Paranoid!
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 4:57 pm
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=786
Here's my intro post, short, and basically gives a little background.
Since leaving my relationships with blood relatives has become non existent. (I was "church royalty". You know what I mean). I don't even get an invitation to Christmases or Thanksgivings, even though they have no "Biblical right" to shun me. The way I left was strategic, thought-through, slow, and I found a loop-hole.
That's one thing that has happened since leaving, but when I was still going I was diagnosed bipolar with psychosis. I have had delusions of reference, and the classical "my house is wired" delusions. It seems like I became paranoid and skittish around 7 or 8. Every time I'd go I'd feel this overwhelming sadness and guilt. I'd also feel as if everyone was judging me. I had a family member who got the boot twice, and always felt like people were thinking "wonder if she'll turn out like her [relative]". I had heard people talking about my relative.
It seems like every sermon I felt was targeted toward me, and they were always hateful. There never seemed to be a "Jesus loves you" and "please forgive people" sermon. I was obsessed with death at a young age. In all my Bible classes I was scolded for asking questions such as "where did Cain's wife come from?" and "If time is meaningless to God, then why believe that Earth was created in 6-24-hour-human time days? Why can't the big bang theory be accurate?" Completely turned down. Scolded. i was made fun of because I couldn't memorize the memory verses assigned. I've always had problems with memory. Genetics. Nature vs. Nurture.
I'm not a person who turns to their childhood to say "I'm messed up because dad spanked me" or whatever. I've never talked to my psychologist about my past. And I'll tell you, my past is a horror story. Home, church, school...all hellish. But the thing is, I've never talked about it because I just don't see the point and want to forget it. But he said one day after mentioning I've never said anything within the 8-ish years I'd been seeing him because I feel like "it doesn't matter", that it does matter because it shapes you into who you are today. Like I said, Nature vs. Nurture. Mental illnesses run in the family, so that is genetic. I don't blame my upbringing, but now that I'm at a point in my life where I'm medicated and stable the best way I can be, (there is no cure obviously), I'm tending to wonder if the church has at least contributed to my paranoia, anxiety, unnecessary guilt, shame, and constantly thinking people are judging or mad at me. It seems to make sense. A swarm of learned negative feelings along with genetics to create a perfect storm.
I don't like to blame the past. I don't like to think "poor me". I don't like people to pity me. I don't see myself as a victim, but rather someone who was dealt a really bad hand and has bluffed their whole life. But at the same time, I can see my psychologists opinion that the past helps shape you. I've been out for a few years, and I've gotten better with being afraid of them knocking on my door, or pinning letters on the door, or harass-calling me, but I'm still having these feelings like they're still "out to get me".
So that's how the church has impacted my life. Contributed and fed my already genetically fragile brain. And I've lost family. I don't have holidays anymore. My friends who have celebrations during holidays...the pictures are strange to me. The thought of having a happy family is foreign to me.
Here's my intro post, short, and basically gives a little background.
Since leaving my relationships with blood relatives has become non existent. (I was "church royalty". You know what I mean). I don't even get an invitation to Christmases or Thanksgivings, even though they have no "Biblical right" to shun me. The way I left was strategic, thought-through, slow, and I found a loop-hole.
That's one thing that has happened since leaving, but when I was still going I was diagnosed bipolar with psychosis. I have had delusions of reference, and the classical "my house is wired" delusions. It seems like I became paranoid and skittish around 7 or 8. Every time I'd go I'd feel this overwhelming sadness and guilt. I'd also feel as if everyone was judging me. I had a family member who got the boot twice, and always felt like people were thinking "wonder if she'll turn out like her [relative]". I had heard people talking about my relative.
It seems like every sermon I felt was targeted toward me, and they were always hateful. There never seemed to be a "Jesus loves you" and "please forgive people" sermon. I was obsessed with death at a young age. In all my Bible classes I was scolded for asking questions such as "where did Cain's wife come from?" and "If time is meaningless to God, then why believe that Earth was created in 6-24-hour-human time days? Why can't the big bang theory be accurate?" Completely turned down. Scolded. i was made fun of because I couldn't memorize the memory verses assigned. I've always had problems with memory. Genetics. Nature vs. Nurture.
I'm not a person who turns to their childhood to say "I'm messed up because dad spanked me" or whatever. I've never talked to my psychologist about my past. And I'll tell you, my past is a horror story. Home, church, school...all hellish. But the thing is, I've never talked about it because I just don't see the point and want to forget it. But he said one day after mentioning I've never said anything within the 8-ish years I'd been seeing him because I feel like "it doesn't matter", that it does matter because it shapes you into who you are today. Like I said, Nature vs. Nurture. Mental illnesses run in the family, so that is genetic. I don't blame my upbringing, but now that I'm at a point in my life where I'm medicated and stable the best way I can be, (there is no cure obviously), I'm tending to wonder if the church has at least contributed to my paranoia, anxiety, unnecessary guilt, shame, and constantly thinking people are judging or mad at me. It seems to make sense. A swarm of learned negative feelings along with genetics to create a perfect storm.
I don't like to blame the past. I don't like to think "poor me". I don't like people to pity me. I don't see myself as a victim, but rather someone who was dealt a really bad hand and has bluffed their whole life. But at the same time, I can see my psychologists opinion that the past helps shape you. I've been out for a few years, and I've gotten better with being afraid of them knocking on my door, or pinning letters on the door, or harass-calling me, but I'm still having these feelings like they're still "out to get me".
So that's how the church has impacted my life. Contributed and fed my already genetically fragile brain. And I've lost family. I don't have holidays anymore. My friends who have celebrations during holidays...the pictures are strange to me. The thought of having a happy family is foreign to me.
