Advice for practicing CoC family members

[juliac]

Hi. I'm new to this support board! I'm only 18, however, I left the CoC mindset years ago. Over the last two years, I've had a fascination on how brain-washed I became with the CoC mindset. I grew up fearing God. I never knew the kind of love and grace that God offered. My parents became aware of the issues that of SOME CoC's. I think this was because of the new church we started attending in 2005. It's very progressive, even though many adults that attend grew up in the hardline CoC. We use instruments in worship, people are casually dressed on Sundays, and many ministers on staff are from other denominational groups. So technically, we are a non-denominational church. I went to a very hardline CoC school, however. My grandfather happens to be a "preacher" in the CoC, however him and my grandmother don't realize that our church isn't really a CoC. I've wanted to talk to them for years about my new faith. My parents have discouraged it from me only because they don't want to create a family feud. I know that they are too close-minded to accept any other denomination other than what they've done there whole lives. But, I am proud of my faith and I want to share with them how much my life has changed since my new relationship with God. I want them to see how the CoC has led many young people out of Church for good. Thankfully, God was able to use a situation in my life to reveal to me who He TRULY was. Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do regarding my grandparents?? Thanks!

[agricola]

Hi and welcome to the ex board.

First of all, consider a few points - and think hard:

Your grandparents have a certain set of beliefs, and they are convinced it is right, and they are happy.

Your parents have told you that they think sharing your beliefs with your grandparents is not a good idea - this will upset them, make them confused, possibly angry, and will likely damage or change a currently satisfactory, presumably loving relationship.

Your grandparents are not young people - they have lived a full life, and have found fulfillment in their faith.

I can understand wanting to share what makes you happy with your significant others, but consider, please, what that sharing might do to THEM. Will it make them happy (probably not)? Will it make them change (unlikely)? Will it affect others besides yourself (probably)?

In other words: who would you be doing this sharing FOR? For them? Or for yourself?

(also, how often do you see them, really? Do they live nearby? Are they in their - perhaps - sixties (and thus relatively young) or in their eighties (and thus fairly old)? Do they keep most generally to a circle of friends (and beliefs) similar to their own, or are they the kind of people who are more open to having friends who are different? All these are considerations you should be aware of before proceeding.)

Plus - I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but anyway - 18 is pretty young. People change a lot between 18 and, say, 24 or so. What you believe now, may not be there forever (I know you think it will, and maybe you are right, but there are still a lot of changes coming).

This can wait. There isn't some kind of deadline or goal line sitting in front of you, where you 'have to' make some kind of big reveal or decision immediately, is there?

[Opie]

Excellent advice Agricola. You should consider a career in counseling!

[AtPeace]

My adult children are in your situation, although they are older than you. The way they handle it keeps them close to their grandparents, and doesn't cause stress on either side. Essentially they enter religious conversations only when the specific topic is something they have in common with their grandparents. In other words, if a grandparent mentions, "I prayed about such-and-such the other day," my kids might say something like, "Yes, prayer is such an important part of my daily walk with God." And then if/when the grandparent starts to go in a direction that is not my kids' experience with God -- for example, if the grandparent says, "Well, it's too bad that those Baptists don't know the truth" -- then, my kids merely ease the conversation into something else. They don't let the grandparent force them into going down that road, but they do it in a gentle and respectful way in order to honor the closeness and love they have for them.

There is absolutely no way you're going to make your grandparents feel ok about how you view God. They just can't do that without a personal upheaval that would shake up everything they've ever believed or done. So just keep on going your own direction, and maintain a loving relationship with them by setting boundaries for yourself on what you allow yourself to reveal to them. Remember, they truly can't handle it.

[juliac]

Wow! I really appreciate the advice. It's good to hear, and good questions really make me question if it is even worth it. It may be a surprise, but, I've actually had many adults including my youth minister encourage me to talk to them. I've had suggestions like gradually dropping hints of the person I've grown to be now. That way, they will be forced to ask me those big faith questions. This advice is something to consider, and I appreciate the thoughts said.

[IntrepidOne]

None of my immediate family members are still attending the CoC. I do have an uncle and a couple of cousins over in Alabama that do, but we never see each other so it doesn't come up. Occasionally one of them will post something on Facebook letting other christians know that they don't belong to the correct church, but I just keep on scrolling.

[agricola]

Wow! I really appreciate the advice. It's good to hear, and good questions really make me question if it is even worth it. It may be a surprise, but, I've actually had many adults including my youth minister encourage me to talk to them. I've had suggestions like gradually dropping hints of the person I've grown to be now. That way, they will be forced to ask me those big faith questions. This advice is something to consider, and I appreciate the thoughts said.

Forgive me - but really - I feel the urge to release a small rant at this point:

I hope I would be asking - if I were you - why it is up to me to be FORCING my elderly grandparents to do anything at all?

Haven't those people suggesting this course of action to you ever heard of appropriate boundaries? How is it THEIR business in the first place? It's not like your grandparents are actively doing something physically harmful or dangerous! They are only attending a different sort of church.

[AtPeace]

Agricola's got an excellent point.

It's the worst of the old CoC indoctrination in us that wants to convince others we have found a better way than they.

[margin overa]

FWIW, I agree that there's not much to be gained by being "honest" with your family, and particularly a lot to be lost in a potential feud over religious matters.

[berrybug]

Agricola's got an excellent point.

It's the worst of the old CoC indoctrination in us that wants to convince others we have found a better way than they.

I hadn't thought of this before, but you're absolutely right. Food for thought!