Did Your Congregation Have One?

[illuminator]

It seems almost every congregation had one of these …

THE OLD BIDDY. Hateful know-it-all superior witch (not my first word choice). Speaks her mind. Thinks since she’s passed menopause she’s a man now, specifically an elder. Loves to put young women their place. Thrives on being superior. The original church lady.

THE CANDYMAKER. She’s sickening sweet. An elderly, grandmother type. She’s adored by the entire congregation. She tries to do right, but being the coc, her fellow members make fun of her behind her back. She really tries to be a good Christian, to be sincerely Christ-like but is totallt out of place in the coc.

THE GROUPIE. She’s the married goody-two shoes member of the congregation who has an almost teenager fascination with the preacher. She bakes him special treats. Constantly praises him. President of his fan club. More interested in the man than the message. Throws her panties upon the pulpit. Will rip your head off like a lioness if you speak just one negative word against the preacher.

Oh, there’s more to come.

[illuminator]

THE HITCHHIKER. She tags along with the ladies on everything, supports them … until they “play church” with their Ladies Day. She’s usually pretty mousy until the annual event rolls around and it’s like she’s been exposed to a full moon. When Ladies Day is over, she reverts to her role as correspondence course grader.

THE HANK KIMBLE ELDER. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Very narrow-minded. Opinionated. On the one hand, he doesn’t want to offend anyone, but on the other hand, in trying not to offend the first party, successfully offends the second party. Can easily be angered, and always takes the bait. His face constantly conveys being caught in the headlights on any biblical matter (just ask him if Adam had a belly button). Has athlete’s tongue from always having one of his feet in his mouth.

THE SPONGE. Usually a simple-minded person of low IQ but smart enough to manipulate others. First in line for food whether at a fellowship meal or crashing a youth event. Usually single and spends their free time calling the church building asking the same questions. Uses others, but pitied.

THE KITCHEN QUEEN. She thinks the fellowship hall is her personal domicile. Knows where every single pot or pan is located. Has inventoried every food item and snitches to the elder when the sponge has sneaked into the fellowship hall for a snack between Sunday school and worship.

THE BUILDING INSPECTOR. The kitchen queen’s male counterpart. It’s his business to know how much toilet paper is being used. He marks the fuel gauge of the church bus like your dad did the liquor bottles when he’d leave you alone. He gets upset very easily especially over little things like leaving your Bible (or anything else) in the pew. Thinks all uses of the church bus except for Sunday mornings is joyriding.

[illuminator]

GANDAFF. He used to be the fire-and-brimstone preacher but has slipped into senility. He does infomercials now instead of sermons. He means well but he’s lost touch with reality. He’s kept on as if respected as a retired statesman, but as with so many in the coc, he’s ridiculed and made fun of.

THE SECRETARY FROM HELL. Takes her job way too seriously. Thinks she’s an elder. Foul-mouthed. Keeps food and a copy of 50 Shades of Gray in her desk. Has wild liberal opinions. Single but has a thing for the UPS delivery guy and his package. Horny. Original 40-year-old virgin. Considered a saint. Beloved by all the women. Men protect their balls around her.

[KLP]

Thanks for the fun list...very awesome

The Candymaker lady...oh yes, have experienced a few of these....the ones I knew tended towards big gaudy jewelry and too much makeup and perfume.

[Moogy]

SCREECH OWL. The guy who loves to lead singing, but he sounds terrible. Always willing, so he leads far too often. May also be a Deacon, so that gets him more gigs.

AXE MAN. Comes to business meetings with an axe to grind. Argues about both major and minor issues. Talks about things that happened in the past, trying to generate more conflict. If successful, he splits the church, then moves on to another congregation afterward.

[Ivy]

THE SECRETARY FROM HELL. Takes her job way too seriously. Thinks she’s an elder. Foul-mouthed. Keeps food and a copy of 50 Shades of Gray in her desk. Has wild liberal opinions. Single but has a thing for the UPS delivery guy and his package. Horny. Original 40-year-old virgin. Considered a saint. Beloved by all the women. Men protect their balls around her.




THE GROUPIE. She’s the married goody-two shoes member of the congregation who has an almost teenager fascination with the preacher. She bakes him special treats. Constantly praises him. President of his fan club. More interested in the man than the message. Throws her panties upon the pulpit. Will rip your head off like a lioness if you speak just one negative word against the preacher.

[illuminator]

These are great guys!

Here's more!

THE CANDYMAN. Not that skirry movie but the old gentleman who brings a bag of Juicy Fruit chewing gum and Butterscotch Life Savers and offers them to the chillins of the congregation. Only in church would it be considered safe for your children to accept free candy from a dirty old man.

