Appearances

[lrn01510]

I think that the thing that matters most to a lot of COC christians is how they appear to other people especially in the church. I have noticed how embarassed song leaders get when they mess up and how snobby people in pews laugh at them. It all seems like some spectacular performance that just so happens to be real life and a cult. But the focus on appearances is crazy. I feel like my parents care more that their friends think I'm "saved" because I sit in the pews rather than if I actually am. My parents refuse to support me if I have different religious beliefs than them at all. It just sucks that the people who are supposed to love me and support me most have such harsh conditions on their love and support. One day when I have kids, i hope they know that I will love and support them no matter what religion or sexuality they are as long as they are happy.

[faithfyl]

Yes appearances matter in the C of C, especially how people dress for church. Too much importance placed on that.

What religion do you follow now?

[Lerk]

I'm seeing less and less of the "how you dress" problem. I'm a closet atheist still attending a non-institutional CoC, and a lot of people there wear blue jeans -- both men and women. Sometimes women wear capris, which would never have flown 10-15 years ago. I haven't heard any complaints about it. (Admittedly, I'm not socially active enough to hear rumors.)

But appearances really are all that matter in some ways. I was outed a couple of years ago, and there was some real danger of an irreparably damaged relationship with one of my sons. All I had to do was "go forward" one Wednesday night and say that I no longer really believed but that I was trying, and after some initial concern and expression that people were praying for me (and a couple of apologetics books given to me), nobody ever says a thing to me! I quit leading singing, leading prayers, and waiting on the table... don't do anything buy show up (and not all of the time), but nobody seems to think about it. I expected that the elders would want to follow up at some point, but nope! As long as they see me there every couple of weeks, it's all good.

And my son just wanted me to say that I believed that Jesus was god's son, so I said it. (It was a long conversation, but that's all it took to smooth things over.) Appearances... that's it!

[gordie91]

But appearances really are all that matter in some ways. I was outed a couple of years ago, and there was some real danger of an irreparably damaged relationship with one of my sons. All I had to do was "go forward" one Wednesday night and say that I no longer really believed but that I was trying, and after some initial concern and expression that people were praying for me (and a couple of apologetics books given to me), nobody ever says a thing to me! I quit leading singing, leading prayers, and waiting on the table... don't do anything buy show up (and not all of the time), but nobody seems to think about it. I expected that the elders would want to follow up at some point, but nope! As long as they see me there every couple of weeks, it's all good.

So true. For me things were all good until finally I sent my exit email. We traveled a lot during that time because of my child's college sports career. We had actually started going to another church, the heretical and damned Orthodox Church (didn't they break from the Catholics? ). I felt like we should remove ourselves with the exit letter so that people would not talk or bug us about not being there on Sundays. I too, stopped the singing, praying and everything else. (Towards the end I felt like I was being hypocritical) So when the preacher responded to my exit email he replied with the obligatory "sorry to see you leave" and "hate to see you go" BUT, there is always a but. The but was we were not very committed and he even sent a letter to the church my parents attend using the same language. Why were we not committed? We weren't there much and didn't do all the things above plus we didn't have the kid (youngest) in bible class on Wednesday Night even though we explained that reason multiple times - behaviors, routine and medication schedule.

I said all that above because in my final response to my father-in-law I wrote, I asked him, would he rather me warm a pew and be there every time the doors are open all the while not believing or in agreement with the CoC. Would my presence save me? Yes in a sense it is all about appearances.

[Ivy]

I said all that above because in my final response to my father-in-law I wrote, I asked him, would he rather me warm a pew and be there every time the doors are open all the while not believing or in agreement with the CoC. Would my presence save me? Yes in a sense it is all about appearances.

One thing I've noticed....it makes them feel good that others see their offspring warming a pew, even if said offspring is, in their minds, a reprobate. They also seem to take that to mean that said reprobate offspring "knows the truth" and their conscience brings them back to the pew. God bless them, it's a hard life to live when you don't want your kids to be honest about who they really are. They want the facade rather than the real person. Sad and alienating for families.

[gordie91]

Ivy,

Yes it is sad. Things are way different now with the family.

Unfortunately, some do want the facade and to me that was something I couldn't do. I didn't like playing church with those folks and had to leave. For me it was a point of honesty and if I don't agree or believe like them they needed to know it otherwise it would be just some fictional story with some really weird plot lines.

Instead these folk choose to ignore and avoid reality and make things down right stupid sometimes. We are very suspicious that one family member makes excuses for not getting the kids together more than just regular family get togethers. My adult child has noticed and commented about how the youngest seems to be forgotten or left out. My daughter thinks it has something to do with our new religion and as she put it, "their kids might catch something over here". Of course, the cuz's on the other side/CoC family do all sorts of things. My daughter is just sayin.

[Ivy]

It destroys families and other relationships.

[Struggler]

It destroys families and other relationships.

Yes, it does.

[Ivy]

It destroys families and other relationships.

Yes, it does.

Unfortunately, I have seen it very close to home. It's very sad, and so unnecessary.

Struggler, it's good to see you on here.

[Struggler]

Appearances are part and parcel of the C of C doctrine. It's a gross misapplication of "avoid every appearance of evil."
As long as everything looks "right," that's what matters. I have known so many who were horrible people all week, but every time the church door was open, they were in the pew, looking righteous and holy. And I've also known those who weren't in church, but the most decent people around.
Our own family was messed up by this foolishness. We had family who joined other churches or didn't go at all, and it was always put on the front burner any time they were mentioned or came around. We had others who were rabid attendees, yet were mean and all, and they got favored status.
It was not and is not of God.