Not good at intros

[HamBiscuit]

Hi. I just found this place. I'm not good with introductions. I'm kinda torn up, struggling, and just need to talk to people who can relate.

[Ivy]

Welcome!! I like that introduction; it's perfect.

[Cootie Brown]

Welcome. It seems like you might be another casualty of the Church of Christ. If so, you will find folks here that can relate. When you feel like it maybe you can provide us a little background, or not. That’s entirely up to you.

[HamBiscuit]

Hi guys. I appreciate the response. I've done a support group forum thing before and didn't get much response.
I guess a little background:

I was born and raised in a COC as "church royalty" or a "church celebrity" (I call it). Only person my age, so I had all the pressure put on me to be the perfect example.

I had a very rough upbringing. My parents were both born and raised, but my mom got a drug problem, committed a few felons, went to prison, got out and sober, parents get remarried, she gets strung out again. She was also incredibly abusive. Of course I had no room at all to show any sort of emotion or weakness. Even after my life was very much in danger a few times.

And then I don't need to say much about how the church messes with someone. I've got one parent taking me to church 3 times a week, a church telling me I'm going to hell no matter how perfect I try to be (and...I WAS perfect growing up, too afraid not to be), and an abusive drug addicted mother.

By the way, yes, she was kicked out. Twice. So I had all eyes on me. Heard lots of whispers.

Years later, I have PTSD. Mostly due to extreme abuse on her part, but the church certainly plays a role as well.

HERE'S WHY I'M HERE:
I got out of church about 7 years ago, went through the horrible struggle. Dad telling me "You're going to hell" and the guilt, shame, yatta yatta you know how it is. Well, time and remaining strong paid off and I started to heal. But with PTSD, things can come up out of the blue. This sort of did, I guess, but I have a cousin who messaged me one day "I need to talk to you please message me". I did, and she told me she's about to crack and has to leave the church as well. She told me she's bisexual and just sees everything that's wrong with it anyway.
That made everything come back.
I know where she is, so I have to remain strong for her. I wished I had someone, so I'd love to be there for her.
But last night, I had the first flashback I've experienced in a long, long time. There's 2 types of flashbacks: those with, and without hallucinations. Since my diagnosis almost 4 years ago, I have flashbacks without, but I've only had maybe 5 or so with hallucinations. "Back in 'nam" flashbacks. I had one last night. I saw a shade of green, and I wasn't in my house anymore. I was standing in the back of the church building. Everyone was there, they were in the middle of a song and the guilt and shame washed over me just like it used to.

Guys, I thought I was over it. I understand the nature of PTSD all too well, but I'm almost 4 years into recovery, and in treatment I've been working on one thing at a time. I thought that I was over the church bullshit. And here it is again. And I have got to be strong for my cousin. I want to help her. I left, but I'm not any sort of LGBTQ, so I know she'll get it much worse than I did if/when she decides to come out.

Anyway, if you made it through all that, I greatly appreciate it. I'm sure I'm not alone with this, but in a way I wish I was. That would just mean no one has been through this sort of ordeal. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Cootie Brown]

Boards like this are simply not equipped or qualified to offer anything in the way of advice. You are getting professional help and that’s good.

The things that happened to you are way above our pay grade. We have experienced some crazy stuff in the c of C but nothing like what you’ve experienced. Getting the help you need is the right thing to do. We can’t do much more than encourage you to continue down the path you’re on.

I am sorry for the terrible things you’ve had to experience. I’m reluctant to say anything more for fear of doing you more harm than good. I’m glad you found this site I hope it is in someway helpful.

[HamBiscuit]

Boards like this are simply not equipped or qualified to offer anything in the way of advice. You are getting professional help and that’s good.

The things that happened to you are way above our pay grade. We have experienced some crazy stuff in the c of C but nothing like what you’ve experienced. Getting the help you need is the right thing to do. We can’t do much more than encourage you to continue down the path you’re on.

I am sorry for the terrible things you’ve had to experience. I’m reluctant to say anything more for fear of doing you more harm than good. I’m glad you found this site I hope it is in someway helpful.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I just wanna throw this out there: I'm not necessarily looking for advice or anything like that. Treatment is the only "solution" to mental illness. Guess I'm just needing some people I can relate to. I used to do group DBT therapy and it was nice to have people who have been in similar situations. None of them have been in a crazy COC though

I also dont want to seem like a "boo hoo poor me" person, or like I'm 1upping anyone. Totally not trying to be. Just kinda need some people who "get it" as far as the spiritual stuff goes. Discussion and such. My boyfriend (14 years together) is an atheist and although I can confide in him, he doesn't get it at all.

Anyway, thank you so much. I'm hoping this place just kind of gives me a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I grew up thinking that the church I went to was literally the only COC.

[Tsathoggua]

Wow, that's quite a story! Thanks for sharing. Welcome aboard.

[HamBiscuit]

yeah, it's a story for sure wish it weren't true

and thank you!

[Lerk]

Hi. I just found this place. I'm not good with introductions. I'm kinda torn up, struggling, and just need to talk to people who can relate.

Glad you're here. We can relate! We're in different places (some of us atheists, others still believers but who escaped or are trying to escape the CoC), but we're a pretty nice and sympathetic bunch, and I hope you enjoy spending time here and that we can help you with your struggles.

EDIT: Just read your longer post. Wow, that's some tough shit. So, while maybe it will be hard for us to really grasp your situation, we're still glad you're here and we're glad to "listen" to what you have to say, and hopefully to offer you enough encouragement to get you through some rough days. We've all been affected by this denomination/cult in various ways, so we at least can sympathize with that. I certainly hope you stick around.

Three new members in just a few days -- that hasn't happened in awhile. I'll be sure to check in more often.

[HamBiscuit]

Hi. I just found this place. I'm not good with introductions. I'm kinda torn up, struggling, and just need to talk to people who can relate.

Glad you're here. We can relate! We're in different places (some of us atheists, others still believers but who escaped or are trying to escape the CoC), but we're a pretty nice and sympathetic bunch, and I hope you enjoy spending time here and that we can help you with your struggles.

EDIT: Just read your longer post. Wow, that's some tough shit. So, while maybe it will be hard for us to really grasp your situation, we're still glad you're here and we're glad to "listen" to what you have to say, and hopefully to offer you enough encouragement to get you through some rough days. We've all been affected by this denomination/cult in various ways, so we at least can sympathize with that. I certainly hope you stick around.

Three new members in just a few days -- that hasn't happened in awhile. I'll be sure to check in more often.

Thank you so much! I like it here so far. I'm trying not to get too heavy in posts. I honestly don't know if I've had it "worse" than most (I really don't like saying one situation is worse than the other or 1-upping), but at the same time, just a lot to deal with years later and if I get too heavy, apologies. I've certainly heard some horror stories in the past when I was coming out and on a support group years ago.