Paranoid!

[CatLover88]

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=786

Here's my intro post, short, and basically gives a little background.

Since leaving my relationships with blood relatives has become non existent. (I was "church royalty". You know what I mean). I don't even get an invitation to Christmases or Thanksgivings, even though they have no "Biblical right" to shun me. The way I left was strategic, thought-through, slow, and I found a loop-hole.

That's one thing that has happened since leaving, but when I was still going I was diagnosed bipolar with psychosis. I have had delusions of reference, and the classical "my house is wired" delusions. It seems like I became paranoid and skittish around 7 or 8. Every time I'd go I'd feel this overwhelming sadness and guilt. I'd also feel as if everyone was judging me. I had a family member who got the boot twice, and always felt like people were thinking "wonder if she'll turn out like her [relative]". I had heard people talking about my relative.

It seems like every sermon I felt was targeted toward me, and they were always hateful. There never seemed to be a "Jesus loves you" and "please forgive people" sermon. I was obsessed with death at a young age. In all my Bible classes I was scolded for asking questions such as "where did Cain's wife come from?" and "If time is meaningless to God, then why believe that Earth was created in 6-24-hour-human time days? Why can't the big bang theory be accurate?" Completely turned down. Scolded. i was made fun of because I couldn't memorize the memory verses assigned. I've always had problems with memory. Genetics. Nature vs. Nurture.

I'm not a person who turns to their childhood to say "I'm messed up because dad spanked me" or whatever. I've never talked to my psychologist about my past. And I'll tell you, my past is a horror story. Home, church, school...all hellish. But the thing is, I've never talked about it because I just don't see the point and want to forget it. But he said one day after mentioning I've never said anything within the 8-ish years I'd been seeing him because I feel like "it doesn't matter", that it does matter because it shapes you into who you are today. Like I said, Nature vs. Nurture. Mental illnesses run in the family, so that is genetic. I don't blame my upbringing, but now that I'm at a point in my life where I'm medicated and stable the best way I can be, (there is no cure obviously), I'm tending to wonder if the church has at least contributed to my paranoia, anxiety, unnecessary guilt, shame, and constantly thinking people are judging or mad at me. It seems to make sense. A swarm of learned negative feelings along with genetics to create a perfect storm.

I don't like to blame the past. I don't like to think "poor me". I don't like people to pity me. I don't see myself as a victim, but rather someone who was dealt a really bad hand and has bluffed their whole life. But at the same time, I can see my psychologists opinion that the past helps shape you. I've been out for a few years, and I've gotten better with being afraid of them knocking on my door, or pinning letters on the door, or harass-calling me, but I'm still having these feelings like they're still "out to get me".

So that's how the church has impacted my life. Contributed and fed my already genetically fragile brain. And I've lost family. I don't have holidays anymore. My friends who have celebrations during holidays...the pictures are strange to me. The thought of having a happy family is foreign to me.

[Tsathoggua]

Welcome aboard! You have quite a story, there. Thanks for sharing!

[CatLover88]

No problem sharing. I wanted to get it off my chest. I just wonder if anyone else has been so wrecked by this church-cult.
Because that's what it is. A cult. A cult is damaging, and I am damaged. And obviously a lot of other people are as well.

[Cootie Brown]

It is my personal opinion that some of the more extreme congregations meet the definition of a religious cult.

[onward]

It is my personal opinion that some of the more extreme congregations meet the definition of a religious cult.

Agreed, and while they may not fit the exact definition of a religious cult, they're guilty on enough points to make them way to cultish for my taste.

[CatLover88]

It is my personal opinion that some of the more extreme congregations meet the definition of a religious cult.

Agreed, and while they may not fit the exact definition of a religious cult, they're guilty on enough points to make them way to cultish for my taste.

Cults practice public shaming, shunning, harassment, brainwashing, and teaching members to withdraw from anyone who believes otherwise.
They also don't want a member learning about the "outside".
Therefore, I do believe it's a cult. And have for a long time. Technically a "church-cult" since it's about the Bible. (Or supposed to be).

Here's a story, and it's true:
I was starting my first semester of college. As I was walking out of the building a woman asked me what I was classes I'd be taking. "Math 095, English 101, World Religion, Biology 101, and Philosophy." She gets a blank expression on her face and says "Don't you dare pay attention in Philosophy or that world religion class. They will sway you from the truth" and storms off.
We had a lot of sermons about other religions. What the preacher thought they believed and how it was wrong.

Let me ask you this, who has a better chance of making it into some sort of Heaven? A) A man from the church of christ who has been baptized, goes to church 3 times a week, bashes anyone and everyone who believes differently, shames his own children for leaving, and doesn't contribute to any sort of charity OR B) The Hindu man that literally digs around in shit to find a small piece of gold that was dropped in the sewers at night to sell to a guy to sell to a guy to make enough money to feed his family the next day? (It happens, folks. That is a real thing)

[KLP]

Agreed. But why can't both of those guys sail into Heaven? I mean compared to Hitler, they both look pretty good. Or maybe they all go to Hell. Who knows.

[CatLover88]

Agreed. But why can't both of those guys sail into Heaven? I mean compared to Hitler, they both look pretty good. Or maybe they all go to Hell. Who knows.

"Compared to Hitler". Hmm...well...the coc does teach that a lie is just as bad as murder, so it's possible if there is a heaven or hell type of reality. Guess we should make our own heaven on earth. Get at peace and comfortable with ourselves and just try to be good people.
If I go to hell, I'll save seats. HA!! Or rather bare spots for floats in the lake. Brimstone and fire proof of course.

[OneStrike_ur_out]

I don't know who the cOC condemns to hell more. The denominations or it's own members, LOL.

[agricola]

I don't know who the cOC condemns to hell more. The denominations or it's own members, LOL.

Well if you are going to go by what I learned at home and at church:

a) all non-Christians, whether they'd ever heard 'the gospel' or not.
b) all Roman Catholics.
c) 99% of people in 'the denominations' (there was a special though reluctant allowance that there just MIGHT be a few truly special people in 'the denominations' that might possibly be saved regardless of their unfortunate attendance at the wrong place).
d) maybe 50 to 70% or so of people in a coc (as in, we are the only ones with the truth and we will be saved but not even all of US!)

Hell was going to be extremely overcrowded, and everyone in Heaven would have their own private mansion, apparently.