school that I could afford to lose them.

I should have realized a lot sooner what that meant about the coc.

I invited a friend to church one time and all the people did was insult her. Literally. She wore a dress to Wednesday night servies and they mocked about that. She was Baptist and insulted her about that. I was embarrassed that I brought her and ended up asking her if she wanted to go after about 30 minutes. I apologized all the way to her house and I was told years later that she broke down and cried after I left. Her father who is lifelong Baptist married a woman who was ex church of christ. He told me he had heard all of these stories about us from his wife but couldn't quite get around it all until his daughter came home that night. I told him I pretty much quit believing in CoC after that because even though that's all I knew I knew something was wrong for it to make people act like that. They are all still friends of mine but I won't be inviting any of them to go back to the COC.

Looking back I can see clearly that the control comes from instilling fear and guilt. At the time, growing up in the coc, I never saw it that way. I didn't think I was being controlled. I didn't think an unrational fear of hell was keeping me from questioning the church. I didn't think shame was keeping me from inviting my friends or in sharing the gospel with others.

The one thing that dogged me most though was that I didn't understand why I felt so inadequate as a Christian. It's all interconnected.

Fear is what drives every decision the coc members make. They have been told all their lives that their salvation is dependent upon how well they follow the rules, and they better be sure what the rules are. They can't afford to be wrong about the rules, because then they might be living in a sinful state. Which also explains why there is usually no spiritual growth among the members. Once they have accepted "the TRUTH", to learn something new or to grow in their faith means that they have come across new truths. Which means that they might not have learned "the TRUTH" in the first place. Thus more fear, and thus the unwillingness to deviate from what they already know to be true!

I know that some have used fear for the purpose of control, but in my experience even the leadership guided out of fear sincerely because they didn't want to lose their salvation.

That being said, the fact that I was embarassed to invite anyone was the final straw for me leaving.