I did it!

[Shrubbery]

I’ve been right where your husband is when my husband stopped attending. It’s a tough place to be in with a lot of emotions involved. However him leaving gave me the push I needed to eventually leave since I was only there after being pressured by my family. One thing I’m curious about is are your in-laws part of the church? That has been our biggest problem, leaving the church was much easier than dealing with my family about it.

His mother is in the church, but his father is not. His grandparents were also in the church, but the last of them just passed away a couple months ago. His aunt attends but isn't the kind to make you feel guilty. I think she is half-hearted about it.

I'm not sure how MIL will take it. But the good news is that we hardly ever see her, since she's not willing to drive through Birmingham traffic to see her grandchildren more than once or twice a year, and she only meets us halfway for lunch rather than coming to our house and really visiting. (3 hour drive) We don't go down there because our large family can't fit in her hoarder house anymore. As in, there was no where to even sit. We already got a hotel for the night, but if we can't even sit during the day, it's a bit much.

So basically, I don't expect any real backlash from his family. MIL will probably be disappointed, but I can handle her pretty well.

[Shrubbery]

The Methodist Church has proven to be a very good choice for my wife, but religion, even a liberal version, just doesn't resonate with me anymore. Maybe it will be different for you. I hope so if you feel like you need God in your life.

Honestly, I don't feel like I need a God in my life, but I do think putting the effort in to try will appease the hubby. If I take a break, try a liberal version of Christianity, and still feel like I'm worshiping Santa Clause, then I know it's not going to work, and my husband will know that I did attempt it. He didn't want me to close the door. So I'm leaving that door cracked, just barely. I told him I AM closing the door on coc though. No way can I go back to that.

[Shrubbery]

Sorry to hear your plight Shrub...I wish you and your husband and kids were all on the same page and same place. I am guessing we all know what it is like to have to get out of a place that is unbearable. I just wish you could have exited together and supported each other.

I do too. It sucks. But he grew up coc and conquered his doubts when he was 25. He says his faith is very strong. Every time we talk, I can tell he wants to pull me back to coc line of thinking, and I can't go there. But he is listening now and giving me the space I need. Going to a more liberal church would never work for him. He's still in that mode that the coc way of interpreting the Bible is the correct way. Maybe eventually as we talk more, he might see it differently, but I'm not going to try to change his mind. He'll work out his own beliefs, and maybe one day we'll be on the same page again. That would be really nice.

But for now, he's a man and an engineer. He sees a problem and wants to fix it. So I'm having a problem, and he wants to fix that problem, but his idea of fixing the problem is not my idea of fixing the problem. He's having to wrestle with that.

On a good note, I think our marriage has been stronger than ever through all this, and it's improved our communication as well. I do hate that he has to suffer embarrassment at church. But as I told a friend, the reason he's suffering embarrassment is because the church is nuts. In a normal church, this would have been a non-issue. All the more reason for me to be out of there!

[Moogy]

Congratulations on making the break for freedom! I remember the joy of NOT going to church constantly after I left. So much free time appeared in my life!

[Shrubbery]

So they haven't taken me off the membership e-mail list yet, and I received the prayer list this morning. I'm not on it. I am 99.9% sure that they haven't mentioned my absence at all in front of the congregation. I've had one person text me to ask where I was yesterday (she sits in front of me and would notice me not being there), and an elder's wife e-mailed me to say she missed me.

I really don't want to deal with trickles of texts and e-mails wondering where I am. I suspect they're thinking maybe I'll change my mind after some space is given? Or that maybe my husband will be able to talk me back into coming? I don't know. He said we could talk about biblical inerrancy later, after I've had some time away from things. I thought I had made myself pretty clear that I don't want to be a member when I specifically said I was withdrawing my membership as of the date of that writing. It's like no one believes me that I'm really leaving.

Meanwhile, I've been so productive since I've left. I have time to clean the house when I'm not spending hours upon hours researching the Bible.

[Shrubbery]

This morning I got an email from my friend's husband, wanting to have e-mail discussions about this Intelligent Design podcast he listens to. The first podcast is about 10 books every conservative should read. He wants to have a brief back and forth e-mail discussion every week. Um... NO.

I used to work with him before kids (he was my boss), so the families have been friends a long time. But ugh. No. Just no.

[Shrubbery]

I tried listening to the podcast he sent. I couldn't make it all the way through. I tried listening to a different episode of the podcast, one on a science topic. I quickly debunked what they were saying there. So I told him that this wasn't going to work for me and that I needed space. I told him that pushing conservative and anti-science ideas on me was not going to bring me back from where I am, as they are a big part of the reason I left. He replied that I'm being unfair.

Unfair? I've been more than fair. I've tried to leave as quietly as possible. I have not spread my ideas around the church or put seeds of doubt in anyone's head. I have not told anyone how crazy I think the coc is. I have explained where I am and how I got there to an elder when I didn't have to. I have talked personally with my friend when I didn't have to. I have been cordial to people sending me texts and emails letting me know they miss me. I have been nothing but fair. I even listened to the stupid podcast, or at least most of it AND tried a different episode. I've been abundantly fair.

I didn't respond to his e-mail and don't plan to. But this is making me so angry that I'm making up for 20 years of not cussing.

[gordie91]

That exchange sounds so familiar to my experience, the difference was me becoming "catholic". It is one thing for someone to disagree or to ask questions fueled by a real curiosity but when they ask questions or ask you to "take a look at this" so they can discuss things, I'm with you and it is time to walk away.

I was given an article about Orthodoxy by a family member and was asked if I agreed with the beliefs of the article. I stated, like you, if I didn't agree with those things I wouldn't be going to that church! DuH! I think some were just trying to come to terms and understand what I was doing and that means sometimes asking obviously ridiculous questions. I didn't get the unfair comments like you but for a while I got some vague comments and a couple of mini-sermons about "following the bible" and just trying to do what it says as if I hadn't heard about those things from my youth. Thankfully I haven't had any real arguments or shout downs with any of them over us leaving the CoC and becoming Orthodox. I can only imagine what your situation is like, knowing my family, it would be rough, very rough. But since technically I'm going to a "so-called" Christian church no screaming or shunning.

Hang tough, eventually they will get it and move on to someone else less likely to be as strong as you seem to be.

[Shrubbery]

Gordie, I understand that to many in the coc, you're just as bad as the atheist.

I read the initial letter to my neighbor this afternoon, and her response was, "That was kind of condescending." And it was. And then me being unfair because I don't want to study with him weekly? Really?

He says he'll give me the space I need. I was very clear that I do not want to study. I'm sure there will be more of these coming though. This is one of the reasons why I left the church!

[Ivy]

What hard core cofc people don't want to understand is that by the time someone has decided to leave the cofc, there have generally been years of angst, study, discussion, counsel-seeking, and introspection over making that decision. Current devoted members have difficulty hearing that; they'd rather think of it as a whim. They want to "bring you back to your senses". They couldn't be more misguided.