Born and raised CoC, now an atheist studying religion and benefiting from counseling

[Tim N]

<I’m editing this post to add this: I consider part II below the more important part. Sorry about the length but it’s the only way I know to tell my story. I edited the subject line, too. End edit>

I. I’m going to recycle a couple of things I previously wrote, as an introduction. First is a philosophy statement I had to provide a couple of years ago in order to gain entrance to a graduate program in religious studies. The church referred to, in which I was raised, was the Church of Christ, the moderate line that doesn’t tell others they are going to hell, unless they ask, haha. Here it is:

I’m an unbeliever living in one of the most religiously fervent areas of the world, the
American South. Although I grew up devout and studious, over the course of a year,
starting around age 17, I spurned the Christian faith in which I was raised, and for the
next 40 years never reconsidered.

In the past year, however, I’ve come to realize that because I left religion before
adulthood, I never came to a mature understanding of what it was I had rejected. I have
therefore found a personal need to reexamine the Judeo-Christian story. This has
resulted in a self-directed study of religion and biblical history.

Although I am far from reaching significant conclusions, I am forming new ways to
appreciate religion. For example, I better understand the value of myth, the distinction
between religious truth and historical fact, and how faith allows societies to commune with
each other across centuries. I am realizing that god doesn’t have to be categorized neatly
and discreetly as either a literal ‘guy in the sky’ or, at the other extreme, a fanciful
construct used to assuage the masses.

I’m coming to recognize that the wish for redemption or salvation doesn’t mean one’s soul
first had to be lost, and that the ideas of heaven and hell were never intended to serve
the search for truth and meaning. I appreciate more that what used to appear to me to be
the tale of a Jewish itinerate preacher who was executed for crimes against the state, but
whose life was then embellished and interpreted in a way to support a zealous cult based
on his mythical resurrection, is actually a complex story filled with much of the angst and
hope of humankind.

The academic world is replete with those who study religion from a historical and
scientific view. The world in which I live is not. My perception is that most religious people
never engage in serious historical studies about the faith to which they claim devotion.
The church in which I was raised, for example, starts with the New Testament as filled
with facts and the literal word of God, from which black letter rules for receiving salvation
are derived. Logically, the history and transmission of texts with such serious
consequences would be deeply studied before undergoing interpretation for doctrinal
purposes, and the history of the people written about would be established before ever
talking about eternal revealed truths.

But that was rarely the case in my world growing up,
and toward a goal of understanding why, I need to know the subject matter.
When I was a young, I believed the Bible to be the inspired word of God. That’s a claim
that I now know can’t be proven historically or scientifically. But still it is an important claim
that I want to study from every angle and thereby develop a fuller understanding of a
major component of the culture in which I live.

II. Next is a post of mine on this very site in a different thread, one about a recent study about the effects of parenting.Please note that until a couple of weeks ago, I never would have connected what I wrote above with what appears below. Here’s the rest of my story:

What also needs to be said is that church fills a parental role that can mess people up. Here’s my story. Recently I saw a counselor for help with a few personality issues that caused me grief and that I wanted to change. After conversations about my life history and issues, he told me he thought I was the victim of a particular parenting style. Oh boy, I thought, how in the world was my wonderful, loving mother responsible for all this? My father died when i as three, but he too had been a stellar individual.

First he led me through the three major parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian. (There are other styles, like neglectful, but three main ones). Authoritative is the best kind, generally turning out well adjusted, happy adults.

Permissive parents set few rules and enforce the ones they have poorly, letting the child make most of the decisions. Except for some highly creative individuals who can actually thrive in a permissive environment, the kids turn out with problems. Authoritarian parents are probably the worst, believing that their job is to enforce obedience to rules as opposed to raising children into being good adults. It’s their way, no questions asked. They administer punishment, not discipline. Rules! Strict enforcement! Authoritarian parents are always right and the child’s job is to keep quiet and obey. Their kids turn out messed up.

My counselor then shocked me by saying he thought i was the victim of an authoritarian parenting style. Whoa, i said, if anything my mother tilted permissive but mostly was authoritative, and never authoritarian. Then what he said next changed my life. “It’s not just our parents who raise us…” and then after leading me down a path I finally realized he meant the Church of Christ.

I was still in disbelief, because I had been very happy in the church, right up until i was 17, spent a year in miserable questioning, and then turned my back on it with never a doubt or regret. It no longer had anything for me. I never felt pain or regret over being in the church or leaving it. My family is of the more liberal CoC and so I was still very loved and welcomed, simply encouraged to read the Bible and not harden my heart.

My counselor said “Of course you were happy. You were in a close knit community that loved you so much that they gave you a set of rigid, unbending rules so you could go to heaven.” Well, I still had to digest this, but upon researching parenting styles I discovered that one could take a description of the authoritarian parenting style, do a mental search and replace of church in place of parent and member in place of child, and what I was reading was a description of the Church of Christ. As for how the children of authoritarian parents turn out, certain key characteristics of these people was a description of the list of issues that first made me seek counseling.

Eureka! I’m certainly not “cured” but this realization plus practicing certain skills to recognize and navigate the problems i had been having, have all been like I’ve been born again and had a demon cast out by Jesus himself. There’s your ironic point for today: I was metaphorically possessed by a demon that was implanted by the Church of Christ!

Finally, to be clear, I do not have lingering feelings about the CoC that I carry with me and are the source of my problems. Rather, as the counselor pointed out, when the brain is developing in children, continual exposure to authoritarianism affects how the limbic system develops, leading to anxiety, depression, and personality issues. Check, check, and check. Thanks to a great counselor, the world is looking brighter now than ever.

[SolaDude]

So great that your world is brighter than ever, thank you for sharing your life experience with us. Very insightful counselor, too....

[agricola]

I think I ought to save what you wrote and read it over more than once, because oh boy does that resonate! OTOH, my own mother definitely WAS authoritarian, and narcissistic besides.

Very useful and helpful post. thank you.