I did it!

[gordie91]

Congratulations, Shrubbery!!

That took courage. Stand strong!! And just as a reminder....no one has the right to harass you or second guess such a very difficult, personal decision. You aren't obligated to meet with anyone to explain your decision.

Amen to that! That advice right there helped me keep my sanity.

[Shrubbery]

I did meet my friend last night. We had a good talk. She saw pretty quickly that she was not going to convince me right then and there, and I think she even realized that studying with me later was probably not going to work (and I would absolutely say NO to that). I just wanted her to hear this from me rather than hear it from the pulpit, because she is (or was) a friend. At the end of our talk, she did say that she would have to really wrestle with how much time to spend with me, after all this shakes out. So basically, I'm pretty sure I've lost her as a friend. It's not the end of the world though. She was my church friend that I talked a little more openly with, but not as openly as I talk to my non-church friends. I called one of those friends last night after the talk, and I got to vent about the church and how crazy it is. That felt good, and I went home and went to bed without shedding a tear for my church friend.

I chose to meet with the elder today, and I already told them I would not meet with the group as a whole or other elders. I would just meet with this one, and I will make it clear today that that's the only time I will meet and that it's only to let them know where I am and how I got there. I have to pick a kid up from camp, so we will have exactly one hour to talk, and then I can send him on his way. When I'm done, my non-church friend above is expecting a phone call from me, so I can vent (and cuss ) some more.

I slept much better last night. Stomach is still in knots, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. After the talk today, I should feel much better, being free of these shackles! I regret ever being baptized into this crazy cult-like church.

[FinallyFree]

I have been thinking about you and hoping you would be ok. It sounds like you will be.

[Ivy]

Shrubbery, I am sorry about your friend; I remember that pain. Remember, though....she is still entrenched in the cult and hasn't done the difficult work you have done. Maybe she will come around some day, maybe not. Sometimes it does happen. But either way you will be ok. You have lots of support.

[Shrubbery]

I talked to the elder today. He's the non-confrontational type, so it was easy to talk to him. He said from the outset that he was not there to beat me over the head or berate me, and he was true to his word. He mostly listened, and sometimes gave his thoughts on a subject, but he didn't argue each point by any means. As far as coc elders go, he's a really great one. I did make it clear that I was done. I don't want to study or read people's books or anything else. I just want out. I told him I have been feeling trapped and I need space. Lots and lots of space. And I told him that if I ever believed in God again, I couldn't see myself going back to a church of Christ or other fundamentalist group. He did mention the "w" word as being a possible consequence (and yes, I already withdrew myself Sunday - I am not a member of the church). I guess churches have forgotten the 80's.

Now my husband is wanting to talk more, and I'm just so wanting to be done with talking! But he's my husband, so I need to talk to him. He did finally listen to some of the things I was saying, so he was able to take those as points for him to chew on later. He is really good at debate, and I'm not good at in-person debate (I'm better with typing, because I have time to collect my thoughts, reword things, chew on things, etc.). So while I might sound like a word that means female dog sometimes online, I am actually very non-confrontational in person. And so after explaining why it's so hard to talk to my husband about this, that's when he finally started listening more. But goodness, no one in the coc can just let it go that you don't believe what they believe.

I have so many curse words in my mind about this denomination. Every friend I have talked to has been amazed at the craziness of it. Even my Mormon friends think it's nuts! After talking to my coc friend last night, I called a non-coc friend (who has been starting to lean toward atheist or at least agnostic), and I told her what my coc friend and I had talked about. She then told her husband about all this, and he just went off in a diatribe to the point that she had to say, "Woah! I'm not the one thinking this stuff!" He apologized for getting carried away. Maybe I should have him come study with me and my husband.

So that's where I am on day 3. It should be uphill from here, right?

[Shrubbery]

Wednesday was a great day! My husband has realized he needs to use kid gloves with this situation. He's not pushing, and he's going to give me some space and time to process before we talk about some things. I told him I'd wait a few months and then try out a liberal church, such as Episcopal or Methodist, and see if the belief in God feelings have changed any. If I still feel like I'm worshiping Santa Clause, then I'll continue to stay home.

When they went to church last night, I put on some good angry woman music (not that I was angry, but it's usually empowering music) and cleaned the house. I was truly happy. Haven't felt that way in a long time. It feels so good to be free!

I also talked to my dad yesterday, as my husband had wanted me to do that. My dad stopped going to church years ago because of the way the church my mom played organist for was treating her. This is a common issue in churches. They often treat their employees like scum. My friend's mom had the same experience working as a secretary for a Catholic church. Anyway, a few years back, my middle son asked my dad why he didn't go to church if he was a Christian. So my dad started looking around at churches and he listened to some online sermons of local churches and liked the Methodist church near him. So he started going, and he has really enjoyed it there. He's even on the Board of Trustees now. He talked a little about why he still believes in God, but that he doesn't think the Bible is literally true. He agrees with me that the coc teachings are nuts. And he fully supports me in whatever direction I go. He truly believes everyone has the right to their own beliefs, including his children. I love my dad. He also told me to find a church with a woman pastor.

I doubt I'll get back to God again, but I am fine with trying liberal churches after I've had time to decompress from the coc experience. At least with the liberal churches, I know I'm not stuck if I attend one. If the atheism is still strong in me, I'll just find a secular service organization to join instead.

I have no idea how last night went for my husband. I suspect he talked to the elders afterward for a bit, as my 3 year old said my (ex-)friend told her to stop running, which means (ex-)friend was watching her for my husband. The 3 year old gets very upset when someone tells her not to do something, and she tattle tails on them. Hubby hasn't told me what went on, and I didn't ask. I know they're going to withdraw from me at some point. I assume they'll warn me first? I don't know if any kind of announcement was made about me. I haven't received any messages from anyone.

Last night I told two friends (one is ex-coc and used to be on the old board) that my church was likely to bombard my husband with hugs and cards. Both friends (in separate conversations) said, "What, like you're dead?" I guess to them I am dead, so it makes sense. But I'll take that over the vitriol that some receive in this situation. Hugs and cards are good, comparatively!

[teresa]

It sounds like it's been very freeing for you to be able to share your heart.

[Cootie Brown]

People that leave religion often travel a similar path, especially when it involves a strong fundamentalists version of religion. It is usually a long and difficult journey.

Many, me included, often try to find God, or a God, that they can believe in to fill that very large hole in their life. I've explored pantheism & pandeism. I think for people that leave the faith for intellectual reasons, and those that have studied & researched the Bible & Christianity from a historical perspective, reconnecting with God is extremely difficult.

The Methodist Church has proven to be a very good choice for my wife, but religion, even a liberal version, just doesn't resonate with me anymore. Maybe it will be different for you. I hope so if you feel like you need God in your life.

[KLP]

Sorry to hear your plight Shrub...I wish you and your husband and kids were all on the same page and same place. I am guessing we all know what it is like to have to get out of a place that is unbearable. I just wish you could have exited together and supported each other.

[flawed]

I’ve been right where your husband is when my husband stopped attending. It’s a tough place to be in with a lot of emotions involved. However him leaving gave me the push I needed to eventually leave since I was only there after being pressured by my family. One thing I’m curious about is are your in-laws part of the church? That has been our biggest problem, leaving the church was much easier than dealing with my family about it.