Testing the waters

[Struggles101]

Hello Everyone

I just discovered this board yesterday and boy am I glad y'all are here. I've been reading non stop. It's comforting to know so many others have had the same experiences and struggles.

I'm a 30ish fella who grew up in the ultra conservative coCs in Alabama. As I read in another post, I was coC 9 months before I was born.

I've lived all over the country in recent years and that in part has been a root cause reason for my distancing from "the church". For far longer I've taken issue with the "traditions" in the church that seem to have no biblical backing yet, as so many here, I've sat through so very many sermons teaching the bible is the only way.

One of my biggest frustrations has come from the always looming implication that I must marry another member of the church. I've dated some wonderful ladies all over the country (which in my mind was made acceptable because I knew I would move to another state and never be taking these fine ladies home to my church family, who would not approve). So many missed opportunities with such fine young ladies because I was struggling with the vague notion *your perfect, but ultimately you would never become a member of the church, therefore I can't marry you*. Unfair to me and VERY unfair to them. So here I sit, 30ish, single and very frustrated by those notions and missed chances.

*edit (the emotions keep flooding more memories in) Another big frustration was "placing membership". What biblical authority do they have to place my name on a list?! The last church I attended regurarly last year insisted I wouldn't be leading any service activities until I placed membership. I've never been much of a prayer leader, but I do love leading singing. So that was a frustrating blow. "Placing Membership" - coC code for "let's do a background check on your church life". Even more frustrating is I had known many of these members for most of my life. But NOPE - you won't participate here until you put your name on THE LIST.

I'm not sure what the future holds. But I do know I'm already very thankful for this group. I see many questions and thoughts here that hit home: "where do I go now?!", "what if THEY are right?!"

I know the family suspects I'm not attending "faithfully". So at some point in the next couple of years I know I'll be fighting that struggle.

I already appreciate so many of the posters I've read here for sharing your struggles. My brief tour here has already inspired me to grab my bible and sparked an interest to REALLY READ and understand trying to put aside the brain washing so many of us have experienced.

Possibly for the first time in my life I feel a HUGE sense of relief in beginning to understand that just because I'm not at "the church" three times per week, maybe I'm not damned to hell. I can't describe that relief.

I look forward to spending time here and appreciate this place of discussion.

Thank you.

[gordie91]

Welcome to the board!

I too am new here and it really is nice reading all the similar stories. So far my transition has gone fairly well, I suppose all my previous tendencies to remove contradictions by engaging in sometime heated arguments already had me branded, so when I quit going it had a blunting effect. Plus telling people you are trying things out seem to keep the questions at bay. Still waiting for the hardcore people to show up, but my family is pretty closed lip about family matters so it might be awhile or me posting something in the public domain. Anyways good luck on your journey hope all goes well.

[KLP]

Welcome. I too decided and intend to never "place membership", particularly anyplace with weak/unqualified elders or a charismatic preach or a congregation with some powerful members...this pretty much rules out every congregation of any stripe. I am just not going through that whole membership thing again. But I understand from the local congregation power structure why they insist on that...that is fine, that is their choice, as is mine to not "place membership". I learned long ago that a person can serve others without having a title of Deacon/Deaconess. The Deacon is the one who actually does the service for/to others, not the one with the official title. Cutting grass, cleaning the building, passing around plates, leading singing...is not the service to others that was in mind IMO.

So do good works, be fair, be even with others so that others will be ashamed when they speak evil of you. They cetainly may not like your POV but give them no basis to fault you on your actual actions.

Were you Institutional, Non-Institutional, One Cup, Non-Sunday school, etc...what branch of CofC were you from. Maybe you can move a bit on the CofC scale to make it easier...but being a single male is hard to do in many CofCs. I have a family with me when we drop in to places and it makes it easier.

Good luck.

[Struggles101]

Were you Institutional, Non-Institutional, One Cup, Non-Sunday school, etc...what branch of CofC were you from. Maybe you can move a bit on the CofC scale to make it easier...but being a single male is hard to do in many CofCs. I have a family with me when we drop in to places and it makes it easier.

Non-institutional. The Florida College group

I appreciate the responses and kind words. I'll certainly be checking out some other branches of "the church"

[agricola]

Welcome to the ex-board! Browse anywhere you like.

[KLP]

Were you Institutional, Non-Institutional, One Cup, Non-Sunday school, etc...what branch of CofC were you from. Maybe you can move a bit on the CofC scale to make it easier...but being a single male is hard to do in many CofCs. I have a family with me when we drop in to places and it makes it easier.

Non-institutional. The Florida College group

I appreciate the responses and kind words. I'll certainly be checking out some other branches of "the church"

FC??? you lovey-dovey liberal, Truth Magazine is the whole counsel of God

[Moogy]

Were you Institutional, Non-Institutional, One Cup, Non-Sunday school, etc...what branch of CofC were you from. Maybe you can move a bit on the CofC scale to make it easier...but being a single male is hard to do in many CofCs. I have a family with me when we drop in to places and it makes it easier.

Non-institutional. The Florida College group

I appreciate the responses and kind words. I'll certainly be checking out some other branches of "the church"

Florida College...I feel sorry for you! I was also non-institutional, but at least I managed to go to the big state university where I could get an education that was not polluted by COC doctrine.

I visited a mainline church, but it had almost all the same problems that my little NICOC had. I also visited some denominations that were not right for me. Don't get in too big of a hurry, and that will give you time to decide what you want. Date some more nice non-COC girls and visit their churches with them, if they have a church.at least you won't be sitting there alone, which I know is awkward.

Meanwhile, welcome to our board!

[Transformed]

Thank you for your heart-felt post. What you write mirrors so much of my own experience (as I know it does others here as well). I read this board for a while before posting and also found it comforting that I'm not alone.

I started visiting other churches a month or so before leaving the CoC. The first time I went to a non-CoC church I found myself thinking “I can’t believe I’ve missed out on this my whole life!” This may not be a common experience; I admit that by the time I started going to other churches I was looking forward to something new and ready to meet new people. Although visiting other churches was good, actually leaving the CoC was not as pleasant of a process -but definitely worth it. We all seem to have different experiences in what it takes to break free from the chains and find that place where we belong. Honor your own journey and give yourself plenty of time and grace.

On a side note, I’ve had some great worship and fellowship encounters just reading the Bible at a cafe or coffee shop. I would often end up in conversations with other people about faith. Some would be unproductive, but others would absolutely make my day. Nonetheless, I loved feeling like I could fellowship with others outside the walls of a church building.

Glad you're here, sending hope and encouragement your way!

[Struggles101]

Thanks for all the kind words