THE SYMPA-TYTHER. The Pharisee who loves for everyone to see he/she is giving their 10% while you’re still making change in the collection plate.

THE ONE-PRAYER WONDER. Whether he’s totally scared of speaking in front of the congregation, afraid to lead a prayer, or just doesn’t know what to pray for, he relies heavily on that one single prayer that everyone in congregation can recite under their breaths with him.

THE ELDER’S DAUGHTER. She’s the original GCB. She’s the prom queen and she shares a cup with her college roommate while on spring break. Voted most likely to appear in a Girls Gone Wild video.

THE PREACHER’S SON. He’s the source material for all of the preacher’s sermons on the dangers of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. He like fast cars and faster women. Lays out all of Saturday night, but does the Sunday youth devo. Almost positive he’s done it in the church building.

[illuminator]

THE BEFRIENDERS. That truly snobbish, selfish family who quickly befriends the new people, taking them to lunch after services, quickly adds them to Facebook, then, just as quickly, drops them like a hot potato once the new people see through the façade.

THE HAPPY HOOKER. Usually the sister who sits in the children’s classes week after week, month after month, year after year, long past when her own children have grown. She doesn't teach, she doesn't help; it’s all a ruse to play hooky from Sunday school class in the adult class.

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD. Those immature brothers who are 40 going on 14. Tries unsuccessfully to stifle their teenage giggles at all things inappropriate – any mentioning of the Apostle Peter, circumcision, “kick against the goads,” “pricked in their hearts.”

THE INVISIBLES. They think sitting on the back pews make them invisible, thus they brazenly play Farmville since no one can see them.

THE AUTHORITY. A minor member of the congregation. He/she proudly proclaims having read “most of the Bible” so naturally he/she is an authority on Scripture, Greek, Hebrew, culture, customs, etc.

THE COMEDIAN. He/she tells the same weak Bible jokes over and over and over, and you know you’ll tear his face off if he/she asks one more time “What kind of car did the apostles drive?” A Honda, because they were all in one accord! Shoot me.

THE ATTENDANCE TAKER. Takes roll during the sermon to see who’s at church and who isn’t. Screw the sermon, it’s more important for him/her to get home and start dialing the absentees to see why they weren’t in service.

GOTTA BEAT THE BAPTIST BUNCH. That family that races out of service exactly a quarter before the service ends to guarantee a place at the Cracker Barrel before the Baptist church dismisses.

[OneStrike_ur_out]

The WAY above and Beyond Perfect Attenders: Those who have insanely perfect attendance. They don't make 99.9% of the services. Shoot, they don't make 100% of the services. They make 1000% of the services! They won't even go out of town unless they can arrange it to where it will fall between Thursday and Saturday. Because to them, even going to another cOC out of town isn't good enough. They must be present at their home church or else it's a blemish on their attendance record. And naturally, they are propped up as examples. You just cringe when preacher man back pats them. Especially when preacher man says "heck, even I could learn a thing or two from them!" They could be in the hospital in intensive care and it wouldn't begin to stop them from their quest to have perfect attendance until the day the die. And they are probably even working on a plan to have perfect attendance even after they are dead!

The Royal Family: Related to the head elder, or like in the case of my last cOC, related to the self appointed show runner, the preacher man. The rules do not apply to them. If they are out, then they are just out. Nobody is to raise a question. And they damn sure better NEVER get a "where were you? phone call from one of the attendance police. It can get quite entertaining when one of the attendance police oversteps their bounds and actually calls a member of the royal family if they miss a service. Preacher man will come down on them like a ton of bricks and naturally, he will have NO answer to the question "Well, everybody else gets called if they aren't here, what makes your family any different?". The bottom line is, you just don't ask that question. The royal family is exempt! If one of them gets into trouble, sins publicly, aka "Bringing shame upon the church", well, you can bet anything you own that there will be no walk of shame for them. In fact, not only are they not required to do it, they are TOLD not to do it! "IT IS BEING HANDLED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!!!" But, the rest of the congregation doesn't get the" behind closed doors" option.

[Miss40+]

The Cry--Room Rooster: Gets up early in services and makes her way back to the cry room,. Walks gripping her stomach with a pained look on her face, sits in the cry room checking Facebook on her phone. As the communion plate makes its way to the back, she quickly puts phone away and resumes pained expression and grabbing of belly. During invitation song, she makes her way back to her seat, looking somber, concerned, with only one hand lightly touching her belly. As she sits down, she sighs loudly and mouths to her husband " I'm OK". Husband feigns concern.